Confrontation
Facing Each Other With Compassion
Facing Each Other With Compassion
The word confrontation, means "to come face to face." When I work with people, in different positions, I come to them with so much empathy and love and understanding, I make sure I'm "getting" them - in their terms, in their world, in the way they feel and are...so they are deeply understood, and that understanding is energetic and palpable in the room - there is an energetic ring to what is happening - and it is true - and it's felt as true...
I then "get" their partner. In the same situation they are talking about. The same event. Where there has been a mis-attunement.
This is some event that has in some way wounded them both.
And they both have a story to tell.
And that story - although the facts may be the same - has different meaning for each of them- and that meaning, usually contradicts their partners'.
In fact, as they are telling their story, at the beginning, they are in conflict - in an opposing fashion. They are face to face. But there's little empathy. And no love. There is hurt there. Feeling misunderstood by each other. And there are parts of each of them, vying to be heard. Getting louder and louder, for their partner to hear them. For their partner to "get" them. And their partner is getting louder and louder with a different story.
So they can't get each other.
At least, not yet.
And usually not for the years they've had this oppositional way of holding two separate realities - vying to be heard, and cancelling each other out: so they've been feeling unheard, hurt, wounded, and each time they visit the event in this way, they re-trigger and stir up parts of them underneath, that feel hurt, wounded, and righteous in their own reality - at their partner's expense.
And yet, something brings them into the room.
So now they're in a room, with someone, listening, deeply, to both of them, at the same time.
And I really want to "get" them. So I am listening to each of them, with my whole being. With my body, my mind, my heart, my spirit, my energy - I am totally available, and with enough space, to encompass and include both of them.
So now, they are literally being held energetically in the same space, with deepening listening for their own experience - and at some point, I begin inviting the non-speaking partner, to reflect back in an advanced way the key points which their partner really wants them to hear: and they do!
And as they do, this is meeting their partner's deepest need, to be seen, heard, felt, and organically understood, with empathy - and being invited in, in this way - which in no way deletes nor changes their own experience, allows the now empathically listening partner, to experience on their own pulse, compassion for their partner.
And compassion for them, talking about the same situation, which has polarised them, for years.
It doesn't mean they agree with their partner, on a logical level, or on any other level.
It does mean that the differentiation between them now, is so great, that they can be totally different in the same space in my office - or on zoom, and move from an oppositional position, to one of understanding - and they can actually move from that basis of understanding their partner deeply now, to adjust in this very moment towards their partner - by acknowledging their partner's experience, and their partner as a being, with a felt sense for their partner - and by their very acknowledgement and compassion - they are taking action - energetically.
And this is important. "Taking action energetically."
Allow me to explain what I mean, before going any further.
People look to material things, and think they have something. They don't look at nor value - unless they are very special indeed - the experience and the metaphysics of the journey.
The metaphysics are the emotional and psychological and spiritual reality and truth that is here.
To give an example, I once went into Glastonbury Abbey. They were giving away free hot dogs in one part of the Abbey. And the attendant said to me as I was going in, kindly, if I wanted a hot dog - and added he could tell me where to go.
I said, "Yes, I'd like one!"
He smiled, and gave me explicit directions, to get to the place where they were handing them out.
So I thanked him, and began my journey inside, walking round the paths among the great ruins and shaded trees and the fish pond, glistening in the winter sunshine.
As I walked around, however, I looked at the time. My dinner would be soon. If I had a hot dog, it would spoil my appetite. So I decided there and then, on the spot, not to get a hot dog.
As I was leaving the Abbey some 30 minutes later, the same attendant at the gate asked me, "Did you get the hot dog?"
I said, "No. No, I did not."
His face fell, with disappointment.
I explained, "I figured that my dinner was soon, and that would spoil my appetite, so I decided not to."
"Oh," he said, still looking disappointed. "So you didn't get the hot dog."
"No," I said. I paused. I looked him in the eye, with my spirit. I said, "I got your kindness."
He smiled. He knew what I was saying.
Kindness, is a real thing. It is a possession of spirit. It has it's own energy. It counts. And at that moment, it was far more important than the material thing of getting a hot dog, or any other material thing.
People will go through interactions, with a material goal or outcome, or objective, and go into relationship - and negotiate, or barter, or go through a journey - and if a person doesn't reach their desired outcome, make a sale, get a date, whatever, they think they have achieved nothing.
They throw the good stuff away. Whatever was invisible.The thing that really counted. The joke they made up between them along the way. The tender moments in the conversation. The value of the other person's being. And the relationship they've just had. Which counts for more than material outcome.
People sometimes focus on the things that do not profit the heart..
So when I encounter someone, I notice. I notice what's really important..
Sometimes, if it's on a certain level, there is not much there. At all.
But sometimes, I leave rich, with nothing at all of the outcome either I nor they perhaps began going in with.
I believe, I should never go on a journey with a goal, without my heart being opened to receive so much more than I was hoping for. That really opens out my heart. Not that I haven't got any goals. But the way I go on my journey towards something with someone else changes what outcomes happen - and with love and wonder, that's more than parts of me might expect.
That something more, might just be the treasure of God. And it might be another's' kindness. That is not nothing. That is more important than the material thing. It has a preciousness of being in the Present possession of Goodness. Held by a wellspring which is greater than my heart.
I bring this up here in this moment, because the couple I am working with, when one of them truly has empathy for their partner - re-doing a situation from the past where back there - and when they entered my office at first - they and their partner were in opposition - and remained so for years about this - ...in this experience of deep listening and empathy with each other...now there is a see-change - a change of vision and position - without losing their own experience - but being able to encompass their own and their partners' experience - in this moment, in my office...in the moment, when they demonstrate, literally show their partner empathy and compassion - that is an action.
It is not nothing. It counts.
Their partner wanted their understanding, and adjustment. That is, they wanted their partner's Understanding and Action.
Understanding someone and not taking meaningful action out of that understanding - action that matters to their partner, is like a slap in the face. Understanding backed by action, is not only restorative, it breathes life into the relationship. And it needs to be consistent action. Our brains like predictability. It makes us feel safe, when we know what coming. That we can go into an encounter, and predictably we will be heard, seen, felt, understood - and that our partner cares enough about us as a being to take action out of that understanding.
So when this is happening in my office...and we are in the tenderness of this moment...Then, I will reverse the situation. As I have been empathising deeply with the listener, I turn the situation around, and invite them to be the active one. I make sure and bring their experience deeply into the moment in the room energetically, speaking it out loud, recapping what they said, with a resonance that I feel it in a very attuned and curious way with them, and then their energy comes alive, into the room.
And as this happens...I will invite the previous partner who has received so much compassion and empathy from their partner just a moment ago...if they are now "getting" their partner? And amazingly, they do!
And they will say that with the empathy in the room that they are feeling at that moment for themselves towards their partner, too,
This, in part, is also what their partner needs.
I say "in part" because we want to follow this deep empathy and understanding by action.
Now, this action is energetic and metaphysical. And being on the "meta" level - for real in the listener's experience - empathy coming from this level expresses itself on the physical also. This is transcendence. Not something which we cannot see, feel and hear, but an action with Presence.
This is real. Between the two of them. And the three of us. I am bearing witness.
The collective Self-energy between three people, is powerful.
And it is with this action, and the joint connection, and the re-experiencing things that were wounding, hurtful, and held in a way which they are driving each other apart before, and now are holding in a way which is drawing them together, with deep understanding, compassion for each other in flow, and mutual action, on the real emotional and spiritual level coming through to the physical - so that they mean it...this is the how of how the magic of encounter is happening...
People meet.
Couples meet.
And it's truly beautiful, to be in the presence of.
They have moved from coming "face to face" oppositionally, to coming face to face, with all of their differences, in warmth and love - without losing anything of their individual experiences - and gaining a connection - where I can see them looking at each other with gestures and the energy of affection and care - mutually, flowing between them, and with us, in the room.
This is how couples can "learn" to turn their confrontation - their face to face - from war to deep understanding and warm collaboration. They are fully themselves in their own experience and way of being. And go to something greater than themselves together. In a good way.
And that is something, we do together.
If this is an approach you might like to experience with each other, in events which have wounded you both, and where you feel misunderstood, and your confidence and trust in your partner meeting and seeing and "getting" you has been eroded, and vica-versa, we can arrange a conversation, or a series of conversations, to redo and rework hurtful events, and create, over time, and the practice of being in these ways, in an energy that holds all of us in the room, and with practice, can become a way of being.
Confrontation Training, to bring you face to face, in a different way.
If this is something you would like to explore, contact John, on 0795 412 9046, and I will be happy to hear from you.
The word confrontation, means "to come face to face." When I work with people, in different positions, I come to them with so much empathy and love and understanding, I make sure I'm "getting" them - in their terms, in their world, in the way they feel and are...so they are deeply understood, and that understanding is energetic and palpable in the room - there is an energetic ring to what is happening - and it is true - and it's felt as true...
I then "get" their partner. In the same situation they are talking about. The same event. Where there has been a mis-attunement.
This is some event that has in some way wounded them both.
And they both have a story to tell.
And that story - although the facts may be the same - has different meaning for each of them- and that meaning, usually contradicts their partners'.
In fact, as they are telling their story, at the beginning, they are in conflict - in an opposing fashion. They are face to face. But there's little empathy. And no love. There is hurt there. Feeling misunderstood by each other. And there are parts of each of them, vying to be heard. Getting louder and louder, for their partner to hear them. For their partner to "get" them. And their partner is getting louder and louder with a different story.
So they can't get each other.
At least, not yet.
And usually not for the years they've had this oppositional way of holding two separate realities - vying to be heard, and cancelling each other out: so they've been feeling unheard, hurt, wounded, and each time they visit the event in this way, they re-trigger and stir up parts of them underneath, that feel hurt, wounded, and righteous in their own reality - at their partner's expense.
And yet, something brings them into the room.
So now they're in a room, with someone, listening, deeply, to both of them, at the same time.
And I really want to "get" them. So I am listening to each of them, with my whole being. With my body, my mind, my heart, my spirit, my energy - I am totally available, and with enough space, to encompass and include both of them.
So now, they are literally being held energetically in the same space, with deepening listening for their own experience - and at some point, I begin inviting the non-speaking partner, to reflect back in an advanced way the key points which their partner really wants them to hear: and they do!
And as they do, this is meeting their partner's deepest need, to be seen, heard, felt, and organically understood, with empathy - and being invited in, in this way - which in no way deletes nor changes their own experience, allows the now empathically listening partner, to experience on their own pulse, compassion for their partner.
And compassion for them, talking about the same situation, which has polarised them, for years.
It doesn't mean they agree with their partner, on a logical level, or on any other level.
It does mean that the differentiation between them now, is so great, that they can be totally different in the same space in my office - or on zoom, and move from an oppositional position, to one of understanding - and they can actually move from that basis of understanding their partner deeply now, to adjust in this very moment towards their partner - by acknowledging their partner's experience, and their partner as a being, with a felt sense for their partner - and by their very acknowledgement and compassion - they are taking action - energetically.
And this is important. "Taking action energetically."
Allow me to explain what I mean, before going any further.
People look to material things, and think they have something. They don't look at nor value - unless they are very special indeed - the experience and the metaphysics of the journey.
The metaphysics are the emotional and psychological and spiritual reality and truth that is here.
To give an example, I once went into Glastonbury Abbey. They were giving away free hot dogs in one part of the Abbey. And the attendant said to me as I was going in, kindly, if I wanted a hot dog - and added he could tell me where to go.
I said, "Yes, I'd like one!"
He smiled, and gave me explicit directions, to get to the place where they were handing them out.
So I thanked him, and began my journey inside, walking round the paths among the great ruins and shaded trees and the fish pond, glistening in the winter sunshine.
As I walked around, however, I looked at the time. My dinner would be soon. If I had a hot dog, it would spoil my appetite. So I decided there and then, on the spot, not to get a hot dog.
As I was leaving the Abbey some 30 minutes later, the same attendant at the gate asked me, "Did you get the hot dog?"
I said, "No. No, I did not."
His face fell, with disappointment.
I explained, "I figured that my dinner was soon, and that would spoil my appetite, so I decided not to."
"Oh," he said, still looking disappointed. "So you didn't get the hot dog."
"No," I said. I paused. I looked him in the eye, with my spirit. I said, "I got your kindness."
He smiled. He knew what I was saying.
Kindness, is a real thing. It is a possession of spirit. It has it's own energy. It counts. And at that moment, it was far more important than the material thing of getting a hot dog, or any other material thing.
People will go through interactions, with a material goal or outcome, or objective, and go into relationship - and negotiate, or barter, or go through a journey - and if a person doesn't reach their desired outcome, make a sale, get a date, whatever, they think they have achieved nothing.
They throw the good stuff away. Whatever was invisible.The thing that really counted. The joke they made up between them along the way. The tender moments in the conversation. The value of the other person's being. And the relationship they've just had. Which counts for more than material outcome.
People sometimes focus on the things that do not profit the heart..
So when I encounter someone, I notice. I notice what's really important..
Sometimes, if it's on a certain level, there is not much there. At all.
But sometimes, I leave rich, with nothing at all of the outcome either I nor they perhaps began going in with.
I believe, I should never go on a journey with a goal, without my heart being opened to receive so much more than I was hoping for. That really opens out my heart. Not that I haven't got any goals. But the way I go on my journey towards something with someone else changes what outcomes happen - and with love and wonder, that's more than parts of me might expect.
That something more, might just be the treasure of God. And it might be another's' kindness. That is not nothing. That is more important than the material thing. It has a preciousness of being in the Present possession of Goodness. Held by a wellspring which is greater than my heart.
I bring this up here in this moment, because the couple I am working with, when one of them truly has empathy for their partner - re-doing a situation from the past where back there - and when they entered my office at first - they and their partner were in opposition - and remained so for years about this - ...in this experience of deep listening and empathy with each other...now there is a see-change - a change of vision and position - without losing their own experience - but being able to encompass their own and their partners' experience - in this moment, in my office...in the moment, when they demonstrate, literally show their partner empathy and compassion - that is an action.
It is not nothing. It counts.
Their partner wanted their understanding, and adjustment. That is, they wanted their partner's Understanding and Action.
Understanding someone and not taking meaningful action out of that understanding - action that matters to their partner, is like a slap in the face. Understanding backed by action, is not only restorative, it breathes life into the relationship. And it needs to be consistent action. Our brains like predictability. It makes us feel safe, when we know what coming. That we can go into an encounter, and predictably we will be heard, seen, felt, understood - and that our partner cares enough about us as a being to take action out of that understanding.
So when this is happening in my office...and we are in the tenderness of this moment...Then, I will reverse the situation. As I have been empathising deeply with the listener, I turn the situation around, and invite them to be the active one. I make sure and bring their experience deeply into the moment in the room energetically, speaking it out loud, recapping what they said, with a resonance that I feel it in a very attuned and curious way with them, and then their energy comes alive, into the room.
And as this happens...I will invite the previous partner who has received so much compassion and empathy from their partner just a moment ago...if they are now "getting" their partner? And amazingly, they do!
And they will say that with the empathy in the room that they are feeling at that moment for themselves towards their partner, too,
This, in part, is also what their partner needs.
I say "in part" because we want to follow this deep empathy and understanding by action.
Now, this action is energetic and metaphysical. And being on the "meta" level - for real in the listener's experience - empathy coming from this level expresses itself on the physical also. This is transcendence. Not something which we cannot see, feel and hear, but an action with Presence.
This is real. Between the two of them. And the three of us. I am bearing witness.
The collective Self-energy between three people, is powerful.
And it is with this action, and the joint connection, and the re-experiencing things that were wounding, hurtful, and held in a way which they are driving each other apart before, and now are holding in a way which is drawing them together, with deep understanding, compassion for each other in flow, and mutual action, on the real emotional and spiritual level coming through to the physical - so that they mean it...this is the how of how the magic of encounter is happening...
People meet.
Couples meet.
And it's truly beautiful, to be in the presence of.
They have moved from coming "face to face" oppositionally, to coming face to face, with all of their differences, in warmth and love - without losing anything of their individual experiences - and gaining a connection - where I can see them looking at each other with gestures and the energy of affection and care - mutually, flowing between them, and with us, in the room.
This is how couples can "learn" to turn their confrontation - their face to face - from war to deep understanding and warm collaboration. They are fully themselves in their own experience and way of being. And go to something greater than themselves together. In a good way.
And that is something, we do together.
If this is an approach you might like to experience with each other, in events which have wounded you both, and where you feel misunderstood, and your confidence and trust in your partner meeting and seeing and "getting" you has been eroded, and vica-versa, we can arrange a conversation, or a series of conversations, to redo and rework hurtful events, and create, over time, and the practice of being in these ways, in an energy that holds all of us in the room, and with practice, can become a way of being.
Confrontation Training, to bring you face to face, in a different way.
If this is something you would like to explore, contact John, on 0795 412 9046, and I will be happy to hear from you.
