Many couples we see have little or no sex life.
Sometimes, unmet needs are used as a reason - it is as if one partner is saying, "If you do this, if you give me this, my needs will be fulfilled, and I will want sex with you."
Then sex becomes a weapon, or a battering chip, instead of a joy and connection in its own right. When one partner begins in this way, then the couple can enter a negative cycle.
When couples enter this negative cycle, we often hear one partner saying, "I don't know if I'm attracted to my partner anymore?"
When I ask what would make their partner more attractive? I often hear as an answer - money, security, acting like a man, acting more sensitively, ect., which presumably, would magically lead to sex.
But when I hear one partner ask, "Am I attracted to my partner?" my alarm bells go, and I think, "Boy, are you asking the wrong question!"
I think this, because there are two types of questions. High grade questions and low grade questions. A high grade question will lead you to a more resourceful state. A low grade question will lead you down.
So when one person asks the question, "Am I attracted to my partner?" There is only yes or no. And if the answer is no - "Am I attracted to my partner?" is a very low grade question, which will lead to a low grade state, which in turn may well lead to demands - some of which may not be even possible nor reasonable - to solve the situation.
When one partner beginning with demands and reduces sex to a battering chip - instead of a joy in its own right - it is a very short walk for them to begin deciding not have sex as they are already in a demanding mindset, which then cuts off possibilities in the relationship, from their emotions, their happiness, from working together as a team with their partner - and in many other ways.
If one person is sabotaging sexual intimacy, they are also sabotaging themselves. As really loving yourself and loving your partner - and relationship building - the two are really the same thing.
People may do this, because they either really don't know how to create a successful loving relationship, or they don't want to.
How to change things!
If you want to change things, I suggest you begin with a high grade question instead of a low grade question! A high grade question someone with awareness and the love of good might ask instead, would be, "How can I create a fantastic sex and intimacy life for myself and my partner?"
Just asking the question leads to a more resourceful solution-focused generous and self-fulfilling state.
As the mind is a seeker, in this short blog, I just invite you to notice the questions you ask yourself, and where they lead?
And is that is really where you want to be? Start taking responsibility for yourself to create an amazing sex life and intimacy relationship by beginning with giving.
Remember, it's up to you to take responsibility for yourself to create an amazing relationship. Its up to you to begin to give, to love, to trust, to build.
If I want love, I start with me, as love is self-generating in giving.
That means making the first move to make things better. As if you want a fantastic sexual and intimate relationship it is wise and self-generating to start with giving, in ever increasing circles, if that is really what you want, and the kind of life and relationship you want for yourself?
Anything else is really blindness - and in the same sense accepting some simple truths and putting them into practice is life changing and is also enlightenment.
If you want, you can really be a part of changing negative cycles - without making any demands on your partner whatsoever for things in your self and in the universe which are a joy in themselves.
This is also purity of heart and enlightenment. And you may well find that generosity in one sphere totally inspires generosity and fun and relationship building in others. This creates positive cycles - and that is the secret to really successful and happy relationships.
And having the awareness and goodwill, insight and generosity to transition from one cycle to another can serve you for the rest of you and your partner's life.
John Donlon and Linda Connors, at The Heart of Relationships.
THE RELATIONSHIP EXPERTS International Relationship Experts John Donlon and Linda Connors have over 30 experience between them. They offer powerful and life changing relationship couple counselling and personal development programmes. They work with individuals and couples in the UK, America, Europe and Australia. If you are in relationship crisis are ready to take the first step into saving your relationship you can contact us on 0800 024 86 47.
Linda and John offer relationship advice, solutions and share their thoughts on love, relationships, marriage and intimacy.
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