Communication that Connects: Turning Conversations into Love
Hello, and a very warm welcome to Communicating With Kindness and Courage.
There’s a way to speak—and to listen—that invites love back into the space between us. It begins not with words, but with the attitude we bring before we say a single thing. I offer want to offer a model of love, from my own life and living, absolutely aligned, with work I do, with the clients I am blessed to work with...
Part One: The Living Experience
Step One: Grounding Yourself Before You Speak or Listen
Before I open my mouth or lend my ears, I pause. I breathe. I find my center. I check in with the deeper part of me that wants connection more than victory.
When I speak, I speak not from defensiveness, but from affirmation of the higher value I want to achieve and am living. And I make it conscious. I add it into what I am saying, so that I create a frame in my speech, so there can be little opportunity to mistake about where I am coming from, my intentions and congruence with who I am and where I stand, and what I am aspiring and reaching out for - and doing it demonstrably in the way I am being.
Even if I flounder. Even if I make mistakes - which I do, frequently, I am quick to learn and correct and humble myself and get back up with courage.
There was a Kung Fu master, and after he gave a demonstration, a student came up to him and said, "You didn't make one mistake." The master replied, "I was off-balance. I made many mistakes. But I rectify them so quickly and come back - that is what is important."
Once an ex-partner accussed me of a litany of things, listening to her, there was no way back, no opportunity to learn to grow to be different and be as I was and am. So I said, "You are right. And whatever I have done, however I have been, in this day, in this moment, I am present, I am accountable, and I am here - and I will be kind - and you can try me out to see if that's true right now...we can go into anything you want
Step Two: Listening with Your Whole Being
When I listen, I try to listen not from the story I’m telling about you, but from presence. I remind myself: This moment is not about winning. This is about understanding. This is about love-in-presence making its way through the space between us, to land in your heart. To know I've got your heart. That I've heard you.
So when someone speaks, I listen with my whole self. With my heart, my spirit, my body, my energetic body, my mind. I temporarily put down my own narrative, my own movie reel, and step into theirs. Not to agree or disagree. Just to understand. I mirror their words. I let them know I’ve heard.
And then I ask: “Is there more?” Because there always is. And that “more” is often where the heart really lives.
When they’re ready, I reflect what I heard—not just the facts, but the feelings. I offer empathy. Real empathy. Not solutions. Not logic. Just being with them in their truth.
Step Three: Speaking in a Way That Builds Love
When it’s my turn to speak, I start with curiousity. With “I feel” and “I’d love if we could.” I speak to what I need—not to punish, but to connect.
Before I speak, I ask myself:
What is the positive outcome I want from this conversation?
What’s the deeper reason I’m even bringing this up?
Maybe it’s because I want us to feel closer.
Maybe it’s because I want to feel safe, respected, or seen.
Maybe it’s because I love you, and I want us to thrive.
So I let that outcome shape my tone, my body, my words. I speak with love at my back.
And when the person I am speaking with responds, I stay in an agreement frame, not a conflict one. Even when they say something hard, I don’t fight fire with fire. I look for the truth in what they’re saying. I start with “You’re right,” or “Thank you for telling me,” and I continue with “And…” Because “But” erases everything before it. “And” builds a bridge.
For example: “You’re right. And thank you for telling me. I’ll get right on it. And I’m glad you said that—because I want to be a strong team. I really care for you.” Just like that, in my home life, we’ve gone from doing the dishes…to building love.
With the people I am blessed to work with, we've gone from my assumptions, to their knowing more about themselves than I ever could - and learning. I kneel at the altar of their knowing, for wisdom to emerge. And their unfolding in the sunshine of Self energy between us, miraculously, it does.
Step Four: The Inner Compass
Every time we speak, we can choose where we’re speaking from. Are we speaking from defensiveness, from protecing our identity, from pain? Or are we speaking from the part of us that remembers: I am more than this moment. I am grounded in something deeper.
If I feel triggered, I check where I’m experiencing the hurt: Am I taking this personally? Or can I shift into the level of behavior, where change is easier, safer, more playful?
The more I remember that my worth isn’t on the line, the freer I am to communicate with love, humility, and honesty.
When I hold this compass clearly, I help my partner feel safe too. We become not opponents, but allies—working together to heal what’s between us.
With the people I am blessed to work with, we meet in Rumi's field, in a space between right and wrong, where there is no judgement. I will meet You there.
This is how we learn to communicate in a way that heals rather than harms. That brings us closer instead of pushing us apart. It takes practice. And it’s worth it. My private life and what I live is congruous. The Same. I meet you with the same heart as I meet my partner with and those dearest to me. And those far apart.
Part Two: The Framework Behind the Practice - A Unique Integration You Can Live and Learn
Everything I share above is lived. These are not ideas I teach from a distance—they are practices I embody in my own relationships, day by day, breath by breath.
But they’re also grounded in powerful, well-tested models that have changed thousands of lives. If we work together, with permission, I’ll guide you experientially through these frameworks—until they become second nature to you too.
Here’s where these skills come from—and how we’ll work with them:
🔹 Listening with Presence and Empathy: Imago Dialogue & Carl Rogers
You’ll learn how to listen without judgment, without fixing, without filtering everything through your own narrative.
You’ll learn to mirror what you hear, validate your partner’s emotional experience, and offer real empathy.
These listening skills come directly from the Imago Dialogue process—a structured, healing way to communicate—and from the deep presence-centered listening of Carl Rogers, who said, and lived, "We listen, with our whole being."
We won’t just talk about it. You’ll practice it in session, and feel the shift in real time.
🔹 Speaking with Clarity, Kindness, and Skill - John Gottman & Terry Real
You’ll learn how to turn criticism into clear, positive, actionable requests. Instead of saying what your partner is doing wrong, you’ll learn to say what you want more of.
This comes from decades of research in relational repair and conflict resolution. But we’ll go further—into relational savvy: how to say things in a way that actually works.
You’ll learn to time your feedback well, match your words to your intention, and choose a tone that invites connection. This is how needs get met with grace.
🔹 Attuning Before You Communicate: Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Most couples get into trouble not because they don’t care—but because their protective parts hijack the conversation.
In our work, you’ll learn how to pause and notice who inside you is about to speak—and how to return to Self, the calm, clear, compassionate center that can guide your words and your listening.
IFS gives us the inner framework. You’ll learn how to listen from Self, speak from Self, and repair from Self. This changes everything.
🔹 Shifting Levels of Conflict and Connection: Robert Dilts’ Neurological Levels of Change
One of the most powerful tools I’ll give you is a map: A way to recognize where you’re communicating from—so you can shift to a more workable place. Are you reacting from identity? From old beliefs? Or are you speaking simply from a behavior or need in the moment?
Together, we’ll use Dilts’ model to help you move out of personalizing and into collaboration. We’ll also learn how to escalate positively—from behavior up into love, shared purpose, and meaning. That’s how ordinary moments become opportunities for connection and transformation.
🔹 Reframing Conflict into Collaboration: Conversational Framing, Agreement Frames, and Language Precision
When your partner comes to you with a complaint, how you respond sets the tone for everything. In our work, you’ll learn how to use subtle but powerful language shifts to keep conversations safe and generative:
You Can Change Your Conversations. You Can Remodel Your Relationship. And You Can Begin Now.
When you learn to speak and listen this way, you’re not just becoming a better communicator. You’re becoming a better partner. A better parent. A better friend. And maybe most importantly, a better ally to your own heart.
If you’re ready to stop repeating the same old patterns—and start learning how to speak and listen in a way that actually works—I’d love to work with you.
This is not just about communication. It’s about creating a relationship that works, where love has room to move, again.
Call John Today, on 0795 412 9046, or please fill out the form below. I really look forwards to hearing from you.
Hello, and a very warm welcome to Communicating With Kindness and Courage.
There’s a way to speak—and to listen—that invites love back into the space between us. It begins not with words, but with the attitude we bring before we say a single thing. I offer want to offer a model of love, from my own life and living, absolutely aligned, with work I do, with the clients I am blessed to work with...
Part One: The Living Experience
Step One: Grounding Yourself Before You Speak or Listen
Before I open my mouth or lend my ears, I pause. I breathe. I find my center. I check in with the deeper part of me that wants connection more than victory.
When I speak, I speak not from defensiveness, but from affirmation of the higher value I want to achieve and am living. And I make it conscious. I add it into what I am saying, so that I create a frame in my speech, so there can be little opportunity to mistake about where I am coming from, my intentions and congruence with who I am and where I stand, and what I am aspiring and reaching out for - and doing it demonstrably in the way I am being.
Even if I flounder. Even if I make mistakes - which I do, frequently, I am quick to learn and correct and humble myself and get back up with courage.
There was a Kung Fu master, and after he gave a demonstration, a student came up to him and said, "You didn't make one mistake." The master replied, "I was off-balance. I made many mistakes. But I rectify them so quickly and come back - that is what is important."
Once an ex-partner accussed me of a litany of things, listening to her, there was no way back, no opportunity to learn to grow to be different and be as I was and am. So I said, "You are right. And whatever I have done, however I have been, in this day, in this moment, I am present, I am accountable, and I am here - and I will be kind - and you can try me out to see if that's true right now...we can go into anything you want
Step Two: Listening with Your Whole Being
When I listen, I try to listen not from the story I’m telling about you, but from presence. I remind myself: This moment is not about winning. This is about understanding. This is about love-in-presence making its way through the space between us, to land in your heart. To know I've got your heart. That I've heard you.
So when someone speaks, I listen with my whole self. With my heart, my spirit, my body, my energetic body, my mind. I temporarily put down my own narrative, my own movie reel, and step into theirs. Not to agree or disagree. Just to understand. I mirror their words. I let them know I’ve heard.
And then I ask: “Is there more?” Because there always is. And that “more” is often where the heart really lives.
When they’re ready, I reflect what I heard—not just the facts, but the feelings. I offer empathy. Real empathy. Not solutions. Not logic. Just being with them in their truth.
Step Three: Speaking in a Way That Builds Love
When it’s my turn to speak, I start with curiousity. With “I feel” and “I’d love if we could.” I speak to what I need—not to punish, but to connect.
Before I speak, I ask myself:
What is the positive outcome I want from this conversation?
What’s the deeper reason I’m even bringing this up?
Maybe it’s because I want us to feel closer.
Maybe it’s because I want to feel safe, respected, or seen.
Maybe it’s because I love you, and I want us to thrive.
So I let that outcome shape my tone, my body, my words. I speak with love at my back.
And when the person I am speaking with responds, I stay in an agreement frame, not a conflict one. Even when they say something hard, I don’t fight fire with fire. I look for the truth in what they’re saying. I start with “You’re right,” or “Thank you for telling me,” and I continue with “And…” Because “But” erases everything before it. “And” builds a bridge.
For example: “You’re right. And thank you for telling me. I’ll get right on it. And I’m glad you said that—because I want to be a strong team. I really care for you.” Just like that, in my home life, we’ve gone from doing the dishes…to building love.
With the people I am blessed to work with, we've gone from my assumptions, to their knowing more about themselves than I ever could - and learning. I kneel at the altar of their knowing, for wisdom to emerge. And their unfolding in the sunshine of Self energy between us, miraculously, it does.
Step Four: The Inner Compass
Every time we speak, we can choose where we’re speaking from. Are we speaking from defensiveness, from protecing our identity, from pain? Or are we speaking from the part of us that remembers: I am more than this moment. I am grounded in something deeper.
If I feel triggered, I check where I’m experiencing the hurt: Am I taking this personally? Or can I shift into the level of behavior, where change is easier, safer, more playful?
The more I remember that my worth isn’t on the line, the freer I am to communicate with love, humility, and honesty.
When I hold this compass clearly, I help my partner feel safe too. We become not opponents, but allies—working together to heal what’s between us.
With the people I am blessed to work with, we meet in Rumi's field, in a space between right and wrong, where there is no judgement. I will meet You there.
This is how we learn to communicate in a way that heals rather than harms. That brings us closer instead of pushing us apart. It takes practice. And it’s worth it. My private life and what I live is congruous. The Same. I meet you with the same heart as I meet my partner with and those dearest to me. And those far apart.
Part Two: The Framework Behind the Practice - A Unique Integration You Can Live and Learn
Everything I share above is lived. These are not ideas I teach from a distance—they are practices I embody in my own relationships, day by day, breath by breath.
But they’re also grounded in powerful, well-tested models that have changed thousands of lives. If we work together, with permission, I’ll guide you experientially through these frameworks—until they become second nature to you too.
Here’s where these skills come from—and how we’ll work with them:
🔹 Listening with Presence and Empathy: Imago Dialogue & Carl Rogers
You’ll learn how to listen without judgment, without fixing, without filtering everything through your own narrative.
You’ll learn to mirror what you hear, validate your partner’s emotional experience, and offer real empathy.
These listening skills come directly from the Imago Dialogue process—a structured, healing way to communicate—and from the deep presence-centered listening of Carl Rogers, who said, and lived, "We listen, with our whole being."
We won’t just talk about it. You’ll practice it in session, and feel the shift in real time.
🔹 Speaking with Clarity, Kindness, and Skill - John Gottman & Terry Real
You’ll learn how to turn criticism into clear, positive, actionable requests. Instead of saying what your partner is doing wrong, you’ll learn to say what you want more of.
This comes from decades of research in relational repair and conflict resolution. But we’ll go further—into relational savvy: how to say things in a way that actually works.
You’ll learn to time your feedback well, match your words to your intention, and choose a tone that invites connection. This is how needs get met with grace.
🔹 Attuning Before You Communicate: Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Most couples get into trouble not because they don’t care—but because their protective parts hijack the conversation.
In our work, you’ll learn how to pause and notice who inside you is about to speak—and how to return to Self, the calm, clear, compassionate center that can guide your words and your listening.
IFS gives us the inner framework. You’ll learn how to listen from Self, speak from Self, and repair from Self. This changes everything.
🔹 Shifting Levels of Conflict and Connection: Robert Dilts’ Neurological Levels of Change
One of the most powerful tools I’ll give you is a map: A way to recognize where you’re communicating from—so you can shift to a more workable place. Are you reacting from identity? From old beliefs? Or are you speaking simply from a behavior or need in the moment?
Together, we’ll use Dilts’ model to help you move out of personalizing and into collaboration. We’ll also learn how to escalate positively—from behavior up into love, shared purpose, and meaning. That’s how ordinary moments become opportunities for connection and transformation.
🔹 Reframing Conflict into Collaboration: Conversational Framing, Agreement Frames, and Language Precision
When your partner comes to you with a complaint, how you respond sets the tone for everything. In our work, you’ll learn how to use subtle but powerful language shifts to keep conversations safe and generative:
- Starting with agreement instead of opposition
- Replacing “but” with “and” to build connection
- Speaking with positive intention and shared outcome in mind
- Using emotionally intelligent reframes that preserve dignity and foster teamwork
You Can Change Your Conversations. You Can Remodel Your Relationship. And You Can Begin Now.
When you learn to speak and listen this way, you’re not just becoming a better communicator. You’re becoming a better partner. A better parent. A better friend. And maybe most importantly, a better ally to your own heart.
If you’re ready to stop repeating the same old patterns—and start learning how to speak and listen in a way that actually works—I’d love to work with you.
This is not just about communication. It’s about creating a relationship that works, where love has room to move, again.
Call John Today, on 0795 412 9046, or please fill out the form below. I really look forwards to hearing from you.
