How to develop amazing strength, be present and be committed to positive change - by noticing your "exit points"
How one woman changed her exit point with her son
I once worked with a lady, whose problem was that her 10 year old son was ruling the roost. Tragically, he had lost his father some months beforehand, and she was struggling to find a way to deal with her son. When I asked her what was happening, she said, "Every time he gets angry, I just can't stand it!" I asked, "What happens next?" "Well, then, he just get's his way!"
This was not the story of a problem child, but a parent who just needed a little understanding to hold the family dynamic together.
If every time her son got angry, she "exited" from the situation and collapsed, well obviously then she was giving up her power. No wonder her son ruled the roost.
It was time for her to make the decision to be present, whatever her son did. To make the decision, not to collapse.
And when she did this, things radically changed.
Exit points in relationships
Relationships can have a similar pattern. Have you ever simply left the room at the very start of a disagreement? Has this happened so many times that it has started to become a pattern? Has the pattern then become one of frustration, feeling unheard and more distant?
If one or both partners "exits" at the merest hint of disagreement or argument, then nothing is going to get deeply resolved.
Both people need to commit to "being there," to be really present, to work things through, if a relationship is going to work on a deeper level.
That means as arguments come up, making a conscious decision to argue positively and seeing them through to a resolution which brings you closer together - and not completely exit too early - which means you are gone! and you will never have the experience of changing behavior and gaining new experiences beyond that exit point.
So one of the problems I sometimes find I need to address, is one or both of the couple's "exit" points.
And like I say, if one or both partners exit too early in an argument, then the process is aborted and nothing gets resolved. This tends to keep the cycle of non-communication, frustration, distance, despair and hopeless going, incidentally, and resolves nothing.
Especially in relation to anger, if one or both partners keeps walking away every time they or their partner get angry, there are an awful lot of problems that are not going to be solved, and an awful lot of possibilities for good experiences in life they are going to short-circuit and miss out on.
Or sometimes we see couples where one person has a pattern of leaving an argument - or threatening to leave the relationship - when they don't get their way, this is a very controlling thing to do. And that blocks the ability of learning to compromise and have a real, mutual, healthy relationship too!
This is kind to no-one, lease of all themselves.
But, bit by bit, as we learn with couples their issues and we guide them as to identify these issues, dismantle these problems, and behave in different ways, more wonderful things can happen.
How you can change the way you argue -Teaching at the Heart of Relationships
We teach you how:
In our experience, changing a part of the problem - such as changing your exit points, perspectives, and clarifying positive outcomes - allows in the possibility for every single one of the teachings above to become practical heartfelt realities in your life and relationships.
Call 0800 024 8647 or 07960 214 336 to book your session with John.
Falling in love with someone is one of the most wonderful and joyful experiences in life. You were meant to be together, work so well as a couple and what you have is unique and so very special.
But then it happens. Fear and doubt begins to creep into you or your partners mind asking "Am I in love?" Many couples feel disheartened when one partner says "I love you but I am not in love with you anymore"
They feel their relationship is over, feel lost and wonder what the next step is.
At the heart of relationships for couple counselling we believe in people and relationships.
Why do couples fall out of love with each other
Falling out of love is not just as simple as that, it's not so clear cut. There are many underlying currents which impact your sense of love, self-worth and ability to give and receive love.
Some couples meet and fall in love, their lives change. They invest in their family, work, social life but rarely invest emotionally or physically into their relationship, partner and love life.
For some it feels like they have gone their separate ways, the passion has gone, their emotional and sexual needs are not being met, lack of intimacy, anxiety about intimacy, fear of rejection or abandonment, one partner works too much, they no longer work together and communicate as a couple or the relationship has fell into a rut.
Is there a way back to love?
At the Heart of Relationships we believe there is a path back to love.
This path involves a process for healing individually and as a couple, re-connection and getting to know each other on a deeper and more enriched level.
The way back to love involves making fundamental changes to the way you experience yourself, emotional needs, your partner, love, passion, joy and happiness.
With the heart of relationship couple counselling programme your relationship can be magical again, much more enriched, happier, joyful and a deeper sense of love from your heart and soul.
John Donlon is a relationship expert, relationship counsellor and coach and trainer and co-creator and founder of Heart of Relationships. John is available for appointments in London and Somerset. For appointments please call 075 3421 3557.
I wanted to offer a few orienting tips which may be helpful to you and your partner working as a partnership together financially, emotionally, practically, psychologically and spiritually.
Money, income, earnings, and expenditure can be really important, especially if money is tight, or one person is earning more than the other.
It's also very important to take a step back, see how money issues work and are resolved really successfully in life (which doesn't necessarily mean having lots of money - or else people who are poor could never be so happy or blessed with each other and generous to strangers! Or people who are very rich or actually doing okay could ever be in such want and unhappiness with themselves and in the world!).
It may sound a strange thing to say when talking about money - it may even seem unrelated - but when it comes down to it, it can be absolutely essential in how you handle money, is your attitude and your commitment to your partner and the relationship.
If we are going to talk about money, underlying this, one of the things we stress at The Heart of Relationships, is the power and value of commitment.
Couples who integrate the wisdom of commitment to each other first, valuing each others' fulfillment and shared goals - start in a place where they are already secure and security helps them to thrive as individuals and as a couple together.
Working as a team of course includes working with financial and practical issues.
But before working on the practical issue of money, couples who work on a new level of intimacy, understanding, trust and co-operation, as all levels are connected - have the underlying core attitudes to support relationship building and have the keys to success in many other areas, including money.
And in it's place this wisdom of working together as a team - The Heart of Relationships Couple Counselling Program helps couples come to live well on every level together, emotionally, practically, physically and spiritually, and through integrating elements of life coaching and mentoring we really empower you on a practical realistic level to soar and live your dreams.
Because money is frequently related to Insecurity, dealing with insecurity is important
We can help you transform insecurity which you may bring to the relationship and have on your own into security through working together.
Bringing individual issues in couple counselling means your partner can support you in a very special way.
So we can deal with the presenting issues - and help you solve things at this level, and we can also help you solve things at a core level.
Coming to the real core of the issues you are working with, which may include issues from your childhood and life experience, which may have created insecurity in a deeper personal way, we can help you to become stronger as individuals - and as we work with you together - as a couple.
This is one way we work which makes the Heart of Relationships couple counselling program so special.
From working in tandem means you can more readily build your life, and your dreams, together, and become truly rich.
In fact we help you to start with all your resources, skills, talents, things which draw you together, so that you approaching issues from a position of strength. You can start with richness, and that's a very different place from being in want - and expecting material things to answer that want. Which is what sometimes happens when insecurity and money becomes a focus - and impacts the relationship with back-biting, argument, and accounting; instead of focusing on generating what you really want, on all levels.
In our experience, when you start with your resources, with courage, faith, and positive well-formed outcomes, this is beginning from a position of strength.
And in the words of one life-coach, this is "living from the inside out." And beginning with your resources, talents, skills, all the wonderful things you have going for you, allows you better to start in a position of strength and love to creating the life you want.
If you have all the ingredients of a good relationship, which include self-awareness, fun, common loves and passions, is very important.
Making peace with every aspect of your relationship is also very important. And to make peace together as a financial partnership is very important.
Not making peace - in any area of your life or relationship - literally means being at war.
And even in one area of your life, whatever that is, being at war in one area and at peace and joy in others, can hurt and cause pain in your relationship.
Why Commitment is a good place to begin
Couples who start from a place commitment to each other and for building their lives start at a distinct advantage.
For this reason, before you start to deal with any issues, we would like to see your commitment to working as a team?
Commitment to working as a team together is hugely important to the how you can approach and deal with things.
And frequently it's the approach to things, almost to everything, not the thing itself, which is the problem. And by the same token it's also how you can both approach things which leads to positive, life-enhancing solutions.
If you start with commitment to each other and to your relationship you are already half-way to success!
Your commitment helps you maximize implementing the practical benefits of The Heart of Relationships couple counselling programme into your relationship and your lives.
If you want to transform your life for the better, you can build a Bridge through which you can connect with each other and open out the highways of your life to thrive as people.
As the real riches in life are understanding, appreciation, generosity, faith and courage, we help you to begin in a place of riches and security to building a life together, rather insecurity and want.
Our experience as Coaches means that time and time again as couples approach sessions in this way you will experience yourselves working and enjoying together really well.
We give you the foundation and building blocks to do the work together
Whatever problems you arrive with, as we support you in developing and practicing the right attitude and approach to dealing with issues, you will find you are coming from a position of strength. From here you can face any insecurities in a really healthy way, so that you can begin with who you are and all you have - again instead of lack or want.
Having and knowing the key essential ingredients, the right understanding, attitudes and learning the very foundations to relationship building, sets you and your partner upon the road to succeeding. From despair, arguments, fighting, and misunderstandings, which set you apart, you can learn how to come together and really get creative enjoying fun, playing, passion and building your life together.
In this way, you can come with any issue you want, and we will help you deal not just with the issues, such a finances and practicalities, but also the core issues, and set you on the road to successfully creating the life you want, and making it work practically, spiritually and outwards on every level, living from the inside out!
Contact us today on 0800 024 8647.
John Donlon Couple Counsellor and Relationship Coach
Our childhood and early family life are often a template to how we relate and function as adults.
This also impacts our love life and relationships although it may not seem apparent at first as these early experiences provide a model of how we respond to others in our adult life. They become embedded and embodied within us to create a set of behavioural patterns and habits.
Ask yourself these questions:
Do you give or receive affection easily?
Do you feel uncomfortable with hugs and kisses?
Do you remember your parents being affection with each other?
Was your family a nurturing environment?
Were you raised in a lovely and warm family where love was freely displayed?
Do you feel uncomfortable with intimacy?
As a therapists specialising in intimacy and relationship coaching we have worked with many couples and individuals who feared intimacy. They were scared to get to close to their partner emotionally, physically and sexually as a result of childhood experiences and early family life.
We all have the potential to create a loving and intimate relationships emotionally, physically and sexually.
However for some they must first heal their childhood and develop new inner resources and abilities to create a new model and template for intimacy and relationships.
Just imagine a loving and nurturing relationship where you naturally give and receive, understand each other on a new level and create a happy and fulfilling life together.
This is where The Heart of Relationships can help.
Linda Connors and John Donlon are leaders in their field of relationships.
John is a couple and relationship counsellor, and marriage counsellor and Linda is a sex therapist and intimacy expert. Together they created the Heart of Relationships to work with couples and individuals to create happy, successful and connected relationships and marriages.
John offers relationship advice, solutions and share their thoughts on love, relationships, marriage and intimacy.