A good therapist may help you to save your relationship - a great therapist will make your relationship better than it was ever before.The quality of therapist you choose, will determine the quality of relationship you achieve, and the quality of life you have.
That is why I teach communication skills to couples at the advanced levels taught to therapists - so that you can implement these skills into your daily lives - which changes the way you experience yourself, your partner and your life - increasing love and connection, in a way where you speak more directly, openly, and with more positive focus than ever before.
When two people do this, they create a positive circle. This is true because generosity and love inspires generosity and love. It makes us want to do things for our partner.
Often we do this anyway, but in a way in which we want to be loved. This may not fit our partner's model of the world nor who they are. I help couples to love their partner in accordance with their partners' model of the world in a way they can really receive and know that they are loved. This is very different than loving your partner in your own way. If your partner is more auditory, for example, they need to hear that you love them by the quality of what you say and the tone of your voice as it caresses them. If your partner is predominantly visual, they need to be shown that you love them - by making love, by bringing them flowers, by going out to nature with them, by romancing them with a candle-lit meal. If your partner is predominantly kinetic, they need to feel you love them - the emotions and physical actions you make towards them are what they notice first of all.
It is no good telling and a visual person you love them and expecting them to receive it; they need to be shown.
Their primary way of processing the world is like the key which opens the vault to their heart. An argument between an auditory woman and a visual man can go like this, "What do you mean I don't love you - I tell you all the time!" "How can you say that - we never make love - you never show me you love me!"
The auditory woman may be baffled why her visual partner doesn't feel loved when she is telling him she loves him all the time. She is giving love in the way that is her own way of processing the world. This means close to nothing to a visual person. He needs to be shown through gestures and actions of love-making that she loves him. Then he feels loved.
The argument can go the other way too, from a visual man to an auditory woman, "How can you say I don't love you - I try to make love with you all the time!" "But you never say you love me - listen to the tone of your voice!"
So I help couples to really see how the other works, and create a bridge between them. Then they can really meet their partner's needs in the way that their partner needs to be loved, rather than the way they need to be loved. And I get both partners to do this with each other, however different they might be.
This creates a connection. And what couples need more than anything else, is to experience love and connection.
This also helps couples to experience each other as they really are. This creates genuine relationship and engagement. Because we all want to be really seen as we are, when this happens, it can be a profound experience for both people. It means we feel really seen and heard as well. It is being in relationship with our partner on a whole souled level.
This is only the first step. Once we begin to attune to what we share with our partner and makes us happy, we can begin to play. Play is one of the things which makes us feel really alive. It is why we love laughing so much. It is one of our reasons, of pure joy, for being.
In our relationship building program we help you heal what is wrong - and also help you focus on and create what is amazing!
You can do this right now - by opening out your heart and mind, dropping any limitations - and saying Yes, to new experiences and to your partner!
You can do this walking in the rain, having a romantic meal together, walking the dog, cooking, doing courses which inspire and challenge you, performing, playing with kids! Whatever makes you feel alive together! We are rich beyond our wildest dreams in our creativity.
Often couples forget this - and become too preoccupied in simply living. We help you remember what it's like to feel truly connected and alive and live it!
It is my intention not only to save your relationship - but to create an amazing relationship! So in our program that's a huge part of what couples focus on!
To help couples do this in an authentic way, as I say, I teach communication skills the most advanced therapists learn, I help you identity your goals and what makes you feel live as individuals - and support each other as a couple, and thrive! I help you really experience yourself and understand your own way of being and to change anything you need to to help you aspire to live out your dreams from the place of "home" of who you truly are - with unlimited power, giving, focus, playfulness, honesty, determination, and contribution.
We help you tap into your true nature and live it!
It was my intention to create a program which went far beyond the dimensions of traditional couple counselling, and with my partner Linda, we have created a way for couples to not only solve their issues but to live more deeply and feel more alive by creating a deeper yet more freeing connection with each other - than ever before.
This program is part of the blog you are reading now, and the work we are doing.
If you would like to take your own journey further and to discover how we help couples go much further than traditional couple counselling and expand their lives, please feel free to call for a free initial telephone consultation, or if you may like to book an initial appointment, on 0800 024 8647.
As individuals we like to do things our own way. We like to be in control. If you try and force your way upon your partner, it can tear your relationship apart. Over time, trying to be in control can turn off attraction switches - no one likes to be told what to do.
Instead of trying to be in control, you could be working with your partner, investing in them, in what makes them feel alive, and what brings you both alive together.
This is the exact opposite of being controlling. Instead of "being right" you can have a more peaceful, connected, loving, growing adventurous relationship.
Byron Katie asks the powerful question, "Do you want to be right, or do you want peace?" Well, you can have more than peace. You can create an amazing partnership with a fulfilled life as individuals and as a couple!
Couples go round in circles prioritizing the wrong things. They make fear, doing things their own way much more important than giving, and playfully creating together.
Imagine for a moment the difference in two relationships - one where fear and doing things your way was the most important thing you chose to act out of, and a life and partnership where giving and playfully creating was the most important thing.
Imagine the kind of lives each couple will create.
We give you the choices to make intelligent conscious loving relationships which are a blessing to you, your partner, all of your friends, you children, and future grandchildren.
This is love. And this is your true nature. And in our programmes, you will come home.
London Couple Counselling and Coaching
My Partner doesn't understand me!
Couple counselling can literally help you take off your sunglasses and see the world in a whole new bright and real and true way.
And from there, life can happen...
You can begin to see and experience your own sweetness and goodness. And come into a space where your partner can see clearly too...
To see and be seen is a wonderful thing.
If you want to give yourself and your partner that gift, let's begin...
John Donlon Couple Counsellor
Call 0800 024 8647 to take the first step to free your life and relationship today.
Why is it - that it is so hard to communicate sometimes? Through couple counselling I witness this a lot.
According to Fritz Perls, the answer lies in encounter. We all have filters through which we see and experience the world.
We see the world clearly on a sunny day. Then imagine putting on sunglasses. That is a filter. The world changes to a brown or green tinted hue.
We all have filters, which are deep, and through which we see our partners, sometimes. These can come from out thoughts, our past experiences, our childhood...
We know ourselves. We know our own hearts and what is in them. We know our intentions. We know our own emotions. We have that clarity.
When someone misrepresents us, and it is unlike we really are, there is a very good chance they are seeing through a particular filter.
Filters can be positive or negative - people can see us as better than we are - when tends to draw us towards the best in us, or they can see us as much worse than we are - and then go on in a timeline to make the worst possible case for us last night, last week, last year - into the future - ad infinitum.
If you have ever had the experience where one remark has escalated to catastrophic proportions out of some minor misunderstanding, this is exactly what may have been happening.
Unfortunately, when someone is seeing us through their particular filter, they may not be particularly good at rectifying things. They may tend to keep seeing things that way.
So no matter what we do after that, we may be the villain. No amount of pleading, shouting, calm quiet talking, can convince them to take off those sunglasses!
When Fritz Perls himself was confronted with a young woman who took absolute umbrage at something he said, he said she was not hearing him.
She kept going - seeing him through her filter.
As she kept going, Perls became more animated, and insisted that she was not hearing him.
This only made matters worse. And she became even more vociferous at how offensive Perls was, how unaware of himself he was, and could he not see what he had said, how he was being, the tone of voice he was using, and what he was doing!?!
I wondered where this would go next?
Perls then said even more determinedly that not only was she not hearing what he had said, she was not experiencing the real Fritz!!!!
There was a pause.
Something had broken.
In the calm that followed, a different quality of relationship came in. The woman became almost tender in her voice. She had at last heard him. Perls responded with kindness. And the whole interchange changed.
This is the meaning of encounter. Of encountering another human being As They Are.
This is so precious and so rare in relationships. Yet it is what each of us longs for. To be heard. To be seen for who we really are, and as we really are being.
In our real relationships in life, this kind of change virtually never happens. If someone mishears us - if they are seeing through a particular filter which is a deep part of them - they are likely to continue seeing us that way - no matter what we do or say.
People can get into whole relationships where they feel and actually are misheard and unseen. My partner doesn't understand me may be a cliche - but it may also be true if a relationship heads this way without any clarification and goodwill.
Being misheard and unseen can bee a lonely place to be. Especially if on top of that we are treated as unaware of ourselves to boot...
When we know our thoughts. We know our emotions. We know our heart and intentions. We know ourselves.
We may very likely - as Perls did - get frustrated, or we may retaliate - or even if we are not retaliatory - when someone is in a war with us - we are on the other side of a war...
Oh, to have peace! Imagine what that would be like!
In Couple Counselling I allow you to be really seen for who you are - and your partner can come into that space too, so they can encounter the real you.
Just like the woman with Perls who had the "Aha!" moment and stopped shouting to really see him, something genuine and real happens again and again as I work with couples - which creates a wonderful connection between them. They begin to hear each other deeply, perhaps for the first time, in problem areas. Instead of being the villain, they can begin to see their partner as their friend. They can hear their words and see who they are as a person. The scales of previous filters which distorted and damaged their relationship - caused misunderstanding - and kept them separate can fall away - and they can come into a space together.
I'm reminded of a psychiatrist who once was working with a paranoid schizophrenic who was very much seeing through one of his filters. He had his hands around the psychiatrist's neck and was choking him. The psychiatrist said to him, in a very plain direct way, "I am not your enemy, I am your friend." At which point the young man let go of his neck. And this was the beginning, of them working together, to the eventual recovery of the patient.
When we see each other for who we really are, we are not so terrible. When we see each other for who we really are, we are like angels of God, made in his image. Whether you believe in God or not, that is beautiful, to really see and be seen.
In our deep relationship patterns, unlike our social relationships, we are particularly vulnerable seeing through the filters of our past or our fears - as if we are not worthy or good. Particularly where we have been criticized or hurt. Or are feeling criticized and hurt in the present.
How to build a successful relationship
We often talk and discuss here on our couples therapy website and also to our clients the importance of building a successful relationship.
We are going to share with you a fundamental step towards building successful relationship. Many couples simply fail with other couple counsellors because unfortunately the therapist does not understand the importance of well formed successful outcomes or how to achieve this with the couple.
In order to create and build a successful relationship we first define what success means to you by following a specific process and asking specific questions. This is something many therapist do not apply or understand as in our experience some people define success in negative terms - such as living without pain, living without arguing ect. We invite you to view success by finding and saying what you want positively. We help you get to the core of what success means for you. And by following specific processes we help you to create a clear vision, meaning and purpose for your lives.
The couples we work with are often very surprised by the results! They come to understand what it means to create success - and why they were not able to do be successful in their relationship, and what was missing in the past. More importantly they combine understanding with action and rebuilding their relationship, creating new experiences, and moving forwards.
Knowing what you really want is the key to success. This is why it is fundamental for us to work with you to formulate your vision of success to begin with, sowing the seeds of what will develop, grow, and come into being in your relationship.
What makes a relationship successful?
A misconception of building successful relationships is that success has an end point. There is a difference between success and a successful life. If you just focus on success you are limiting yourself but if you focus on a successful life then the successes along the way are goals part of a bigger picture.
As you live your life you will experience and achieve many successes along the way (and remember to enjoy and appreciate them) and use these successes to allow the foundations of your relationship grow from strength to strength.
Ten steps to build successful relationships
Use conflicts as an opportunity for growth.
Have an active, fun, loving and spontaneous sexual relationship.
Learn and move on from mistakes of the past and work forwards together.
Learn and use "real" communication skills to change the way you speak and listen. Speak with truth, integrity and honesty and listen with an open mind and heart.
Keeping your passion alive. Be spontaneous and create loving meaningful moments.
The ability to manage conflicts, arguments and disagreements and use these as an opportunity for growth
Understand your partner's needs and how to meet them, let your partner meet your needs and support each other.
Put your partner first.
Appreciate your partner.
Work together as a team and towards a shared goal.
Smile, laugh and have fun together
Working with us
Do you want to build a successful relationships? The first step is to call us and let's have a meaningful conversation and if we know we can help we schedule your appointment.
Meeting each others needs
One of the first and most fun lessons to learn, is that when you and your partner are actively meeting each others' needs you are really fulfilling a huge part of your own nature to give, as well as receive and in giving together can create love.
When the sexual, spiritual, psychological, practical and emotional needs of one person are met not only is this good for that person, but also it's good for the relationship.
Emotionally healthy people create emotionally healthy relationships. Where your needs are meet, and you meet your partner's needs with an open heart miraculous things can be borne and come into your relationship.
Some of the most beautiful songs "You're in my heart," and "Your song" were created like this, as well as thousands of moments couples share in restaurants, on quiet walks home and in a million different other places - giving and receiving from their open heart.
A friend of mine once said that "A good relationship was two people, bringing out the angel in each other."
When you think about it, this makes perfect sense and it is the enlightenment of the major religions embodies in one way or another in the saying, "Love thy neighbor as thyself," since we exist as dialectic beings - we exist in relationship, relationship with the divine, relationship with ourselves, and relationship to our partners, relationship to our friends, relationship to our culture, relationship to our enemies, and relationship to everyone we meet or see or think about.
HOW WE CAN HELP
In relationships, the enlightenment comes, from generosity. And in Relationship Coaching at the Heart of Relationships, one of the things we do is to help you both to develop the mindset of a successful relationship.
We invite you to become fulfilled and whole individuals - and the miracle is - you can do this and help each other together!
We help you change the patterns that are not helping you nor your relationship - and open and create amazing channels which open up your mind, bodies, emotions, individual and mutual goals towards each other to work a partnership together and allow you to create an amazing relationship together.
We facilitate you both getting into this state and learning the principles, values, attitude, and practical ways of experiencing, creating and working as a powerful partnership together.
That spirit and generosity is what we capture in our relationship and at the Heart of Relationships Couple Counselling Program, which goes to the heart of your success.
At the Heart of Relationships we incorporate mindfulness, hypnotherapy, coaching, counselling, psychotherapy, body therapy, NLP, and much more, so that you can model excellence and create it as a living thing in your own lives.
To find out more or book a place on the Heart of Relationships London Couple Counselling and Relationship Coaching please call 0800 024 8647 or 0753 3412 3557 to speak with John
John offers relationship advice, solutions and share their thoughts on love, relationships, marriage and intimacy.