I have created an amazing process called The Success Process. Sometimes I use this with couples.
The Success Process works on hierarchy of criteria. For example, if you are part of a couple, which is more important to you – 1) Working Together, OR 2) Getting what you want?
The two things might seem like the same thing, but in reality they are very different indeed.
A person who puts "Getting what I want", as their number 1 criteria in a relationship - will usually do so by demand, bullying, harsh language, condescension, disgust, isolating techniques, cold shouldering, shouting, impatience - and this is war, not peace.
In a relationship, this simply runs the other person down, destroys empathy, and creates distance between couples.
Even if they achieve things in this way, it is not by definition a loving relationship; and if they attribute success to violence - they believe violence works and will continue presumably in the same way, making the other person's life miserable. So they believe, "Violence works." But it is not love.
Truly "Working Together" is very different indeed. It means the person puts "Working Together" as their number 1 criteria over and above "Getting what they want."
This does not do away with "Getting what they want" as their number 2 criteria, but it creates a very healthy, mutual and loving relationship dynamic indeed.
The structure is really simple:
1. Working together.
2. Getting what I want.
This order of criteria is a very different way of relating to another person.
If a person puts “Working Together,” as their number 1 criteria, as most important to me - and "Getting what I want," as their number 2 criteria - subjective to working together, that creates a law of mutuality, of real connection, and of relationship and life building.
It creates respect, awareness, sensitivity, kindness, co-operation.
It also asks the questions - Does the other person want to work with me? Have we - or can we create a mutual outcome? Am I accepting and supportive of their vulnerabilities and potential as the human being they are?
And are they ready and in a space to do so now?
This creates a state of playfulness, serious intent, and creativity.
Working together and Getting what you want are not mutually exclusive, but if they are in the wrong order, if you or anyone else puts Getting What I Want above Working Together - that is poisonous and can destroy even the most potentially loving relationship in an instant.
1. Getting what I want.
2. Working together.
Results in an attitude which can be expressed, "God damn you do my bidding!" type of approach.
Putting Working Together really on top
1. Working Together
2. Getting what I want
Results in kindness, respect, a willingness to seek agreement, and to focus on the same goal in a way which co-operates and works with each other as different people, and is a firm way of creating friendship and collaboration.
If you want a good relationship with your partner, to build them up, to build up your relationship, and to build up and create your life together, you may want to ask yourself this question - "Which order do I place these two criteria in - which order is more important to me - Working Together - or Getting What I Want?"
If you have read this article, with possibly new awareness, you may know that asking this question is like asking, "Do I want to really work with my partner, or bully them?"
So you may decide to put these two definite criteria in the right order
1. Working Together
2. Getting What I want
As you have now discovered one of the secrets to a really long-lasting, present, loving relationship together.
THE RELATIONSHIP EXPERTS International Relationship Experts John Donlon and Linda Connors have over 30 experience between them. They offer powerful and life changing relationship couple counselling and personal development programmes. They work with individuals and couples in the UK, America, Europe and Australia. If you are in relationship crisis are ready to take the first step into saving your relationship you can contact us on 0800 024 86 47.
Linda and John offer relationship advice, solutions and share their thoughts on love, relationships, marriage and intimacy.
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