I always found it interesting that in my counselling and psychotherapy training we never covered love. We talked about Freud, Klein, Jung, Rogers and so on - but the closest any of these got to love was Carl Rogers on unconditional positive regard.

Couple Counselling is also very similar. Not many couple counsellors know how to teach the men, women and couples they work with the path to love. They work with superficial layer - the arguments, affairs, and other relationship issues. Underneath all of this is a layer of relationship patterns, emotions, thoughts, actions and lack or love (or not knowing how to love).

The issues couples face - from arguments, affairs, detachment, hurt and pain are often caused on a deep level by a lack of love. For themselves and each other.

The relationship patterns become embedded and a natural part of the relationships. They only know how to respond with anger and pain. Rather than address the issues, some go and have affairs, others become detached or turn to drink or working long hours. This becomes the norm because they don't know how else they can respond.

I remember in school the nuns always talked about giving love. Doing things for others. Give. Give and Give. To put others first always. This may appear a great way to live, however it isn't balanced. For to really give, we most know how to received.

It took me a while to truly understand this as giving and receiving are both equal. John O'Donohue (the great Irish poet and philosopher) said there is certain meanness of spirit if you don't have how to received.

To reject someone's kindness and love towards you is in a way a slap on the face of the other person. How often do you brush aside a compliment from someone else? How often do you reject someone's support (even thought you need it)? How often do you choose independence over resting your head on someone's shoulders?

This is the same for love. To really love, we most also know how to be loved.

To really love and to be loved, we must also know how to love ourselves. This is the natural cycle of love.

It once again took me a while to really understand this!

A few years ago I was introduced to the concept of loving-kindness which is from the Buddhist tradition. It creates a pathway to offer ourselves love, kindness and care. This is extended to an friend, a loved one and someone we have a difficult relationship with.

That is unconditional love. To love others in the face of hardship and difficulty. To love others and not placed conditions upon that love. Such as if you have this job, this goal, this purpose only then I will love you. If you do as I say I will love you. If you meet my needs I will love you.

To love yourself and each other unconditionally gives your relationship space to grow deeper. You may still have disagreements of course or differences of opinions however that's all they are. They don't go further. You both move on and live with a love in your hearts and with each other - recognising that you and your partner are unique individuals with your own strengths and weaknesses and your own courage and challenges.

Here is a beautiful quote on love by Ann Landers:

Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.

If you wish to find out more about couple counselling in London and Bath please call us on +44 (0) 753 421 3557. We look forward to hearing from you and wish you a warm and loving day!

Linda Connors
Sex Therapist and Relationship Coach

One of the differences between traditional couple counselling and the Heart of Relationships Couple Relationship Coaching Programme, is that traditional couple counselling will take you through a process to solve the issues and difficulties you are facing with your partner.

What we offer, is to take you through a process to solve issues and difficulties and at the same time to become conscious and learn the skills you are experiencing as you move forwards in your lives, become more authentic, speak your truth, and have your voice heard, so that you learn state of the art communication, listening and relationship building tools, which become a part of your natural way of being in the world, and work towards making your relationship flourish for many years to come.

This is relationship coaching and counselling on another level.

One person remarked counselling can be like giving a person a fish to feed their immediate hunger, but couple relationship coaching is like teaching a person to fish - so they are self-sustaining and have abundance which grows and grows with their skills for the rest of their life.

Each issue you bring has the seeds of great potential. Potential to learn, to tap into your inner wisdom and resources, to live out your self-fulfillment, and build and co-create extraordinary relationships.

So when couples come in crisis, or seeking the spark that they once had, we are not dismayed, but pleased, because we can help you to see the opportunities in the issues you are facing to make your own life and your relationship that much richer, as you develop a strong partnership together, using and tapping into your amazing talents and gifts for life - some of which you may not yet appreciate - and some of which you may sense very keenly and want to use and live more of.

In this sense, a problem in communication, means giving you the tools so you have the experience of communicating exactly what you want to, and the opportunity to learn high level communication skills, which tap into your awareness and dramatically increase your understanding of the way people work, and help your confidence grow as you connect to yourself and to other people using your new and developing skills.

A sexual issue becomes the opportunity to explore all the issues there and become more sexual and whole in your identity as well as in your relationship with your partner, in work which complements where you are at and where you would both very much like to be.

In fact, when people are stuck, sometimes they don't know how to move forwards, and when given the tools they need couples find out very quickly that their love for themselves, their partner, and their relationship is very achievable indeed.

And in my experience all the couples who come to the Heart of Relationships couple counselling and coaching begin with that love, and when they begin there, and are willing to do whatever it takes, I very often get the feeling they will succeed. And they do.

If this is where you are at now with your partner, and you are curious to find out how your relationship can be stronger, more fulfilling, sexually connected, and you can really work as a team together, please call 0800 024 8647 or 075 3421 7553 to talk with John.

How one woman changed her exit point with her son
I once worked with a lady, whose problem was that her 10 year old son was ruling the roost. Tragically, he had lost his father some months beforehand, and she was struggling to find a way to deal with her son. When I asked her what was happening, she said, "Every time he gets angry, I just can't stand it!" I asked, "What happens next?" "Well, then, he just get's his way!"

This was not the story of a problem child, but a parent who just needed a little understanding to hold the family dynamic together.

If every time her son got angry, she "exited" from the situation and collapsed, well obviously then she was giving up her power. No wonder her son ruled the roost.

It was time for her to make the decision to be present, whatever her son did. To make the decision, not to collapse.

And when she did this, things radically changed.

Exit points in relationships
Relationships can have a similar pattern. Have you ever simply left the room at the very start of a disagreement? Has this happened so many times that it has started to become a pattern? Has the pattern then become one of frustration, feeling unheard and more distant?

If one or both partners "exits" at the merest hint of disagreement or argument, then nothing is going to get deeply resolved.

Both people need to commit to "being there," to be really present, to work things through, if a relationship is going to work on a deeper level.

That means as arguments come up, making a conscious decision to argue positively and seeing them through to a resolution which brings you closer together - and not completely exit too early - which means you are gone! and you will never have the experience of changing behavior and gaining new experiences beyond that exit point.

So one of the problems I sometimes find I need to address, is one or both of the couple's "exit" points.

And like I say, if one or both partners exit too early in an argument, then the process is aborted and nothing gets resolved. This tends to keep the cycle of non-communication, frustration, distance, despair and hopeless going, incidentally, and resolves nothing.

Especially in relation to anger, if one or both partners keeps walking away every time they or their partner get angry, there are an awful lot of problems that are not going to be solved, and an awful lot of possibilities for good experiences in life they are going to short-circuit and miss out on.

Or sometimes we see couples where one person has a pattern of leaving an argument - or threatening to leave the relationship - when they don't get their way, this is a very controlling thing to do. And that blocks the ability of learning to compromise and have a real, mutual, healthy relationship too!

This is kind to no-one, lease of all themselves.

But, bit by bit, as we learn with couples their issues and we guide them as to identify these issues, dismantle these problems, and behave in different ways, more wonderful things can happen.

How you can change the way you argue -Teaching at the Heart of Relationships
We teach you how:

• To see success as a life long process
• To establish your ultimate vision of success for your relationship
• We teach a process which will help you to change potentially damaging situations fast
• Not to collapse and give away your power by instead adopting healthy commitment to the relationship you really want
• Not to have an exit point with your back to your partner, which perpetuates arguments which never get resolved
• To admit when you are wrong in a way which lights the way forwards
• To remain present when there are differences in a way which is affirming and brings you closer together
• To adopt practical behaviors based on insight
• To create an amazing life and future by actioning what brings you closer to your dreams now

In our experience, changing a part of the problem - such as changing your exit points, perspectives, and clarifying positive outcomes - allows in the possibility for every single one of the teachings above to become practical heartfelt realities in your life and relationships.

Call 0800 024 8647 or 07960 214 336 to book your session with John.

Falling in love with someone is one of the most wonderful and joyful experiences in life. You were meant to be together, work so well as a couple and what you have is unique and so very special. 

But then it happens. Fear and doubt begins to creep into you or your partners mind asking "Am I in love?" Many couples feel disheartened when one partner says "I love you but I am not in love with you anymore"

They feel their relationship is over, feel lost and wonder what the next step is.

At the heart of relationships for couple counselling we believe in people and relationships. 

Falling out of love is not just as simple as that, it's not so clear cut. There are many underlying currents which impact your sense of love, self-worth and ability to give and receive love. 

Some couples meet and fall in love, their lives change. They invest in their family, work, social life but rarely invest emotionally or physically into their relationship, partner and love life.

For some it feels like they have gone their separate ways, the passion has gone, their emotional and sexual needs are not being met, lack of intimacy, anxiety about intimacy, fear of rejection or abandonment, one partner works too much, they no longer work together and communicate as a couple or the relationship has fell into a rut.

I wanted to offer a few orienting tips which may be helpful to you and your partner working as a partnership together financially, emotionally, practically, psychologically and spiritually.

Money, income, earnings, and expenditure can be really important, especially if money is tight, or one person is earning more than the other.

It's also very important to take a step back, see how money issues work and are resolved really successfully in life (which doesn't necessarily mean having lots of money - or else people who are poor could never be so happy or blessed with each other and generous to strangers! Or people who are very rich or actually doing okay could ever be in such want and unhappiness with themselves and in the world!).

It may sound a strange thing to say when talking about money - it may even seem unrelated - but when it comes down to it, it can be absolutely essential in how you handle money, is your attitude and your commitment to your partner and the relationship.

If we are going to talk about money, underlying this, one of the things we stress at The Heart of Relationships, is the power and value of commitment.

Couples who integrate the wisdom of commitment to each other first, valuing each others' fulfillment and shared goals - start in a place where they are already secure and security helps them to thrive as individuals and as a couple together.

Working as a team of course includes working with financial and practical issues.

But before working on the practical issue of money, couples who work on a new level of intimacy, understanding, trust and co-operation, as all levels are connected - have the underlying core attitudes to support relationship building and have the keys to success in many other areas, including money.

And in it's place this wisdom of working together as a team - The Heart of Relationships Couple Counselling Program helps couples come to live well on every level together, emotionally, practically, physically and spiritually, and through integrating elements of life coaching and mentoring we really empower you on a practical realistic level to soar and live your dreams.

Because money is frequently related to Insecurity, dealing with insecurity is important

We can help you transform insecurity which you may bring to the relationship and have on your own into security through working together.

Bringing individual issues in couple counselling means your partner can support you in a very special way.

So we can deal with the presenting issues - and help you solve things at this level, and we can also help you solve things at a core level.

Coming to the real core of the issues you are working with, which may include issues from your childhood and life experience, which may have created insecurity in a deeper personal way, we can help you to become stronger as individuals - and as we work with you together - as a couple.

This is one way we work which makes the Heart of Relationships couple counselling program so special.

From working in tandem means you can more readily build your life, and your dreams, together, and become truly rich.

In fact we help you to start with all your resources, skills, talents, things which draw you together, so that you approaching issues from a position of strength. You can start with richness, and that's a very different place from being in want - and expecting material things to answer that want. Which is what sometimes happens when insecurity and money becomes a focus - and impacts the relationship with back-biting, argument, and accounting; instead of focusing on generating what you really want, on all levels.

In our experience, when you start with your resources, with courage, faith, and positive well-formed outcomes, this is beginning from a position of strength.

And in the words of one life-coach, this is "living from the inside out."  And beginning with your resources, talents, skills, all the wonderful things you have going for you, allows you better to start in a position of strength and love to creating the life you want.

If you have all the ingredients of a good relationship, which include self-awareness, fun, common loves and passions, is very important.

Making peace with every aspect of your relationship is also very important. And to make peace together as a financial partnership is very important.

Not making peace - in any area of your life or relationship - literally means being at war.

And even in one area of your life, whatever that is, being at war in one area and at peace and joy in others, can hurt and cause pain in your relationship.

Why Commitment is a good place to begin

Couples who start from a place commitment to each other and for building their lives start at a distinct advantage.

For this reason, before you start to deal with any issues, we would like to see your commitment to  working as a team?

Commitment to working as a team together is hugely important to the how you can approach and deal with things.

And frequently it's the approach to things, almost to everything, not the thing itself, which is the problem. And by the same token it's also how you can both approach things which leads to positive, life-enhancing solutions.

If you start with commitment to each other and to your relationship you are already half-way to success!

Your commitment helps you maximize implementing the practical benefits of The Heart of Relationships couple counselling programme into your relationship and your lives.

If you want to transform your life for the better, you can build a Bridge through which you can connect with each other and open out the highways of your life to thrive as people.

As the real riches in life are understanding, appreciation, generosity, faith and courage, we help you to begin in a place of riches and security to building a life together, rather insecurity and want.

Our experience as Coaches means that time and time again as couples approach sessions in this way you will experience yourselves working and enjoying together really well.

We give you the foundation and building blocks to do the work together

Whatever problems you arrive with, as we support you in developing and practicing the right attitude and approach to dealing with issues, you will find you are coming from a position of strength. From here you can face any insecurities in a really healthy way, so that you can begin with who you are and all you have - again instead of lack or want.

Having and knowing the key essential ingredients, the right understanding, attitudes and learning the very foundations to relationship building, sets you and your partner upon the road to succeeding. From despair, arguments, fighting, and misunderstandings, which set you apart, you can learn how to come together and really get creative enjoying fun, playing, passion and building your life together.

In this way, you can come with any issue you want, and we will help you deal not just with the issues, such a finances and practicalities, but also the core issues, and set you on the road to successfully creating the life you want, and making it work practically, spiritually and outwards on every level, living from the inside out!

Contact us today on 0800 024 8647.

John Donlon Couple Counsellor and Relationship Coach

A good therapist may help you to save your relationship - a great therapist will make your relationship better than it was ever before.The quality of therapist you choose, will determine the quality of relationship you achieve, and the quality of life you have.

That is why I teach communication skills to couples at the advanced levels taught to therapists - so that you can implement these skills into your daily lives - which changes the way you experience yourself, your partner and your life - increasing love and connection, in a way where you speak more directly, openly, and with more positive focus than ever before.

When two people do this, they create a positive circle. This is true because generosity and love inspires generosity and love. It makes us want to do things for our partner.

Often we do this anyway, but in a way in which we want to be loved. This may not fit our partner's model of the world nor who they are. I help couples to love their partner in accordance with their partners' model of the world in a way they can really receive and know that they are loved. This is very different than loving your partner in your own way. If your partner is more auditory, for example, they need to hear that you love them by the quality of what you say and the tone of your voice as it caresses them. If your partner is predominantly visual, they need to be shown that you love them - by making love, by bringing them flowers, by going out to nature with them, by romancing them with a candle-lit meal. If your partner is predominantly kinetic, they need to feel you love them - the emotions and physical actions you make towards them are what they notice first of all.

It is no good telling and a visual person you love them and expecting them to receive it; they need to be shown.

Their primary way of processing the world is like the key which opens the vault to their heart. An argument between an auditory woman and a visual man can go like this, "What do you mean I don't love you - I tell you all the time!" "How can you say that - we never make love - you never show me you love me!" 

The auditory woman may be baffled why her visual partner doesn't feel loved when she is telling him she loves him all the time. She is giving love in the way that is her own way of processing the world. This means close to nothing to a visual person. He needs to be shown through gestures and actions of love-making that she loves him. Then he feels loved.

The argument can go the other way too, from a visual man to an auditory woman, "How can you say I don't love you - I try to make love with you all the time!" "But you never say you love me - listen to the tone of your voice!"
 
So I help couples to really see how the other works, and create a bridge between them. Then they can really meet their partner's needs in the way that their partner needs to be loved, rather than the way they need to be loved. And I get both partners to do this with each other, however different they might be. 

This creates a connection. And what couples need more than anything else, is to experience love and connection.

This also helps couples to experience each other as they really are. This creates genuine relationship and engagement. Because we all want to be really seen as we are, when this happens, it can be a profound experience for both people. It means we feel really seen and heard as well. It is being in relationship with our  partner on a whole souled level.

This is only the first step. Once we begin to attune to what we share with our partner and makes us happy, we can begin to play. Play is one of the things which makes us feel really alive. It is why we love laughing so much. It is one of our reasons, of pure joy, for being.

In our relationship building program we help you heal what is wrong - and also help you focus on and create what is amazing!

You can do this right now - by opening out your heart and mind, dropping any limitations - and saying Yes, to new experiences and to your partner!

You can do this walking in the rain, having a romantic meal together, walking the dog, cooking, doing courses which inspire and challenge you, performing, playing with kids! Whatever makes you feel alive together! We are rich beyond our wildest dreams in our creativity.

Often couples forget this - and become too preoccupied in simply living. We help you remember what it's like to feel truly connected and alive and live it!

It is my intention not only to save your relationship - but to create an amazing relationship! So in our program that's a huge part of what couples focus on!

To help couples do this in an authentic way, as I say, I teach communication skills the most advanced therapists learn, I help you identity your goals and what makes you feel live as individuals - and support each other as a couple, and thrive! I help you really experience yourself and understand your own way of being and to change anything you need to to help you aspire to live out your dreams from the place of "home" of who you truly are - with unlimited power, giving, focus, playfulness, honesty, determination, and contribution.

We help you tap into your true nature and live it!

It was my intention to create a program which went far beyond the dimensions of traditional couple counselling, and with my partner Linda, we have created a way for couples to not only solve their issues but to live more deeply and feel more alive by creating a deeper yet more freeing connection with each other - than ever before.

This program is part of the blog you are reading now, and the work we are doing.

If you would like to take your own journey further and to discover how we help couples go much further than traditional couple counselling and expand their lives, please feel free to call for a free initial telephone consultation, or if you may like to book an initial appointment, on 0800 024 8647.

As individuals we like to do things our own way. We like to be in control. If you try and force your way upon your partner, it can tear your relationship apart. Over time, trying to be in control can turn off attraction switches - no one likes to be told what to do.

Instead of trying to be in control, you could be working with your partner, investing in them, in what makes them feel alive, and what brings you both alive together. 

This is the exact opposite of being controlling. Instead of "being right" you can have a more peaceful, connected, loving, growing adventurous relationship.

Byron Katie asks the powerful question, "Do you want to be right, or do you want peace?" Well, you can have more than peace. You can create an amazing partnership with a fulfilled life as individuals and as a couple!

Couples go round in circles prioritizing the wrong things. They make fear, doing things their own way much more important than giving, and playfully creating together.

Imagine for a moment the difference in two relationships - one where fear and doing things your way was the most important thing you chose to act out of, and a life and partnership where giving and playfully creating was the most important thing.

Imagine the kind of lives each couple will create.

We give you the choices to make intelligent conscious loving relationships which are a blessing to you, your partner, all of your friends, you children, and future grandchildren.

This is love. And this is your true nature. And in our programmes, you will come home.

John Donlon
London Couple Counselling and Coaching

We often talk and discuss here on our couples therapy website and also to our clients the importance of building a successful relationship.

We are going to share with you a fundamental step towards building successful relationship. Many couples simply fail with other couple counsellors because unfortunately the therapist does not understand the importance of well formed successful outcomes or how to achieve this with the couple. 

In order to create and build a successful relationship we first define what success means to you by following a specific process and asking specific questions. This is something many therapist do not apply or understand as in our experience some people define success in negative terms - such as living without pain, living without arguing ect. We invite you to view success by finding and saying what you want positively. We help you get to the core of what success means for you. And by following specific processes we help you to create a clear vision, meaning and purpose for your lives.

The couples we work with are often very surprised by the results! They come to understand what it means to create success - and why they were not able to do be successful in their relationship, and what was missing in the past. More importantly they combine understanding with action and rebuilding their relationship, creating new experiences, and moving forwards.

Knowing what you really want is the key to success. This is why it is fundamental for us to work with you to formulate your vision of success to begin with, sowing the seeds of what will develop, grow, and come into being in your relationship.

A misconception of building successful relationships is that success has an end point. There is a difference between success and a successful life. If you just focus on success you are limiting yourself but if you focus on a successful life then the successes along the way are goals part of a bigger picture.

As you live your life you will experience and achieve many successes along the way (and remember to enjoy and appreciate them) and use these successes to allow the foundations of your relationship grow from strength to strength.   

Use conflicts as an opportunity for growth.

Have an active, fun, loving and spontaneous sexual relationship.

Learn and move on from mistakes of the past and work forwards together.

Learn and use "real" communication skills to change the way you speak and listen.  Speak with truth, integrity and honesty and listen with an open mind and heart.

Keeping your passion alive. Be spontaneous and create loving meaningful moments.

The ability to manage conflicts, arguments and disagreements and use these as an opportunity for growth

Understand your partner's needs and how to meet them,  let your partner meet your needs and support each other.

Put your partner first.

Appreciate your partner.

Work together as a team and towards a shared goal.

Smile, laugh and have fun together

Do you want to build a successful relationships?  The first step is to call us and let's have a meaningful conversation and if we know we can help we schedule your appointment.