It may seem obvious, but sometimes people act and behave as if they will get what they want by being negative, judgmental, cruel, punishing, or isolating.
This is especially true for people who may have had negative, judgmental, punishing, or isolating parents, partners, friends and lovers.
As parents, the more we tell a child, "Don't do this, don't do that, especially don't put your feet up here, don't go down that path," the more "don'ts' " we say - without giving a positive outcome, the more confused a child will get. This means the child won't know what to do, how to behave, nor what action to take.
Yet as soon as a positive outcome is described - the child knows then right where to go and usually goes for it.
It is the same with all relationships and with adult relationships especially. It is vital to have a positive outcome, behind everything. And I do mean everything.
When asked about what couples want in this way, from saying what they don't want or don't like, couples have to move to what they do like and what they do want. And until they can state their goals positively, no forward movement can happen.
But when they do, then things become not only so much easier, but clearer, with more direction, more energy behind them, and move forwards much much more quickly.
Arguments too can be negative or positive. Indeed, some arguments are masterclasses in destroying the other person and destroying the relationship. What we teach at the Heart of Relationships is to have a positive outcome in mind at the very start of your argument. Then you can argue in a very different way.
You might like to try this for yourself. Of course, this won't stop other people arguing negatively. They might simply act like they want to be right, win the argument, and do whatever it takes to do that - however much it costs. People like this can start arguing about something small and in seconds bring the argument to a dimension which will destroy the relationship, the other person, and the future, taking "evidence" to support a negative outcome in the present and for the future, from having a bad judgmental attitude about their partner and the past.
Frequently the self-consciousness that they actually are being judgmental and negative about their partner, the past, the present, the future, and this situation, is completely missing in a haze of blaming, and likewise any attempted communication - however innocent, positive, or clear - is also taken in the same way and seen as criticism.
They effective pace failure from the past into the future.
And until the person changes and comes out of state, they are virtually impossible to work with. They need to be their own drivers. The need and wish for change can only come from them.
Listening is not an option when the other person is blaming and hears everything you are saying as blaming them. This not only limits the conversation it effectively blocks any way forwards, permanently or temporarily.
What is going on is likely to be not only they are not hearing you but repeating a primal pattern from their childhood or when they were younger from a major carer in their lives where they really were criticized, blamed and punished. This is especially true for those who have had negative, critical, isolating mothers or fathers when they were young.
Despite being a pattern originating from childhood, often the person's adult mind has rationalizations why they are being cruel, blaming, and punishing and supports this pattern.
The negative pattern may be limited to certain areas, or can play a much bigger role in the personality constellation and the person's life - and consequently their partners'.
Or both people can have this pattern of negativity, blame, and punishment, without a positive outcome in arguments.
And this is life destroying. Literally. Not only is it life-destroying, it is literally a waste of precious time people could be building up their lives, working together, being more intimate, having more fun, building up themselves and the other person.
Quite simply, it is not only unenlightened, it is foolish to spend hours or days or weeks on maneuvers which isolate oneself from one's most intimate partner - and destroying the relationship, the other person - and it is wasting their time too. And squandering the present and what the present can be.
The sensible thing is to learn from the past, live in the present constructively, and build a really good future together.
A major shift we encourage and celebrate at the Heart of Relationships is when the person's adult mind begins to be aware and wants to change negativity and uses their intelligence in a new way. So that instead of supporting a negative pattern, their adult self throws all its resources, intelligence and wisdom to creating a new positive pattern and way of being, for a more integrated, whole, creative and playful pattern, which they - and consequently their partners and most intimate relationships - can grow out of.
Simple as this sounds, I know many many people including therapists who don't live their relationships by this simple piece of information.
But in this way, people who come to the Heart of Relationships are more advanced than anyone who has a negative outcome as their priority for relationships, arguments, and living - because they want a positive outcome and are aware of and working on themselves to achieve this now.
This is why working with couples who are aware is such a pleasure - from this awareness and from wanting something different miraculous things are possible.
If you are reading this, there is a good chance you are already ahead of the game and have this attitude, and that is a place where real movement can happen.
At the Heart of Relationships we are here to support you build this attitude and share with you the skills, tools and experiences you can have which can change your life and relationship, in ways in which you can build and create more beautiful experiences, working together, supporting each other. And by our attitudes and the way we live our lives we live our talk, and create a space for you to do this.
If this is something you would like to do by approaching whatever issues you are dealing with in a way which is positive and expands your insight, wisdom, connection, and creativity, call Linda on 0753 421 3557 or John on 0800 024 8647 where we shall look forwards to sharing your journey, and be guided by you to help you both create the amazing relationship and life you truly want and are capable of, when you are ready to take the first step.
Click here for more information on the London Couple counselling programme
John Donlon - Couple Counsellor and Relationship Coach
Many couples work with us on the Heart of Relationship Couple Counselling and Coaching Programme because they are tired of arguing, tired of not being heard or understood and tired of feeling like they are dead in the relationship as the passion, connection and togetherness has been stunted.
Communication and trust in a way is the glue that holds the relationship together. Without proper communication couples can not speak with each other clearly. Without trust couples cannot build a relationship.
At times John and I will work together with a couple if they request it - to allow them to get a full female and male perspective - this allows the couple to receive the both the powerful feminine and masculine energy in the room to guide and work with the couple. Many clients say this gives them incredible insight, awareness and healing in the relationship and helps them to move forward in their relationship to where they want to be.
An aspect of John's work which I love and respect is watching John teach couples the art of communication skills. If the couple have been arguing for years and they have been stuck in their inner rage and they have forgotten that they are actually a partnership not two sides fighting for power.
As John teaches the couple the skills to communicate with respect, honour and with their truth and to be able to really hear with their heart, mind and body what their partner is saying I find this an incredible powerful process to witness.
As the couples learn the art of communication skills and more importantly implement and embed these skills into their life and relationship - they begin to embrace each other with respect and love perhaps for the first time in years. It's a privilege to be part of their journey.
The light in their relationship begins to shine more brightly as they connect to the passion, connection and togetherness as they begin to understand their own needs and their partner's needs and how to articulate this.
From this place trust in the relationship begins to be nurtured and developed and the relationship begins to be alive again and is even more stronger and powerful then it was before.
Proper communication and trust are fundamental to relationships as this is what holds the relationship together with understanding, awareness and meaning. From this place the relationship naturally continues to grow and develop into an even more loving and fulfilled relationship and partnership.
If you are tired of arguing and being stuck in conflict I invite you to contact us and discover how the Heart of Relationships Couple Counselling and Coaching Programme can help you to move forward in your relationship with communication skills, respect and passion.
To find out more please call 0800 024 8647.
Linda Connors Therapist and Coach for sexual and intimacy issues
If you are searching for relationship counselling it's important that you work with a relationship counsellor who not only understand the dynamics of relationships but also works with you and helps you to move from where you are to where you want to go as a couple.
In a way teaching you the structure, developing your awareness and teaching you the skills to become your own relationship counsellor.
Sadly most relationship counsellors are not taught these skills, get caught up in the cycle of conflict with the couple and do understand the structure of how to build a successful and thriving relationship, so you are at an immediate advantage taking your relationship to a therapist who operates on another effective and powerful level with a unique skill base.
I offer you a different level of understanding which comes from many years of my personally studying the similarities of how different and varied successful relationships work, and how these dynamics can be learned and duplicated to allow you to grow together in your own unique way!
Many of my clients have tried the traditional couple and relationship approach and find that it keeps them locked in a battle of conflict without truly understanding how the dynamics of the relationship is the driving force of conflict.
If you engage in this process with your own becoming, with relationship counselling I can help you reach where you want to go more cleanly, faster, and effectively, learning tools for life to build and enhance the fabric of your relationship as you both continue to grow and change for the better, magnifying your moments and times of delight in yourselves with each other, as you find and keep your life-visions in sight.
It is part of my life mission to help you flourish as an individual and as a couple, to build a relationship and life which cherishes and celebrates your creation of delight with each other, from a deep multifaceted wisdom which manifests through this process as you both grow and come into being more and more.
If you chose to engage in this process you can learn skills which will expand your relationship
and your life, as you continue to become stronger as a couple long after your relationship counselling sessions are over, and in your own unique ways, together.
If you would like to book a relationship counselling appointment and discover about how relationship counselling can help you and your partner can unlock the positive potential out of the issues you are facing and bring you closer as a couple with a deeper sense of commitment, allowing you to experience more shared delight with each other, and which allows you to clearly see, embody and create the future you both really want, enriching your lives together, please contact me on 0785 44755286.
John Donlon relationship counselling and coach
John offers relationship advice, solutions and share their thoughts on love, relationships, marriage and intimacy.