Become Who You Are Born To Be As Individuals
Creating A Meeting Place
Co-Creating the Love You Want
The Tremendous Opportunity: Getting Beyond Being Stuck
I really love when couples are stuck and come to therapy, because it means they know they need something outside of themselves to help them get unstuck and reach new levels of differentiation in seeing things more clearly and a way forward, seeing each other as truly they are - without distorting stories, and expressing themselves more authentically, and, in turn, meeting their partner more as they really are...which are all aspects of really creating deeper levels of differentiation, freedom, connectedness, communication, and coming into being of themselves within a new energetic field of meeting, expanding the landscape of their heart and relationship...
Couples go from being stuck, to new levels of being in self-actualisation, to meeting each other, upon a new and expanded relational landscape of the heart.
In my own therapy, when parts of me had been stuck for decades in a limiting structured pattern, I came to my therapist and said, "I am going round in circles. And I need something outside of myself, outside of this pattern, and the way parts are with each other, to help me shift. I'm stuck. And I need something bigger than where I am now to help me out of it."
I said this because I knew intellectually that trying to solve a problem within the problem perpetuates the problem. Or as Einstein famously said, "We cannot solve problems with the same thinking we used to create them." And, "The definition of madness is doing the same thing, and expecting different results."
So I sat there in front of my therapist, and waited for whatever would come?
What came back as a bit scattergun, in how it landed with me, but in the scattergun of comments there was some gold.
There was a part of me, he said, actually if I repeat what he said it is so inaccurate as to be unhelpful, but the essence of his comments that there was a part in me keeping me stuck and orchestrating things, was really vital and attuned.
There was a part that came in at really specific moments, that said to my parts, when they wanted to continue their burdened roles, "You can do this, you can keep going with this," and was a friend of the burdened parts. And when I got, finally, the moment this part was coming in - and could separate from it, in Self-energy, it was a revelation.
And when this part unblended from me and stepped back, my whole system, and the parts it was befriending their burdened ways of being in this part's relationship with them, when this part stepped back, and had more freedom and relationship with Me in Self, and then those aspects of my life began to radically change.
And are changing still, in each relationship with every part it was "looking after a little" and to the extent looking after, keeping those parts where they were and a little bit, or a lot, burdened, depending on the relative parts, and that had an impact on how much Self-energy was available to those parts to be seen, witnessed, accompanied, befriended by Self in Presence, and come into being, the way they were born to be.
All of this, began to become possible, when this Orchestrating Helpful Beautiful Part stepped back and entered into relationship with Me in Self-energy.
So my whole system began to change.
And with my partner, who was avoiding some issues, I also realised we'd have these beautiful meaningful conversations, and no change. Repeatedly. For 11 years. And I discovered there was a Part in me, going along with her resistant, avoidant, placating, pleasing, and even genuine parts in the constellation in her, a Part in me, which was keeping things the same.
When I unblended from the Part in me which was going along with all of this, and the lack of movement afterwards, I could finally stand up for my parts with a much more forward, forthright, honest Self-energy, and speak for my parts, as things continued not to be okay, and things kept reverting back - that this was not okay for my parts in my system...and then and only then, things began to really shift in the relationship and get unstuck.
The change in me evoked and corresponded to changes happening inside of my partner, and with me and my partner.. And that good movement is still happening.
This has manifest in virtually every person and couple I work with, in their system, and with their parts, producing far greater freedom, and the greater flow of life-energy of Self.
So, with a great curiosity, and forward Self-energy, I have come to love working with people and couples who are stuck.
And working with couples and individuals who are stuck and helping them find how they are doing it and the space beyond and Self-energy they release and becomes newly available, when parts unblend and step back...is wonderful.
They literally transform themselves and their relationship, according to their own vital design of higher self and soul, manifesting heaven energetically on earth, upon the expanded landscape of their hearts', in how they live.
And this flows outwards to everybody they meet and encounter in some way; strangers, colleagues, children, parents, friends, acquaintances, energetically to people they have never physically met on social media, here on this page in this sentence.
Where we begin as individuals, sometimes
What happened in my system, was when I experienced deep hurt and trauma at 16, when there is a very deep hurt in the system, then many protective parts may align and form protective relationships around that, so that the unburdening and releasing of hurt experience need to be with the part of us that has been hurt, and needs to be a systematic unburdening with all of these parts joined in a protective circle of relationships around the extremely hurt part(s).
And as this happens, not just the very hurt part, but also the protective parts around it, go through a process of unburdening, transformation, and self-actualisation, within the system, in relationship with our Self, (sometimes called Our Core, Our Spirit, Our Self Essence, Our Self In Presence), and begin to work and function much more as a team, with the amazing resource of our Self who is not wounded and possesses an inner wisdom and life-energy, from here, we can heal our own parts, and help them become who they are born to be...
And this has massive implications for our relationships, also.
When this process happens inside of your partner as an individual, and between you, in your relationship, the result is extraordinary.
I literally see love and laugher, deeper exploring and understanding, huge compassion, and emergent living wisdom - like a tree. from which the fruits of each person's creation and creativity, breathes and lives organically and spiritually, in the energetic field between us in therapy, and in blossoming into their lives in their reports and all they bring back from week to week, until they embody the changes as a way of being, for themselves and with each other...
And some couples just keep growing.
And all of this, is really beautiful to me.
So I would love to get the chance and have the opportunity to work with you, if you and your partner are stuck.
This doesn't mean we will be able to. We need to have an initial meeting to see if we are a good match as real people, as individuals, and as a group together.
Please feel free to give me a call, on 0795 412 9046, or email me, and we can have or arrange a free initial chat for 20 minutes, if that would be helpful, and go from there, in whatever way is truly kind for you and your partner.
As an Individual, You have a place inside of You, which is whole, resourceful, not wounded nor burdened, with qualities of Compassion, Curiosity, and Courage.
In Self-In-Presence, You are an inner well-spring which is not a part, but a gateway to Source, to Spirit and to God.
People use different words and language for this. Some call it our Higher Self, some call it our Soul.
In IFS this is Your Self. Your Essence. Your Core. And every single human being is created this way. Each with their own unique essence and different flavour of being.
From here, from your Self, You can in relationship with every part of you, heal your wounded, burdened, limited, traumatised parts, such as your inner child, your inner teen, your inner baby, your inner foetus, your inner critic, your protective parts, your managing parts, and release them from the experiential burdens and limiting beliefs they are carrying, and help every part of you become who they are born to be, as a system, as a family.
This is your coming into being as an individual. And it is very beautiful. It is perhaps the main quest and purpose of living. Of our being alive on earth. It is the way we manifest our gifts. And contribute to the world.
But this is not enough.
The truth is, you can have all the unburdening in the world, and it won't teach you how to come into relationship. For that, we need more.
So it is with this special therapy, we learn how to come into being as individuals', and come into being as a couple, together.
And come into being with our fellow man and women.
Co-Creating The Love You Want
To Co-Create the Love You Want, you need to go on a journey which is both individual and relational.
It is a bigger mindset than becoming an individual. It is systematic. If you do something that is good for your partner, it's good for the relationship, and therefore good for you.
If you know you love your partner, and they don't receive your love, your love doesn't land; you don't love them in the ways that they need to be and feel loved.
Being partnered means loving each other in the ways that you both need to feel loved - and for this to become a bridge between you.
Otherwise, you are either living, or on the course to living with deep frustrations, not being able to express your love to its fulfilment, not feeling loved, and living unhappily, and heading towards separation, or divorce.
And even if you stay together, you will not be experiencing the union of being and feeling partnered.
So it is, this special therapy gives you a way to change all of that, and offers a way for you to come into being as individuals and as a couple, at the same time.
As Rumi mentioned, it is miraculously an energetic field of meeting, where two people come into being together.
Undoing The Blocks You Have In Your Relationship, Healing Hurt, and Beginning from a Place of Love
The blocks you have and keep you stuck in your relationship can not be solved with the same ways, skills and techniques with which you have created them. That keeps you in the same frame. To really move, to really shift, you both need something bigger. You need a psychic energetic space which can hold you coming into being, and hold your relationship coming into being.
If madness is doing the same thing and expecting different results, this is stepping back, finding the bigger picture, going to the heart of the problems, and helping you unlearn your way back developmentally through your parts' journeys, their experiences, their traumas, their hurts, their mis-perceptions, and burdens...which Mark Nepo has described in a poem as "unlearning our way back to God."
As individuals, each of you will learn how to be with all of your wounded and protecting parts, from relationship with your Self, and your parts will re-learn from the ideal parent of your Self, how to come into being in the way they were truly born to be.
As a Couple, you will literally learn how to heal old hurts, how to repair minor day to day hurts, change daily patterns, become better people and lovers.
And as this space holds both of you and is relational, through this individual process for both of you, and the new deeper understanding you gain of yourselves and each other in each other's presence...you will be invited to learn, discover, create and practice experientially, new kinder more effective ways of relating.
Here in therapy, you will have new experiences, where you recreate your relationship with your own parts, and with each other, in more skilful, effective, authentic, closer to your core of who you are, beautiful ways.
You will have the opportunity to be and feel really heard and seen.
And meet each other. In ways that evoke the very best from each other.
Becoming a team
You are very very different people. Who share many things, which hold you together. My experience with many many couples as they go through this special therapy is that they work with their differences in far deeper more skilful and loving ways. than they ever could have imagined when they first walked into my office.
You can bloom from out of the well-spring within each of you, to create a freer, more loving, more skilful, and more good willing relationship field, where more of your fruits come alive - your blessings of memories and moments and ways of being which make you feel alive, connected, able to repair and re-attune when you make a mistake, and become stronger as people and as a couple every time you do, with your focus on what is truly valuable and important to your heart as a person and together as a couple.
You will repair your relationship. Learn daily relationship skills. And enjoy your lives and being on the planet more.
About me
I have spent over 40 years learning from Frieda Fromm-Reichmann, Rollo May, and Harry Stack Sullivan, John Gottman, Terry Real, Toni Herbine-Blank, and sex therapy with Martha Kauppi, Barry and Emily McCarthy, where I have learned to incorporate everything from Primal Therapy, Counselling, Relationship Counselling, and Coaching, upon my personal experience as a human being and as a therapist upon the vast field of IFS Therapy, to accompany individuals coming into being from before birth to becoming spirit, and couples coming into being with each other from their deepest foundations and learning exquisite and masterful skills to materialise and manifest the best of each of them in their co-creation.
Many of the things you may learn will be me also learning from you too, in a a co-creation between us, in ways very unique to you and your partner, which blesses your lives, and blesses me being with you, in our own unique meetings together.
This is part of the beautiful relational field which is my life and why I do this work, and love individuals and couples coming into being.
First Steps Of Beginning IFS Couples' Therapy
The first steps in beginning this therapy is to arrange an initial consultation, and do some real work in our initial session, to see if we are a good match.
If we can work together, my experience with 99.9% of couples is that the potential you sense was possible for change, which may have been beyond you for some time, or many years, can come into being.
If we are a good match, we will make a plan, and agree meeting on a regular basis, so that the energy you have for change is embodied into your lives.
This means that the continual sparks of new experiences and neurological connections you spontaneously make in therapy through this guided process of understandable skills, grounded on neuroscience and thousands of couples experiences, will become new ways of being, which as you implement and practice these new insightful skills and create even more positive and rewarding experiences alongside therapy in your daily lives, like many many couples I have worked with, you will be far more empowered than you have ever been, in experiencing creating the love you want.
If you would like to, please call John on 0795 412 9046, to arrange an initial chat, or a consultation.
I really love when couples are stuck and come to therapy, because it means they know they need something outside of themselves to help them get unstuck and reach new levels of differentiation in seeing things more clearly and a way forward, seeing each other as truly they are - without distorting stories, and expressing themselves more authentically, and, in turn, meeting their partner more as they really are...which are all aspects of really creating deeper levels of differentiation, freedom, connectedness, communication, and coming into being of themselves within a new energetic field of meeting, expanding the landscape of their heart and relationship...
Couples go from being stuck, to new levels of being in self-actualisation, to meeting each other, upon a new and expanded relational landscape of the heart.
In my own therapy, when parts of me had been stuck for decades in a limiting structured pattern, I came to my therapist and said, "I am going round in circles. And I need something outside of myself, outside of this pattern, and the way parts are with each other, to help me shift. I'm stuck. And I need something bigger than where I am now to help me out of it."
I said this because I knew intellectually that trying to solve a problem within the problem perpetuates the problem. Or as Einstein famously said, "We cannot solve problems with the same thinking we used to create them." And, "The definition of madness is doing the same thing, and expecting different results."
So I sat there in front of my therapist, and waited for whatever would come?
What came back as a bit scattergun, in how it landed with me, but in the scattergun of comments there was some gold.
There was a part of me, he said, actually if I repeat what he said it is so inaccurate as to be unhelpful, but the essence of his comments that there was a part in me keeping me stuck and orchestrating things, was really vital and attuned.
There was a part that came in at really specific moments, that said to my parts, when they wanted to continue their burdened roles, "You can do this, you can keep going with this," and was a friend of the burdened parts. And when I got, finally, the moment this part was coming in - and could separate from it, in Self-energy, it was a revelation.
And when this part unblended from me and stepped back, my whole system, and the parts it was befriending their burdened ways of being in this part's relationship with them, when this part stepped back, and had more freedom and relationship with Me in Self, and then those aspects of my life began to radically change.
And are changing still, in each relationship with every part it was "looking after a little" and to the extent looking after, keeping those parts where they were and a little bit, or a lot, burdened, depending on the relative parts, and that had an impact on how much Self-energy was available to those parts to be seen, witnessed, accompanied, befriended by Self in Presence, and come into being, the way they were born to be.
All of this, began to become possible, when this Orchestrating Helpful Beautiful Part stepped back and entered into relationship with Me in Self-energy.
So my whole system began to change.
And with my partner, who was avoiding some issues, I also realised we'd have these beautiful meaningful conversations, and no change. Repeatedly. For 11 years. And I discovered there was a Part in me, going along with her resistant, avoidant, placating, pleasing, and even genuine parts in the constellation in her, a Part in me, which was keeping things the same.
When I unblended from the Part in me which was going along with all of this, and the lack of movement afterwards, I could finally stand up for my parts with a much more forward, forthright, honest Self-energy, and speak for my parts, as things continued not to be okay, and things kept reverting back - that this was not okay for my parts in my system...and then and only then, things began to really shift in the relationship and get unstuck.
The change in me evoked and corresponded to changes happening inside of my partner, and with me and my partner.. And that good movement is still happening.
This has manifest in virtually every person and couple I work with, in their system, and with their parts, producing far greater freedom, and the greater flow of life-energy of Self.
So, with a great curiosity, and forward Self-energy, I have come to love working with people and couples who are stuck.
And working with couples and individuals who are stuck and helping them find how they are doing it and the space beyond and Self-energy they release and becomes newly available, when parts unblend and step back...is wonderful.
They literally transform themselves and their relationship, according to their own vital design of higher self and soul, manifesting heaven energetically on earth, upon the expanded landscape of their hearts', in how they live.
And this flows outwards to everybody they meet and encounter in some way; strangers, colleagues, children, parents, friends, acquaintances, energetically to people they have never physically met on social media, here on this page in this sentence.
Where we begin as individuals, sometimes
What happened in my system, was when I experienced deep hurt and trauma at 16, when there is a very deep hurt in the system, then many protective parts may align and form protective relationships around that, so that the unburdening and releasing of hurt experience need to be with the part of us that has been hurt, and needs to be a systematic unburdening with all of these parts joined in a protective circle of relationships around the extremely hurt part(s).
And as this happens, not just the very hurt part, but also the protective parts around it, go through a process of unburdening, transformation, and self-actualisation, within the system, in relationship with our Self, (sometimes called Our Core, Our Spirit, Our Self Essence, Our Self In Presence), and begin to work and function much more as a team, with the amazing resource of our Self who is not wounded and possesses an inner wisdom and life-energy, from here, we can heal our own parts, and help them become who they are born to be...
And this has massive implications for our relationships, also.
When this process happens inside of your partner as an individual, and between you, in your relationship, the result is extraordinary.
I literally see love and laugher, deeper exploring and understanding, huge compassion, and emergent living wisdom - like a tree. from which the fruits of each person's creation and creativity, breathes and lives organically and spiritually, in the energetic field between us in therapy, and in blossoming into their lives in their reports and all they bring back from week to week, until they embody the changes as a way of being, for themselves and with each other...
And some couples just keep growing.
And all of this, is really beautiful to me.
So I would love to get the chance and have the opportunity to work with you, if you and your partner are stuck.
This doesn't mean we will be able to. We need to have an initial meeting to see if we are a good match as real people, as individuals, and as a group together.
Please feel free to give me a call, on 0795 412 9046, or email me, and we can have or arrange a free initial chat for 20 minutes, if that would be helpful, and go from there, in whatever way is truly kind for you and your partner.
As an Individual, You have a place inside of You, which is whole, resourceful, not wounded nor burdened, with qualities of Compassion, Curiosity, and Courage.
In Self-In-Presence, You are an inner well-spring which is not a part, but a gateway to Source, to Spirit and to God.
People use different words and language for this. Some call it our Higher Self, some call it our Soul.
In IFS this is Your Self. Your Essence. Your Core. And every single human being is created this way. Each with their own unique essence and different flavour of being.
From here, from your Self, You can in relationship with every part of you, heal your wounded, burdened, limited, traumatised parts, such as your inner child, your inner teen, your inner baby, your inner foetus, your inner critic, your protective parts, your managing parts, and release them from the experiential burdens and limiting beliefs they are carrying, and help every part of you become who they are born to be, as a system, as a family.
This is your coming into being as an individual. And it is very beautiful. It is perhaps the main quest and purpose of living. Of our being alive on earth. It is the way we manifest our gifts. And contribute to the world.
But this is not enough.
The truth is, you can have all the unburdening in the world, and it won't teach you how to come into relationship. For that, we need more.
So it is with this special therapy, we learn how to come into being as individuals', and come into being as a couple, together.
And come into being with our fellow man and women.
Co-Creating The Love You Want
To Co-Create the Love You Want, you need to go on a journey which is both individual and relational.
It is a bigger mindset than becoming an individual. It is systematic. If you do something that is good for your partner, it's good for the relationship, and therefore good for you.
If you know you love your partner, and they don't receive your love, your love doesn't land; you don't love them in the ways that they need to be and feel loved.
Being partnered means loving each other in the ways that you both need to feel loved - and for this to become a bridge between you.
Otherwise, you are either living, or on the course to living with deep frustrations, not being able to express your love to its fulfilment, not feeling loved, and living unhappily, and heading towards separation, or divorce.
And even if you stay together, you will not be experiencing the union of being and feeling partnered.
So it is, this special therapy gives you a way to change all of that, and offers a way for you to come into being as individuals and as a couple, at the same time.
As Rumi mentioned, it is miraculously an energetic field of meeting, where two people come into being together.
Undoing The Blocks You Have In Your Relationship, Healing Hurt, and Beginning from a Place of Love
The blocks you have and keep you stuck in your relationship can not be solved with the same ways, skills and techniques with which you have created them. That keeps you in the same frame. To really move, to really shift, you both need something bigger. You need a psychic energetic space which can hold you coming into being, and hold your relationship coming into being.
If madness is doing the same thing and expecting different results, this is stepping back, finding the bigger picture, going to the heart of the problems, and helping you unlearn your way back developmentally through your parts' journeys, their experiences, their traumas, their hurts, their mis-perceptions, and burdens...which Mark Nepo has described in a poem as "unlearning our way back to God."
As individuals, each of you will learn how to be with all of your wounded and protecting parts, from relationship with your Self, and your parts will re-learn from the ideal parent of your Self, how to come into being in the way they were truly born to be.
As a Couple, you will literally learn how to heal old hurts, how to repair minor day to day hurts, change daily patterns, become better people and lovers.
And as this space holds both of you and is relational, through this individual process for both of you, and the new deeper understanding you gain of yourselves and each other in each other's presence...you will be invited to learn, discover, create and practice experientially, new kinder more effective ways of relating.
Here in therapy, you will have new experiences, where you recreate your relationship with your own parts, and with each other, in more skilful, effective, authentic, closer to your core of who you are, beautiful ways.
You will have the opportunity to be and feel really heard and seen.
And meet each other. In ways that evoke the very best from each other.
Becoming a team
You are very very different people. Who share many things, which hold you together. My experience with many many couples as they go through this special therapy is that they work with their differences in far deeper more skilful and loving ways. than they ever could have imagined when they first walked into my office.
You can bloom from out of the well-spring within each of you, to create a freer, more loving, more skilful, and more good willing relationship field, where more of your fruits come alive - your blessings of memories and moments and ways of being which make you feel alive, connected, able to repair and re-attune when you make a mistake, and become stronger as people and as a couple every time you do, with your focus on what is truly valuable and important to your heart as a person and together as a couple.
You will repair your relationship. Learn daily relationship skills. And enjoy your lives and being on the planet more.
About me
I have spent over 40 years learning from Frieda Fromm-Reichmann, Rollo May, and Harry Stack Sullivan, John Gottman, Terry Real, Toni Herbine-Blank, and sex therapy with Martha Kauppi, Barry and Emily McCarthy, where I have learned to incorporate everything from Primal Therapy, Counselling, Relationship Counselling, and Coaching, upon my personal experience as a human being and as a therapist upon the vast field of IFS Therapy, to accompany individuals coming into being from before birth to becoming spirit, and couples coming into being with each other from their deepest foundations and learning exquisite and masterful skills to materialise and manifest the best of each of them in their co-creation.
Many of the things you may learn will be me also learning from you too, in a a co-creation between us, in ways very unique to you and your partner, which blesses your lives, and blesses me being with you, in our own unique meetings together.
This is part of the beautiful relational field which is my life and why I do this work, and love individuals and couples coming into being.
First Steps Of Beginning IFS Couples' Therapy
The first steps in beginning this therapy is to arrange an initial consultation, and do some real work in our initial session, to see if we are a good match.
If we can work together, my experience with 99.9% of couples is that the potential you sense was possible for change, which may have been beyond you for some time, or many years, can come into being.
If we are a good match, we will make a plan, and agree meeting on a regular basis, so that the energy you have for change is embodied into your lives.
This means that the continual sparks of new experiences and neurological connections you spontaneously make in therapy through this guided process of understandable skills, grounded on neuroscience and thousands of couples experiences, will become new ways of being, which as you implement and practice these new insightful skills and create even more positive and rewarding experiences alongside therapy in your daily lives, like many many couples I have worked with, you will be far more empowered than you have ever been, in experiencing creating the love you want.
If you would like to, please call John on 0795 412 9046, to arrange an initial chat, or a consultation.
