From Break-up, To A New Relationship
Christian-Based IFS Inspired Therapy
There was a Buddhist Student, and he asked the Master, after the break up of a Relationship, "There are two tigers in my heart. One is of Love. The other One is of Hate. Which one wins?" And the Master paused, and said, "The One which you feed..."
This is so true, for how we hold our past relationships in our heart. We can feed the parts of us that were traumatized, hurt, who have their stories about the person...or we can feed the memories and experiences the relationship which includes friendship, love, trauma, hurts, and transcendence...and hold them in love, with the radical acceptance of everything.
The song, by Gallagher and Lyle, "Every little teardrop," may unwittingly express this, in the lines, "Every little teardrop, happiness and heartache, if I had the chance, I'd do it all again." Not that we would make the same mistakes again willingly, but that we are willing to accept everything in our past relationship, its beauty and pain, and hold it all, in the radical acceptance of everything, in a spirit of love.
Our experiences and memories are part of us. They make us up. And if we hold experiences such as trauma and hurt and continually feed our stories about that, we will feed our woundedness, and may become heavy, and embittered. Our memories and experiences may diminish us. And holding them in this way, will certainly hurt us.
But if we hold them in love and radical acceptance of what happened, and the energy we hold them with around them, is one of love - we are much kinder to ourselves...and to our ex-partner....
The intentionally feeding the tiger of love rather than of hate regarding our ex-relationship and partner, means that we can cherish and reflect and hold in love all the good things that were in the relationship; and we can appereciate and hold in mercy and dissolve all the mis-attunements and trauma and hurts of the relationship in God's divine forgiveness and mercy and love to Us...in line with the scripture which says, "Bless the Lord all within me!" which means our memories and experiences - all of them, and because we recieve mercy in our hearts' for all within us, this mercy of God flows out through us, blessing everyone - particularly those who have been, and are, closest to us...
Saint Maria Gorreti, on her deathbed, prayed for her murderer, that he, Antonio Serrienelli, would be with her in heaven.
He was imprisoned with a jail term of 24 years for her murder. And within six years, she appeared to him in a dream - from heaven, not saying a word, but offering him 14 white flowers - which was significant, as this was the number of times he stabbed her...
That very night, her repented, and confessed to her murder - which he had always denied, and asked to see the bishop, and confessed his evil...and he turned his life around, to become such an exemplorary man, that there are now moves, for him to become a Saint.
If she can forgive such a man and such sin of him murdering her, and give forgiveness to her murderer, how much more should I, to partners of mine, who I have sinned against, and who have sinned against me - in my whole heart...
There is a transformative grace, in holding them, from the will of heaven.
This forgiveness, ties in with John Gottman's work. Who says that in relationships, we shoud have 7 positive interactions, to 1 negative intreraction in our present relationship. This ratio builds up something he calls, "Positive Sentiment Override," which means that I feel so well disposed towards my partner that even if she makes a mistake, I can still exuse it, and say, "Maybe she's having a bad day," and Focus on the Positive.
If, however, we are having a ratio of 7 negative interactions to 1 positive, I will have what John calls a 'negative sentiment over-ride,' and even if she does one positive things, I may say, "Yes, she's done this one good thing - but still, she is a bitch to me..."
This creating a Positibe Sentiment Over-ride in the way I hold past relationships, is very appropriate, in the way I hold my memories and experiences of my ex-partners - and the living experience of them in the present - in how I regard them...
This is much better, and grace-filled, for my heart.
We can choose to focus on the negatives of the relationships, and build up a negative sentiment over-ride, Or focus on the positives of the relationship, and build up a positive sentiment over-ride.
And it is not that a relationship was good or bad, but how I hold it, and all my experiences of it, in the Present...
And these experiences make up myself.
And both are appropriate and valid. Only, which one do you want to live with?
Our memories and experiences comprise us.
They make us up. How we are in the world.
And it is my contention if we hold our ex-partners in love and all our experienes - beautiful, hurtful, traumatic, transcendent, in love....our inner world will be more beautiful, truer, and aligned with who we are, and outflowing witht the mercy of - if we are a Christian - of God towards us...and we will as following Christ's example in receiving mercy for ourselvs...be more tender in our inner relation to whoever we have been with: and that will make us a happier and better human being. And also, it is true. When we recieve mercy and forgiveness and the magnification of blessing in ourselves before God this mercy and hold all of our experiences in the magnifaction of the Good, what naturally flows then from my heart is mercy and the forgiveness of all against me, and the magnfication of good experiences, out ot my heart personally...not according to my will or imperfections - which are many - but according to what I am receiving, and the disposition of my heart, and outflowings, of God towards others...
So if you truly want peace from your past and freedom to embrace a loving self-fulfilling future with a new love, which has a divinity to it...there is a process for this... and it can also apply to present relationships just as well as to past...if we hold everything within our present relationship in the radical acceptace of everything (a term which I have borrowed from Anna Wieser Cornell - of Focusing)...and live before God's mercy and forgiveness to Me...then how I then hold my memories and experiences - as I am being held - my memories and experiences presently are transformed...I am transformed...and my present relationship can become - miraculous... in that I am living in grace...
If you want to make peace with yourself and your experiences and your memories and go forwards in a more loving, whole, grace-filled way with your Self, this Christ Led personal path based upon the living Word of God in your heart, not in external books, may be for you...
And if you want to transform your current relationship, with a deep attitude of radical acceptance of all of your experiences, memories, and layung out a courageous future path, based upon mercy, clarity, and celebration of what feels good and true in your living, this path may also be for you...not relgiously but experientially and practically, in how your heart can transform and transform and build your relationship with yourself and with your partner and all around you...
If you feel called inwardly to come to radical peace and power within yourself, and to enhance the flowing grace you recieve in your relationship, call John on 089 487 5223 or 0795 412 9046, where we can explore your own inspiration and calling in a way which is deeply attuned and listening to You...
Christian-Based IFS Inspired Therapy
There was a Buddhist Student, and he asked the Master, after the break up of a Relationship, "There are two tigers in my heart. One is of Love. The other One is of Hate. Which one wins?" And the Master paused, and said, "The One which you feed..."
This is so true, for how we hold our past relationships in our heart. We can feed the parts of us that were traumatized, hurt, who have their stories about the person...or we can feed the memories and experiences the relationship which includes friendship, love, trauma, hurts, and transcendence...and hold them in love, with the radical acceptance of everything.
The song, by Gallagher and Lyle, "Every little teardrop," may unwittingly express this, in the lines, "Every little teardrop, happiness and heartache, if I had the chance, I'd do it all again." Not that we would make the same mistakes again willingly, but that we are willing to accept everything in our past relationship, its beauty and pain, and hold it all, in the radical acceptance of everything, in a spirit of love.
Our experiences and memories are part of us. They make us up. And if we hold experiences such as trauma and hurt and continually feed our stories about that, we will feed our woundedness, and may become heavy, and embittered. Our memories and experiences may diminish us. And holding them in this way, will certainly hurt us.
But if we hold them in love and radical acceptance of what happened, and the energy we hold them with around them, is one of love - we are much kinder to ourselves...and to our ex-partner....
The intentionally feeding the tiger of love rather than of hate regarding our ex-relationship and partner, means that we can cherish and reflect and hold in love all the good things that were in the relationship; and we can appereciate and hold in mercy and dissolve all the mis-attunements and trauma and hurts of the relationship in God's divine forgiveness and mercy and love to Us...in line with the scripture which says, "Bless the Lord all within me!" which means our memories and experiences - all of them, and because we recieve mercy in our hearts' for all within us, this mercy of God flows out through us, blessing everyone - particularly those who have been, and are, closest to us...
Saint Maria Gorreti, on her deathbed, prayed for her murderer, that he, Antonio Serrienelli, would be with her in heaven.
He was imprisoned with a jail term of 24 years for her murder. And within six years, she appeared to him in a dream - from heaven, not saying a word, but offering him 14 white flowers - which was significant, as this was the number of times he stabbed her...
That very night, her repented, and confessed to her murder - which he had always denied, and asked to see the bishop, and confessed his evil...and he turned his life around, to become such an exemplorary man, that there are now moves, for him to become a Saint.
If she can forgive such a man and such sin of him murdering her, and give forgiveness to her murderer, how much more should I, to partners of mine, who I have sinned against, and who have sinned against me - in my whole heart...
There is a transformative grace, in holding them, from the will of heaven.
This forgiveness, ties in with John Gottman's work. Who says that in relationships, we shoud have 7 positive interactions, to 1 negative intreraction in our present relationship. This ratio builds up something he calls, "Positive Sentiment Override," which means that I feel so well disposed towards my partner that even if she makes a mistake, I can still exuse it, and say, "Maybe she's having a bad day," and Focus on the Positive.
If, however, we are having a ratio of 7 negative interactions to 1 positive, I will have what John calls a 'negative sentiment over-ride,' and even if she does one positive things, I may say, "Yes, she's done this one good thing - but still, she is a bitch to me..."
This creating a Positibe Sentiment Over-ride in the way I hold past relationships, is very appropriate, in the way I hold my memories and experiences of my ex-partners - and the living experience of them in the present - in how I regard them...
This is much better, and grace-filled, for my heart.
We can choose to focus on the negatives of the relationships, and build up a negative sentiment over-ride, Or focus on the positives of the relationship, and build up a positive sentiment over-ride.
And it is not that a relationship was good or bad, but how I hold it, and all my experiences of it, in the Present...
And these experiences make up myself.
And both are appropriate and valid. Only, which one do you want to live with?
Our memories and experiences comprise us.
They make us up. How we are in the world.
And it is my contention if we hold our ex-partners in love and all our experienes - beautiful, hurtful, traumatic, transcendent, in love....our inner world will be more beautiful, truer, and aligned with who we are, and outflowing witht the mercy of - if we are a Christian - of God towards us...and we will as following Christ's example in receiving mercy for ourselvs...be more tender in our inner relation to whoever we have been with: and that will make us a happier and better human being. And also, it is true. When we recieve mercy and forgiveness and the magnification of blessing in ourselves before God this mercy and hold all of our experiences in the magnifaction of the Good, what naturally flows then from my heart is mercy and the forgiveness of all against me, and the magnfication of good experiences, out ot my heart personally...not according to my will or imperfections - which are many - but according to what I am receiving, and the disposition of my heart, and outflowings, of God towards others...
So if you truly want peace from your past and freedom to embrace a loving self-fulfilling future with a new love, which has a divinity to it...there is a process for this... and it can also apply to present relationships just as well as to past...if we hold everything within our present relationship in the radical acceptace of everything (a term which I have borrowed from Anna Wieser Cornell - of Focusing)...and live before God's mercy and forgiveness to Me...then how I then hold my memories and experiences - as I am being held - my memories and experiences presently are transformed...I am transformed...and my present relationship can become - miraculous... in that I am living in grace...
If you want to make peace with yourself and your experiences and your memories and go forwards in a more loving, whole, grace-filled way with your Self, this Christ Led personal path based upon the living Word of God in your heart, not in external books, may be for you...
And if you want to transform your current relationship, with a deep attitude of radical acceptance of all of your experiences, memories, and layung out a courageous future path, based upon mercy, clarity, and celebration of what feels good and true in your living, this path may also be for you...not relgiously but experientially and practically, in how your heart can transform and transform and build your relationship with yourself and with your partner and all around you...
If you feel called inwardly to come to radical peace and power within yourself, and to enhance the flowing grace you recieve in your relationship, call John on 089 487 5223 or 0795 412 9046, where we can explore your own inspiration and calling in a way which is deeply attuned and listening to You...
