Meeting Each Other

When it comes to sex, every human being has a brake, and an accelerator. Our brakes are what puts on the brakes to our sexuality, emotional connection, and intimacy, and our accelerators are what pushes us towards sexually meeting our partner, emotional connection, and intimacy. This is metaphysical, on many levels. And when we meet, it's a bit like being in Rumi's "field," where two people encounter and meet one another energetically, physically, and spiritually, with their whole being.

In this therapy, we begin to work on the relationship, before going to the sexual issues.

Where we begin, is with the parts of us that come up, when we even think about hugging our partner or being intimate.

We can have parts that are really on for this, and parts that are guarded, and say, "Yes, but no further!" 

When we move forwards with having sexual intimacy with our partner, avoid sexual intimacy,  when all parts of us are not on board, this can be when our accelerator parts who have forward movement, and our brake parts, who are protecting our more vulnerable heartfelt parts, come into action together, at the same time. 

This can mean we are not fully present having sex, or there is little or no sex at all. For any of us who want a long-term lasting relationship, this is not sufficient, and can place the relationship in real danger for the future, and be very unfulfilling in our present life. 


Creating A Safe Space: Sensate Focus, Taking Off The Pressure, Placing A Temporary Pause On Sex, to Allow For True Connection First

To create a safe space, sensate focus, is a good way of squaring off a space, where sexual encounters are temporarily off the table, and allows both us and our partner, to really take a step back, and begin to attune to our own emotions, to where we are, what we really are available for, and what parts of us are not really available for, and to meet our partner, and them to meet us, almost at a beginning place, which is very gentle, very non-demanding, and non-inhibited (because sex is off the table, we are free to connect gently with our bodies, with our emotions, and with our partners'.)

Some people are not ready for sensate focus. Which is sensual touching without sexual touching. So it avoids the genitals, and includes every other area of the body, and can be done naked, or if parts are unwilling to begin there, with loose comfortable clothes on.

The point and purpose of this, is to completely take off any pressure, and to allow the high desire partner and the lower desire partner, to meet, being available and present to one another.

And if parts are activated, and do not want to do this, we as a threesome in therapy, want to meet them, without in any way getting past them, to discover what they are holding, and be with that, before going anywhere. 

Unburdening Your Past, Unburdening Your Relationship, Allowing You to Go Forwards: The Freedom To Truly Choose Good Encounters On Your Terms - What Real Wanting Is For You?

This gives the person who has these parts real agency and a chance to get into relationship with these parts, who are real people, and to find out and discover from them, what they are holding, if they are burdened with experiences before the relationship, or in the relationship, which are causing protective parts to come forwards, and look after them - so that they are acting like brakes against any kind of intimacy - emotion and/or sexual - and to really get to know them.

The work we can do with them, enables them to share their stories  and experiences, to re-do their experiences in the presence of the Person's Self-energy, and to unburden what they are holding, getting in touch with new resources and agency, which gives them new choices internally and externally, to create a new way of being internally, and allow for possible new experiences externally.

There is no other agenda. In fact, the agenda is actually to increase the person's choice, and possibilities, in an unburden way, for themselves, and in the relationship, with qualities of curiosity, honesty, compassion, creativity, and courage.

And out of this, for both people, a new kind of relating happens.

This can also allow space, then, for parts that do want to move forward in some way - for the person's own accelerators, to be released in themselves, and in the relationship.

Meeting At Last, Who Truly You Are

And this is a dual process. Where the purpose, if there could be said to be any purpose, would be inclined towards freedom. This frees parts who do want intimacy, emotionally with physical congruency of being, to ask for what they want, to receive more freely in attunement with their partners' giving and receiving energies, and to co-create a whole new way forwards together. 

This works because it frees up both person's brakes and enables them to get in touch with and enjoy and develop their own accelerators, so that a previously stuck and blocked relationship where there was no sensual or sexual and emotional intimacy can open up with each person's conscious intention and choice to move forwards and heal and unburden wounds and past experiences and create new present attuned experience together and really grow in connection in a completely non-demand pleasure focused and enjoyable mutually reciprocal way.

This is the outline of IFS Informed Sex and Intimacy Therapy. 

There is no agenda, no coercion, only a meeting and healing and empowering of our parts from the deepest Place within ourself, which has the ability to integrate all of our parts as individuals and meet our partners parts and the essence of who they are in quite a wonderous way.

Taking Your First Step
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If you and your partner are ready to evolve you emotional, spiritual, and sensual connection, as a basis of real connection for whatever relationship you choose to embody in attunement with yourself, and with each other, in a truly kind, compassionate, honest, and creative way, please feel free to Call John on 0795 412 9046, where we can meet you just where you are, ane empower You as an Individual and a Couple to create a way of being for yourself and each other that is truly kind.