Communication Which Transforms You, Your Relationship, and Your Lives
We Communicate all the time. But not necessarily in ways which transform us, our partner, and our lives. This is about learning communication, where we grow as human beings, we engage on a profound level with our partner, invite them to grow with us, and join in evolving together, as individuals, and as a team, in ways which make us feel seen and heard and understood, and profoundly bring our partner back to us with all of who they are, in ways that feel authentic, seen, heard, understood, and ultimately loved.
As you do this on a personal and relationship level together...you transform your relationship...to something better than ever before...
And as you keep practicing, you evolve, in ways you may never have imagined, for as long as you practice, and if you keep practicing, for the rest of your life.
Listening And Speaking
Carl Rogers said, "We listen with our whole being." Learning to really listen to someone, means that we listen with our whole being, our heart, our mind, our body, our energy, and our spirit.
And we learn to listen in the language our partner, or a part of our partner, is using.
As one of my clients' so enthusiastically says, "Feedback is gold! It helps me listen, and focus my energy, where my partner really needs me to be! I don't waste my energy! I can really do this! It's changed our relationship!...And he does it with me!"
Imago Dialogue
One of the most beautiful and profound contributions to individual and relational development has been created by Harville Hendricks and Helen LaKelly Hunt.
Their dialogue process, is aimed at individual and personal transformation.
In this, they cite, that according to neuroscience, even when we are trying to listen, without specific training, 87% of what our partner says, we miss. Imagine that! Missing 87% of what your partner is saying! That is huge.
And this is, partly, because, as they are speaking, we are playing our own movie in our own head, and thinking about what we want to say next. So we are not filled with curiosity and wonder to get to the core of not only what they are saying, but who they are. If we were to get who they really are as they are speaking, that getting who they are, means we are being deeply Present.
So Imago Dialogue, opens up bit by bit, and turns on, all of our neo-cortex, turns off our amygdala, and opens our heart, until we are at a state where we are truly curious and Present.
Our partner then feels see, understood, and felt, by us.
That is all.
Then we flip.
We talk about the exact same experience from our side. And they listen. In a way they perhaps have never done before.
The miracle about this, is that it makes both people experience empathy for a partner who is having a very different experience about the exact same event.
And when we are there, feeling empathy for someone who is different, and maybe has an oppositing experience, and they are doing the same thing, then we can build bridges, then we can stretch ourselves, in deeper understanding, to give a little more of what they want...and both people giving each other a little more of what they want in this situation...moves a couple from a confrontational position...to a collaborative position...
And that is the end of conflict. The beginning of understanding. And Differentiation.
Instead of Clashing, you can become two separate people who deeply understand each others' differences, feel completely heard, and in a sense validated (though the other person does not have a be the same as you), and grounded enough in being seen heard and understood and appreciated yourself...with your partner willing to give what they can to you, to meet your needs, in the specific way you need...that you can turn conflict around, into profound friendship and love...
Some steps in the Process of Imago Dialogue...
So in Imago Dialogue, the invitation for us, when we are listening, is to temporarily put aside our own movie, and open ourselves up, to what our partner is really saying.
Using Imago Dialogue, we can do this in this simple 5 step process:
1) We Mirror Back to them what we have heard, either word for word, or paraphrasing what they have said. Then after we have mirrored back, we ask, "Am I getting this?" or, "Am I missing anything?"
This means, we are really paying attention to them. We don't want them to finish what they are saying, to get them out of the way, so we can begin speaking. We are really practicing being present with our partner.
And in some relationships, this can be a whole new kind of experience for our partner - and for us!
Then in stage 2, We Validate their way of thinking. Everyone makes sense to themselves. We do not in any way have to agree with them. But we do want to let them know, that their logic, makes sense to us.
This means, as a listener, we are effectively turning on another part of our brain, and beginning to tune in, even more deeply to our partner. We are switching ourselves on to our partner.
And in this stage, we can use sentence stems, like, "That makes sense to me, because..."
In stage 3, we Empathise with their feelings. With how the specific experience they are speaking about feels for them. We open up our heart. We can ask, softly, "How does that feel for you?" or, "I imagine that may feel (name the feeling)," and ask, "Am I getting that? Or is it different?"
And listen.
And then we can ask, "Is there more?"
And the question, "Is there more?" can be pretty astounding to our partner, in its effects, and as a question, coming from our being present to our partner.
This really conveys to our partner, we are deeply listening.
And when our partner has said all they want to say, in Stage 4, We Summarise.
We can begin by saying, "So, may I check in, to see if I am getting all of this?" And we repeat, to the best of our ability, all of what we have heard them say, in Stage 1 in our mirroring back to them, and we summarise Stage 2 - How much sense their logic makes to us, and we summarise Stage 3 - How the experience felt for them, and then we check in again in our Summary, asking If we have got everything?
When our partner has finished speaking, about a specific experience, and they can say, "No, you've got it. That's everything!" we thank them, sincerely, for sharing.
And then, in this next phase of the Imago Dialogue process, it is Our turn, to speak about the exact same experience, in our way, and for our partner to listen to Us.
This reciprocal part of the process is essential to provide balance and reciprocity and brings about a mutuality to our relationship lives.
And this reciprocal process does a remarkable thing. In brain scans of Couples who complete the circular nature of the Imago Dialogue, scans show their brainwaves synchronise.
That is, despite having completely different experiences, in the same situation, they feel completely heard by each other. And the depths of their connection, increases vastly.
In Imago Dialogue, the term used is "Connecting Beyond Our Differences."
In Gestalt therapy, this is Encountering each other.
Which is a beautiful experience. The poet Rumi, captures this experience in his poem, The Field, when he writes, "Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field. I'll meet You there."
Bringing Change to our Relationship
And this is not all! Sometimes, we want things to change, practically.
So here, we will add a Fifth Stage, which is A Behavioural Change Request.
In this part of the process, Partners have the opportunity to convert their frustrations into wishes, and to voice those wishes in practical things their partner can do, which would meet their deepest needs - and it gives their partner the Opportunity to employ the Stretching Principle.
This means our partner is invited to go beyond their comfort zone, and stretch themselves, showing their care for us, in the exact way we, or a part of us, needs to be cared for.
In the words of Harville Hendricks, "focusing less on the 'I' and more on the 'You.' It is not negotiation but transformational for both people."
This part of the process, helps couples convert frustrations into wishes, and convert wishes into behaviours, and transform the relationship, themselves, and their ways of being with each other - which brings to life the couple's hopes, as each person's visions of things wished for, are made real, and co-created, willingly, out of generosity, and attunement to each other. This is the expression of profound authenticity for oneself, and generosity for the other, at the same time. I call this Love.
The practice of embodying this process, may be why, I hope, 348 couples out of 352 over a three year period, succeeded in changing their relationship, and coming into a more loving relationship with each other.
This whole process, offers each of you an Opportunity...
If you and you partner want to grow through transformational communication, Contact me on (UK) 044 795 412 9046, or (Ireland) 00353 89 487 5223, and I look forward to speaking with you!
As you do this on a personal and relationship level together...you transform your relationship...to something better than ever before...
And as you keep practicing, you evolve, in ways you may never have imagined, for as long as you practice, and if you keep practicing, for the rest of your life.
Listening And Speaking
Carl Rogers said, "We listen with our whole being." Learning to really listen to someone, means that we listen with our whole being, our heart, our mind, our body, our energy, and our spirit.
And we learn to listen in the language our partner, or a part of our partner, is using.
As one of my clients' so enthusiastically says, "Feedback is gold! It helps me listen, and focus my energy, where my partner really needs me to be! I don't waste my energy! I can really do this! It's changed our relationship!...And he does it with me!"
Imago Dialogue
One of the most beautiful and profound contributions to individual and relational development has been created by Harville Hendricks and Helen LaKelly Hunt.
Their dialogue process, is aimed at individual and personal transformation.
In this, they cite, that according to neuroscience, even when we are trying to listen, without specific training, 87% of what our partner says, we miss. Imagine that! Missing 87% of what your partner is saying! That is huge.
And this is, partly, because, as they are speaking, we are playing our own movie in our own head, and thinking about what we want to say next. So we are not filled with curiosity and wonder to get to the core of not only what they are saying, but who they are. If we were to get who they really are as they are speaking, that getting who they are, means we are being deeply Present.
So Imago Dialogue, opens up bit by bit, and turns on, all of our neo-cortex, turns off our amygdala, and opens our heart, until we are at a state where we are truly curious and Present.
Our partner then feels see, understood, and felt, by us.
That is all.
Then we flip.
We talk about the exact same experience from our side. And they listen. In a way they perhaps have never done before.
The miracle about this, is that it makes both people experience empathy for a partner who is having a very different experience about the exact same event.
And when we are there, feeling empathy for someone who is different, and maybe has an oppositing experience, and they are doing the same thing, then we can build bridges, then we can stretch ourselves, in deeper understanding, to give a little more of what they want...and both people giving each other a little more of what they want in this situation...moves a couple from a confrontational position...to a collaborative position...
And that is the end of conflict. The beginning of understanding. And Differentiation.
Instead of Clashing, you can become two separate people who deeply understand each others' differences, feel completely heard, and in a sense validated (though the other person does not have a be the same as you), and grounded enough in being seen heard and understood and appreciated yourself...with your partner willing to give what they can to you, to meet your needs, in the specific way you need...that you can turn conflict around, into profound friendship and love...
Some steps in the Process of Imago Dialogue...
So in Imago Dialogue, the invitation for us, when we are listening, is to temporarily put aside our own movie, and open ourselves up, to what our partner is really saying.
Using Imago Dialogue, we can do this in this simple 5 step process:
1) We Mirror Back to them what we have heard, either word for word, or paraphrasing what they have said. Then after we have mirrored back, we ask, "Am I getting this?" or, "Am I missing anything?"
This means, we are really paying attention to them. We don't want them to finish what they are saying, to get them out of the way, so we can begin speaking. We are really practicing being present with our partner.
And in some relationships, this can be a whole new kind of experience for our partner - and for us!
Then in stage 2, We Validate their way of thinking. Everyone makes sense to themselves. We do not in any way have to agree with them. But we do want to let them know, that their logic, makes sense to us.
This means, as a listener, we are effectively turning on another part of our brain, and beginning to tune in, even more deeply to our partner. We are switching ourselves on to our partner.
And in this stage, we can use sentence stems, like, "That makes sense to me, because..."
In stage 3, we Empathise with their feelings. With how the specific experience they are speaking about feels for them. We open up our heart. We can ask, softly, "How does that feel for you?" or, "I imagine that may feel (name the feeling)," and ask, "Am I getting that? Or is it different?"
And listen.
And then we can ask, "Is there more?"
And the question, "Is there more?" can be pretty astounding to our partner, in its effects, and as a question, coming from our being present to our partner.
This really conveys to our partner, we are deeply listening.
And when our partner has said all they want to say, in Stage 4, We Summarise.
We can begin by saying, "So, may I check in, to see if I am getting all of this?" And we repeat, to the best of our ability, all of what we have heard them say, in Stage 1 in our mirroring back to them, and we summarise Stage 2 - How much sense their logic makes to us, and we summarise Stage 3 - How the experience felt for them, and then we check in again in our Summary, asking If we have got everything?
When our partner has finished speaking, about a specific experience, and they can say, "No, you've got it. That's everything!" we thank them, sincerely, for sharing.
And then, in this next phase of the Imago Dialogue process, it is Our turn, to speak about the exact same experience, in our way, and for our partner to listen to Us.
This reciprocal part of the process is essential to provide balance and reciprocity and brings about a mutuality to our relationship lives.
And this reciprocal process does a remarkable thing. In brain scans of Couples who complete the circular nature of the Imago Dialogue, scans show their brainwaves synchronise.
That is, despite having completely different experiences, in the same situation, they feel completely heard by each other. And the depths of their connection, increases vastly.
In Imago Dialogue, the term used is "Connecting Beyond Our Differences."
In Gestalt therapy, this is Encountering each other.
Which is a beautiful experience. The poet Rumi, captures this experience in his poem, The Field, when he writes, "Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field. I'll meet You there."
Bringing Change to our Relationship
And this is not all! Sometimes, we want things to change, practically.
So here, we will add a Fifth Stage, which is A Behavioural Change Request.
In this part of the process, Partners have the opportunity to convert their frustrations into wishes, and to voice those wishes in practical things their partner can do, which would meet their deepest needs - and it gives their partner the Opportunity to employ the Stretching Principle.
This means our partner is invited to go beyond their comfort zone, and stretch themselves, showing their care for us, in the exact way we, or a part of us, needs to be cared for.
In the words of Harville Hendricks, "focusing less on the 'I' and more on the 'You.' It is not negotiation but transformational for both people."
This part of the process, helps couples convert frustrations into wishes, and convert wishes into behaviours, and transform the relationship, themselves, and their ways of being with each other - which brings to life the couple's hopes, as each person's visions of things wished for, are made real, and co-created, willingly, out of generosity, and attunement to each other. This is the expression of profound authenticity for oneself, and generosity for the other, at the same time. I call this Love.
The practice of embodying this process, may be why, I hope, 348 couples out of 352 over a three year period, succeeded in changing their relationship, and coming into a more loving relationship with each other.
This whole process, offers each of you an Opportunity...
If you and you partner want to grow through transformational communication, Contact me on (UK) 044 795 412 9046, or (Ireland) 00353 89 487 5223, and I look forward to speaking with you!
