There are things you can do, to make your life better, and to live as a better person, adding to your own stature as a human being and other people's lives, especially in your most intimate relationships.
Remember: When two people live consciously in this way, it is most powerful!
1. Start the day consciously and positively: When you wake up, make sure you greet your partner in a positive tone of voice - and start the day by saying at least 3 positive things - and always be grateful for whatever positive things they do. If you ignore your partner when you wake up, and the first things out of your mouth are complaints or negatives - perhaps a string of negative statements, this isn't the best way to consciously begin your day. Start by creating positives! And two people creating positives - create a positive Circle!
2. Have a positive outcome for the day, which brings you closer to your big dreams, and several smaller steps which make the day more positive: Your big dreams are obviously you bigger goals, which may not be doable immediately, so do something today which moves you towards those dreams practically. Smaller things you can do, should include getting in touch with your body at the beginning of the day - have a shower, go for a walk somewhere you love, make love, have a bath, a nice meal, dance.
3. Use the power of perspective: The power of perspective can change the whole meaning of a situation. One of the things we do at the Heart of Relationships is reframe problems as opportunities for growth. If you have a problem and feel it's a roadblock, then you may feel you have no future. Being able to use a problem or an issue to actually increase your resources, skills and talents, and enjoy the process of overcoming it brings with it not only tremendous confidence, but inspiration, love, and wisdom. When someone was unfair and negative towards me I viewed it as an opportunity to stand up and show who I am in what I said and did and didn't buy into their negative reality - which in turn changed the situation and the whole relationship. You too can use the power of perspective to reframe things in the kindest, wisest, most compassionate - and also honest and real light, in your relationship. And the more you do it, the more it creates a positive pattern, as a way of being, in yourself and in your relationship.
4. Consciously sort for positive instead of negative: NLP discovered that people "sort" for things, on either side of a spectrum. If you take a person's sentence, you can generally understand how they are sorting for things, which can be a help if you want to get into their world and communicate better. It can also help you have more control and understanding of the way you sort for things, and this kind of understanding can help you change the way you think and have far more awareness and conscious choice of the way you are in relationships.
Examples of the way people sort for things on either side of a spectrum as defined by NLP are listed below.
In time (present focused) Through time (future focused)
Towards Away from
Internal validation External validation
Improving situations depends upon how you sort for things, and responding appropriately. There are many other factors involved, such as empathy, mutuality, honesty, ect. But understanding how people sort, and how you sort for things, can be very useful.
Seeing the table just above may give you more awareness and inspire you to sort for things in the most constructive and generous way for your life!
Some obvious suggestions are: Consciously sort for positive instead of negative. Consciously sort for gratitude instead of blame.
If you want to improve you life, sorting for positive and gratitude, can begin to implement a positive circle - which works like a blessing to generate amazing things, if both people are doing it honestly and generously!
5. Always state things in terms of a positive solution rather than a problem: The following statements are ways of taking the exact same situation in different ways. They are also deliberately using negative individual vs positive team building statements.
Problem focused thinking: Solution focused thinking:
I don't know if I'm attracted to my partner any more. How do I create an amazing sex life with my
partner and for myself?
He never does anything for me anymore. How can we do more for each other, to make
our relationship better?
We haven't enough money. How can we work together to create what
we want and need?
6. Go first: Living with unconditional love is a basis for change - change is not a basis for unconditional love!
This simple statement is so important, that understanding and implementing it in the way you live your life with your partner, is literally the difference between creating and building your relationship - or destroying it.
If you want love - appreciation - an amazing sex life or whatever - and you are waiting for your partner to change - Don't wait for your partner to go first - or you might be waiting a long time to create what you want - make sure you begin with you! Make sure you go first!
Change the game - change the dynamic - instead of having two people with their arms folded waiting for the other person to change - extend the invitation with love for your partner to meet you in what you are offering to create!
When you begin with unconditional love for yourself, what you say to yourself, and the way you think, your statements will begin to change too! You can move from conditional self-limiting demanding to unconditional self-love and relationship building statements!
Below are just a few examples of conditional self-limiting statements vs relationship building statements
I am not going to have sex until things change. I am going to change first and make the effort with goodwill, knowing that generosity and
love is a basis which creates a State where
things are already changing for the better.
So I am going to initiate the change to create
a better sex-life!
(Notice in this statement the person puts
State as a basis for Action to
produce Results! Being aligned like
this as a person produces statements and
actions which are effective, genuine,
creative and giving. When someone is
aligned spiritually with their values, beliefs
and actions you know you're talking to
someone with understanding, love, and
generosity who is already being the change
they want in this world)
I am waiting for my partner to appreciate me, before Appreciating myself means I can act out of
I show them love or give anything. a place of strength rather than need - so I
meet my own needs and I'm not waiting for
love - I already have it in myself! And that's a
great place to build a loving relationship with
So I'm going to show my partner I love them
and welcome everything they give. I action
and offer the opportunity to grow together!
Quite simply, two people are stronger working together, and have something to build on - when they start with love.
If one or both partners starts tearing down the relationship, fixated on what they want instead of appreciating and using what they have, then they create a ruin - and ruins are not very good foundations to build upon.
Which is why at the Heart of Relationships we nurture the best positive perspectives, and values for relationship building and encourage both people to adopt and implement them - and then upon this basis implement the skills techniques and interpersonal-processes we teach and experience the results!
7. Live making an effort for your relationship today: Do something special or new or outside of your comfort zone to make your relationship a little more special today.
8. Look at things in terms of universal goodness - that is - what is good for both of you instead of just from your own side. People who focus on what they can give in a universal sense give spontaneously and originally. Adding to the relationship in this way means also giving things alot of people who have the same universal sensibilities and values would appreciate and enjoy in the world if they saw you. This is living out of your skills talents and gifts - so that you are shining. And two people giving and receiving are shining.
Universality means similar patterns and processes which cross language, culture, religion and which people share as part of the love of Good.
I have a friend Lucy; when we talk speak about things we talk in a way which has a strong personal meaning which unites the heart - no matter what culture, language, religion or philosophy you hear it from.
9. Live generously and appreciatively being thankful for and using what you have rather than fixating on what you want with blame
10. Notice how your thoughts begin, and live with the love of good: Every thought has a beginning. If the thought we begin with isn't true in the sense of loving goodness is true - as one thought lead to another - and this is how we construct our stories and personal realities - it's essential to notice how thoughts begin, and begin deconstructing and constructing the way we think with the love of goodness.
Byron Katie suggest four questions to apply to our thinking which helps us to do this. The questions are, simply: 1) Is it true? 2) Can you absolutely know that it is true? 3) How do you respond - live your life - when you attach to that thought? 4) Who would you be...without that thought?
Using this process people can deconstruct thoughts which aren't true and find better paths and ways of living. This is also part of mindfulness and enlightenment.
Applying this process to explore your thoughts, your life, your self, and your relationships, can help you become lighter, clearer and wiser.
Added to this, the love of good is very constructive - this can all help you build a wonderful life and partnership!
If you chose by understanding, implementing and actioning that what is existentially true is actually the love of goodness, which builds up relationships, and is creative, you can enter upon a path of personal enlightenment which can change your life for the better.
11. Live with goodwill: Will is a powerful word, and good will gives force and power to generosity - use it! In other words, Action the good that you see to do!
12. Act with commitment and don't stop "until" you see the positive results you want to see: many people have all the ingredients of success, all the strategies, the values and beliefs to get what they really want in life but don't succeed - because they don't practice these things until they succeed - Keep going until you succeed - realise that success ultimately is a life-long process - and don't exit beforehand!
John Donlon and Linda Connors work at the Heart of Relationships, helping people transform their lives and relationships.
THE RELATIONSHIP EXPERTS International Relationship Experts John Donlon and Linda Connors have over 30 experience between them. They offer powerful and life changing relationship couple counselling and personal development programmes. They work with individuals and couples in the UK, America, Europe and Australia. If you are in relationship crisis are ready to take the first step into saving your relationship you can contact us on 0800 024 86 47.
Linda and John offer relationship advice, solutions and share their thoughts on love, relationships, marriage and intimacy.
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