Relationships are about Creation.
If you want intimacy, an amazing sex life, working as a team and a successful relationship you both need to step up to create that. The team can be sabotage if one person is unwilling to do that. This usually happens by blame and punishment such as wanting something from their partner - and then expressing irritation, distrust, running the other person down or isolating themselves.
And this is a lonely place to be. To let down one's walls, to be vulnerable, to risk being silly and having fun, one has to open oneself up and be there - and be sensitive and open as well as positive with the other person. If one partner is too busy attacking the other, then the other person is unlikely to be there with unconditional love and support. What is more likely to happen is that a cycle begins which hurts the relationship even more.
As its a relationship, both partners really do need to step up and work together.
So, if you are waiting for your partner to change - before you have fun, have a fantastic sex life, feel connection, become intimate or working as a team building as life together - you are asking permission to change and it's also like saying, "I want love - but you go first!"
Love isn't about that. Love is giving. It's about going first and not blaming the other person in this moment. It's about going for a walk instead of sitting in a room on your own on the computer. It's about getting in touch with your body and feelings and creating a wonderful sex life with your partner - because you want a wonderful life.
It's not about denying intimacy, kindness, sex, money, or whatever else is intrinsic to a good relationship - making the other person feel like hell, and expecting affection from them. That's like driving someone away and expecting them to be close, or expecting closeness - Crazy!
So your relationship is what you create. Once you realise that - as I'm sure you do - then that's half the battle - because you can change your attitude to take power and control of your life and be the person who creates positive changes in your own life and also your relationship.
If you deny your partner intimacy and sex, closeness, consideration, compassion, well you are denying these aspects of your self. If you deny fun in the relationship, you limit the amount of fun in your own life. It's so simple, but absolutely true and self-apparent.
That's why wanting the best for yourself is also wanting the best for your partner too.
We provide London couple counselling and relationship coaching. Sessions are also available in Bath. Call us on 0800 024 8647 and begin to create magic in your relationship.
If you are looking for couple counselling or relationship coaching it's important to have an understanding what options are available and more importantly how they can help you and your relationship.
Traditional Couple Counsellors and Relationship Coaches all differ in their approach, direction and understanding of the couples potential to work together to build their relationship.
So it is important that you ask yourself these questions and what you want to achieve through the couple counselling and relationship coaching.
"Do you want to focus on problems in your relationship?"
"Do you want to focus on solutions to help your relationship move forward?"
Traditional couple counselling offers a space where couples can come and air their thoughts, feelings, and whatever is happening for them in the presence of someone who is warm and accepting of both points of view.
This can enable couples to talk to and express themselves more freely, safely, and in the presence of someone impartial. And this can help a great deal.
However couple counselling at the Heart of Relationships goes much deeper and teaches you skills to create a deep and meaningful relationship.
Relationship coaching helps the relationship move to another deeper and enriched level.
The main difference between traditional couple counselling and relationship coaching is that relationship coaching embodies everything valuable in traditional couple counselling, and then not only takes it to the next level, but takes the process to another dimension.
Right from the start relationship coaching teaches you and your partner to use communication skills which immediately offer you the opportunity to really hear one another without any defences, without talking over one another, and experience each other in an entirely new way, where you both can truly express yourselves, and experience being absolutely and accurately heard by the other.
Relationship coaching helps you to create goals for your relationship, create a better understanding of your partner and helps you to thrive in your relationship emotionally, physically and sexually.
When Lilly and James came to us their relationship was at breaking point. Arguments resulted in them turning away from each other more and more. Resentment was growing. And this they said was their last chance.
Often when people talk, they talk over each other, and even before the other person has finished speaking, they have something in their mind they want to say. Really listening to the other person, really being present, means letting the other person speak, getting into their world, their feelings, their thoughts, seeing the world from their perspective - and understanding.
This is exactly what experiencing communication in one of our sessions is. And it works both ways!
When both people do this in turn, instead of turning couples away from each other, words can build a bridge and connection of understanding and appreciation, which goes deeper than what the couple may be talking about - to really seeing and appreciating who the other person is.
Sometimes this has not happened for a long time. We give couples the opportunity for this to happen very quickly. We set up boundaries and guidelines which absolutely ensure mutual communication happens, in a way which is kind, light, sometimes playful, respectful of the other person's world and feelings, and above all allowing sharing in your relationship to come to the fore.
In this way couples work with each others' differences to build a really strong relationship, rather than allowing differences to pull their relationship apart.
If you would like to know more about how working with your differences can create a really strong relationship, helping you to turn things around, and see things in a new way, please call 07960 214 336.
You and your partner are both ready to talk to a couple relationship counsellor but who do you trust when your emotions, heart, relationship and future is on the line?
At the Heart of Relationships we understand that for some couples the idea of getting professional help can be a huge step. We understand your concerns and if you are seeking a couple counsellor you may feel unsure which direction to take.
There are many options available to couples who are seeking to resolve issues and improve their relationship such as:
Many couples find that couple relationship counsellors, or indeed any relationship therapist, are just too neutral or non-directive to help them. The therapist do not have the necessary training to set goals with their clients and understanding the dynamics driving the issues in the relationships. If there are no goals during the sessions how can the couple and therapist know what they are aiming for?
Also, unfortunately many therapists are also trained to focus on the arguments - which are simply just a symptom of the relationship and because of this they are not able to provide the guidance, advice or help the couples are seeking.
How Heart of relationships is unique and different in helping couples
At the Heart of Relationships we are cutting edge relationship professionals. We offer our clients Relationship Coaching, Marriage Counselling, Sex Therapy and Couple counselling so you receive all you need in the one place.
We get relationships, we understand the dynamics and our unique approach has helped many couples resolve issues and change the fundamentals of their understanding of self-care and self-fulfillment towards themselves and their partner as part of the Heart of Relationships relationship building programme, to create a positive compelling future together.
In other words, we do not just focus on the problems of the relationships we work with you to learn from them, and develop a way forward so you can both create and experience an wonderful and loving partnership.
So what makes us different?
Heart of relationships was co-founded by two highly successful and dynamic therapist Linda Connors and John Donlon. We decided to join forces as we recognise that there is something fundamental missing in what is offered by many couple counsellors, marriage counsellors, sex therapist and relationship coaches. We have also offered hope and help to many couples where other therapists failed.
Linda Connors is a Life Coach, Sex Therapist, Mentor, Hypnotherapist and Intimacy Expert and John Donlon is a Couple Counsellor, Psychotherapist, Mentor, Relationship Coach and Marriage Counsellor who is also trained in NLP.
We combine our skills and areas of expertise to create a highly successful Relationship Programme. The Relationship Programme helps you both to:
Appointments are available in London in Harley Street, Holborn and Hampstead. As well as in Somerset in Bath and Glastonbury.
If you would like to find our more, call us today on 075 3421 3557.
We look forward to hearing from you.
Linda and John
There are six basic human needs and these needs are at the core of relationship couple counselling. Possibly seven if you count control and the right to self-determination.
These are, the need for:
6) Love and connection.
We all have all of these needs. But every human being will place two of these at the top of their list. What they choose as the two most important will determine how they live their life.
An example of this is:Tony Robbins worked with a woman who placed Certainty or security at the top of her list, and second was love and connection. The result in her life was that when her Security was threatened, the flow of love and connection closed off.
Now this is huge.
Tony taught her to put Love and Connection above Security. In this way, she was able to maintain her love towards her husband, even when her material security was threatened. And in this way she was able to form a basis of love and connection with her husband. Out of which they could create financial abundance and what they needed. Thus making her far more "secure" than she could ever have been when she was placing her need for security as number one.
These choices we make in life are towards enlightenment and fulfilment. When we make choices which empower us to love our life expands. In fact, a person who places Contribution, Growth and Love and Connection at the top of this list, will automatically fulfill their other needs. Only this time it is possible in a loving relationship.
What are your important needs?
You may want to ask yourself - which of these needs are most important to you? If you place significance above love and connection, or security over growth - what effect does that have on your life?
If you place significance over love and connection, you may find that when your need for significance is threatened, you can not experience love and connection?
If you place material security over growth, you may find if your security is threatened you can not really grow and contribute fully in your relationships.
When our number one criteria (or need) is threatened nothing underneath becomes more important. When this happens, the threat to our number one criteria is then known as an "exit point," because then we exit from love and connection, being fully presence, and growth.
If Security is your number one priority, and your material security is threatened you will exit from love and connection, growth, contribution, variety, and significance - until you get security back. You will find love and connection, growth, and contribution flow once more.
Reading this, you may remember times in your life, when you have done this?
You may be doing it now sometimes in your current relationship?
If this is so, then like the woman Tony Robbins taught to re-structure her criteria to put love and connection above security - you have the chance to never again exit from the flow of love and connection you can experience - because your security is threatened.
If you literally put Growth, Love and Connection, and Contribution as the most important things for you - then you will have set your heart in a more helpful order for you to live more easily and fully, even when difficulties come in life.
You will not so easily put a lid on your love or your life when material security - or even your very survival - may be threatened, because then there will be something more important to you. And if and when you come to that place, that is a real security you can have which will never perish.
John Donlon Relationship Couple Counsellor and Coach
Love. Love is a powerful force in life, love and relationships. Yet many of us simply do not know how to deeply love and be loved.
Many choose to make relationships their source of happiness. They have expectations that it's their partner's responsibility to make them happy.
Or they only choose to love their partner only when they are fulfilling their needs, doing what they want them to do and behaving in a certain way which keeps them feeling safe, loved and secure.
Others may simply shower their partner with love, always putting them first, their happiness is more important then their own lives. This is a needy type of love.
That's not true love. For real love is unconditional. Real love is a place when you truly love yourself, your partner and you allow yourself be loved. This is the dance of love, which allows love to flow in and out.
Let me tell you a story.
There once was a young women who didn't love herself and she certainly didn't let others love her back. She choose partners that complimented her view of herself. They used her, wouldn't commit, and treated her like she treated herself.
One day she woke up and began a journey of loving herself, learning how to love others and learning how to be loved.
Then she met her a man who loved her unconditionally. At first it was a rocky relationship, for she rejected his love. However bit by bit she allowed this man into her heart and she discovered the true meaning of love.
This story is my story and the man is of course John! Our journey is still continuing, and as we grow individually and together our relationship is becoming even more powerful, loving and magical in ways I never imagined.
Love is the foundation of our relationship, indeed any relationship. From that place you discover the gift of each other, how to be in a relationship, how to support each other, and to communicate and also how to deal with differences. How to make a wonderful, loving and adventurous life together!
Is love missing in your relationship?
Couples sometimes ignore each others emotional needs, out of mindlessness rather than malice
The first step in turning towards each other is simply to be aware of how crucial these mundane moments are, not only to your marriage's stability, but to its ongoing sense of romance. For many couples just realizing that they shouldn't take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship.
Remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do more for the strength and passion of your relationship than a two week holiday in the Bahamas.
Ignoring your partners emotional needs can also lead you to ignoring appreciating the gifts of what they are doing for you in the world, and who they are.
Being mindful can change your experience of yourself, your relationship - and magnify and expand your life - together.
Life is not about what you have, but about how you live, because how you live your life - and how you live your relationship - is what you create, and out of what you create, you can have anything.
Getting your thoughts in order - being present, living with appreciation - you become the author of your own life and relationship.
Getting your thoughts out of order, living without appreciation, living without being present, living without turning towards each other - can become a much bigger source of lack - the lack of creating a beautiful relationship - the possibility of which has been there all the time.
Too often couples come to us only when they have gone down the wrong road for so long.
We help you focus on yourselves and each other in ways which work.
And in turning towards each other in small ways, you can expand your lives in the biggest of ways - magnify your joy and your presence, and begin to work to create an amazing life and relationship.
Call 0800 024 8647 or 07960 214 336 for help in changing your relationship today.
John Donlon is a couple counsellor and relationship coach and has helped many individuals and couples change and improve their relationships.
I'd like to offer a few things which are so simple, but can radically alter your relationship for the better.
The importance of positive outcomes
If you have ever had any dealings with children, or seen parents with children, you may have noticed when a parent says to a child, "Don't do this," "Don't do that," "If you do this, there will be consequences!"
The human mind doesn't recognize negatives - in the sense that whatever is the focus of attention - that's what you see. The phrase "Don't think of a pink elephant," is a great example - because the first thing you are going to think of if someone says that - is a pink elephant!
With so many "Don'ts" - what happens with children - and with all of us in every human relationship - is that the child will just become confused.
But if a parent instead presents a positive outcome - the child will invariable go for it straight away. And this is the same for every human being, regardless of age. So it is good to have a positive outcome.
Another example of putting a negative in focus might be "I don't want to argue." Which is great. But then it's important to say what you do want. Which might be - "I don't want to argue - I want to compromise."
If you say this in the middle of an argument - and mean it - it can absolutely change the direction of the way things are going. And if you add into that what you want specifically on your side of the compromise you have both an entry into negotiation and a positive outcome, which can open up the situation so you can both begin communicating and working together in a more amicable way.
What you can do - when dealing with people who don't have positive outcomes?
Obviously the first thing to do if possible is to convert a negative outcome into a positive one. But what if the other person stays negative, stays in their "critic", and won't hear anything positive you are saying at all?
The most tempting thing, is to give them their own back - and I don't know about you, but when I've done that - I think I am teaching them a lesson - and they will learn from getting what they are giving back how unpleasant it is. This may sometimes work - but 99 times out of 100 it perpetuates the situation. And it can be even more infuriating if you think to yourself when someone is being continually negative, critical, defamatory, mean-spirited, ect. "I do not deserve this at all!"
In my experience, the quickest way out of the situation, is not to respond in kind to their negativity. It is really good, if you take time and have a Gap immediately after what they have said or done - or are doing.
Then think of what you want positively out of this situation?
Then, I suggest, acting with power, confidence, and kindness - being very clear about what is happening and not taking it personally (no matter how personal it may seem or really is!) - so you step into your power acting on what you want in the present moment - and imagine that good outcome happening for real right here right now in the situation in accordance with your own actions - so you carry it through!
And sort for positives in the other person, in their actions, words, thoughts and deeds - so while the temptation on the other side of an argument may be to punish them and maintain the situation - step out of the situation mentally and give yourself a gap - see what you really want - and put that into action - by being clear, kind, and focused with a positive outcome yourself - not waiting for the other person to start (which is very important - because all you can be responsible for is you - and you might be waiting a very long time for another person to become kind, loving, insightful ect. - and waiting is pretty needless when you can begin to do and make happen what you want to have happen right here right now yourself). So notice there are only two directions - one which takes you towards your positive outcome and one which takes you away - and act according to the direction you are going now.
If you do these things really out of the goodness of your heart, you may well find holding this state and practicing these simple steps where you lead and be the person who want to be - by example, inspires change, love and kindness and positive outcomes in others and in the situations you face. And that this approach is far more real and profound than the trap of trying to rationally "win" an argument or logic things through, although from this state the power of your own logic and reasoning will be far more because it's lead by the love of a good positive outcome.
And the thought I'd like to leave you with something I love, which is when the Dalia Lama was asked what his religion was? He replied, "Kindness."
We offer couple counselling in London and Bath, so please do get in touch if you are ready to make life change improvements to your relationship.
I hope you have a very good day!
John Donlon Couple Counsellor and Relationship Coach
John offers relationship advice, solutions and share their thoughts on love, relationships, marriage and intimacy.