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One of the secrets to keeping love alive, is getting your priorities in order. Many couples say that having a healthy sex life is a priority, but when it comes down to it - the washing up, tidying the house, cleaning the floors, washing the car, doing the garden - a myriad of little things, can take the place of the most important activities in your life.
The difference is we need to do the practicalities to keep order and to make things work - we fulfill our need for sex, love and connection to feel truly alive and fulfilled. Don't make the unimportant things more important than the truly important things! Don't make a myriad of small things more important than a sexual relationship with you partner, than writing the book you want to write, than being in nature, than getting off your mobile phone or computer and actively contributing to the world with your unique talents! There are six main needs all human beings have in life. Not just drives, but needs we have to have met. The first four are 1) Security 2) Variety/fun 3) Significance 4) Love and connection. We need to have these needs met to survive. The next two needs bring us our spiritual fulfillment. These are 5) Growth 6) Contribution. If a person meets the needs for Growth and Contribution it follows that there other needs will be met automatically, when we are growing and contributing, we fulfill our need for love and connection, for security, variety, and significance. If you find yourself having no time for what is truly important to you because of all the little things, maybe it's time to make space for that love making you say is important but you are always too tired to do - or to set aside time to to write your book instead of filling you time with house-work everyday - or to walk in the mornings and be in nature instead of waking up to your mobile phone or laptop! One study showed that couples who invest time doing quality things are happier in their lives than those who don't make regular time because they allow their lives to be consumed with the small stuff! If this is you, you can take control of your life now, stop making excuses why what you say you value most in your life isn't happening, put down the hoover - and make a real connection through love making with your partner, or let those dishes go for a while and go and give yourself the space to write that book! Whatever is really most important to you and brings you fulfillment on a spiritual level. This will enrich your life immeasurably more than being tied up with a myriad of little things like Gulliver's ropes - all small - but the cumulative effect is that he was unable to move tied down by a myriad of little things unable to fully feel alive! Movement in the sense of your fulfillment is what is most important. And if you take action to make it more important than the other daily chores of life - then like the saying says "Your stones will be put in order," your whole life and relationship will come into alignment, and work on a much more profound level which leaves you richer spiritually. At times it's natural for relationships to enter conflict. You are two individual people with your own past history, hurts, stories and way of being in the world. Two people who are united in love and togetherness. Two people who also have a very different way of experiencing the world. If conflict and hurt becomes common place it can be difficult to be re-united in love. To ignite the magic between you both. To come together and talk kindly, honestly and with truth. I wanted to share this beautiful meditation with you by John O'Donohue called Love in Time of Conflict. When the gentleness between you hardens And you fall out of your belonging with each other, May the depths you have reached hold you still. When no true word can be said, or heard, And you mirror each other in the script of hurt, When even the silence has become raw and torn, May you hear again an echo of your first music. When the weave of affection starts to unravel And anger begins to sear the ground between you, Before this weather of grief invites The black seed of bitterness to find root, May your souls come to kiss. Now is the time for one of you to be gracious, To allow a kindness beyond thought and hurt, Reach out with sure hands To take the chalice of your love, And carry it carefully through this echoless waste Until this winter pilgrimage leads you Towards the gateway to spring. Linda Connors at The Relationship Specialises in helping men and women overcome sexual issues and also live with more loving-kindness in their life and relationships.
We also provide Couple Counselling and Coaching. Do you ever feel when you talk to your partner, they are just not hearing you? Do you ever feel when your partner speaks, they just don't understand?
At the Heart of Relationships on our couple counselling success programme we give you the space to feel secure, listened to, and really heard. Couples sometimes suffer for months or years wanting to move forwards, but not knowing how. When you come to us at the Heart of Relationships we give you both equally the space and the coaching to learn communication skills and hear each other, perhaps for the first time, in those areas you feel apart, and would like to come together on, to change your relationship. The three of us working together in this way in a warm space creates a bridge between you and a way to move forwards together valuing and supporting each other as individuals - and in this way you can begin working as a powerful partnership. What means something in your life, what is really important to you, is supported and shared by your partner's own motivation to create an amazing life between you. Listening to your situation as it is now, hearing your journeys of how you got here, and hearing your dreams of how you would like things to be, we nurture and support your relationship by giving you the understanding of how we can help your unique situation really move forwards. . When you see the first results of trying new things, this builds trust upon a basis of understanding and gives you the experiences of how relationships really work well, along with homework you can take home and implement new changes into your lives. When people comes to us on the verge of crisis, on the verge of splitting up, thinking of divorce, feeling lonely, frustrated and unheard....the more blocks, misunderstanding, hurtful experiences, mistrust there is, the more we can do to help you really resolve those issues and create a new foundation expanding all the things that bring you together eliminating needless arguments and destructive patterns to create a new way of relating where you can enjoy building a beautiful life together. From crisis, anxiety, worry, and destructive patterns which create isolation and distrust, we help you form a bridge to connect, come together, and find a real way forwards. At the heart of relationships we accompany you as you begin to create the experiences to shape an amazing life together, based upon your own desires for the best life you can have. Working with us at The Heart of Relationships within the first session you will notice big changes. Within two months your relationship can move significantly forwards from where you are now to where you both discover you really want to be, and a way to get there. You will experience A way to talk, when you can't. A way to move forward, when you're stuck. A way to come together, when you're apart. And a way to become a powerful partnership together. For many couples our two month program produces positive results which gives them a firm foundation and experience of relationship building skills which they find themselves implementing into their lives and are already discovering those huge positive changes really enjoyable. Other couples come to love the work so much they just keep getting better and better and find they can benefit longer the longer they work for. Usually for these couples sustaining the natural high of their relationship and approaching problems and issues in a really positive way which builds their relationship and makes them even stronger gives them a confidence which grows the more they use it. They can take everything and continue building their relationship for the rest of their lives. This process can be anything from 3 months to a year. How long it takes depends upon you and you work together. But it always feels right. If you would like to move your relationship forwards in a positive way whatever issues you are facing call Linda on 0753 421 3557 or John on 0800 024 8647. Understanding Sexual Anorexia
Sexual Anorexia is a term coined by Dr. Patrick Carnes. It is when one or both partners in relationship are addicted to safety, instead of sexual intimacy. Safety from intimacy becomes the focus - and the avoidance of sex, talking about sex, or acts of sexual intimacy, is what the person who is sexually anorexic actively pursues, at the expense of their sexual relationship with their partner. The need for safety or security over intimacy In their need to avoid sexual intimacy, a person suffering from sexual anorexia may give their partner the cold shoulder, the silent treatment, or punish them in some way, should they broach the subject of sexual intimacy. Often the person who is sexually anorexic may have no idea why they are acting this way towards the person they love. The sexually anorexic person may have a healthy sex drive The sexually anorexic person who suffers from this addiction to safety and avoids sexual intimacy may have a very healthy sex drive, and find outlets for that drive which doesn't include their partner, from fantasies, to pornography, to frequent masturbation. There is nothing wrong with the sex drive of someone who suffers from sexual anorexia, and frequently, even the start of the relationship can be very sexual indeed. Sexual anorexia - belongs to intimate relationships It is over time, when intimacy and deep relationship patterns come into play - and real intimacy is threatened, that the person who suffers from fear of intimacy and compulsion for safety may go out of their way to avoid sex with their partner and sabotage this aspect of their relationship. This stops their most intimate relationship from developing in a healthy, nurturing, exciting, bonding and thriving way, which magnifies their sexual connection and fun, and from enhancing their relationship and life together. Just imagining every time you mention sex - it's an off-limits subject - or you get some barbed comment! Or disinterest. Or a person who is afraid to give their heart in sexual intimacy with their partner may find themselves running down and blaming their partner. They may not understand clearly what the issue is themselves. How could it be them? They may ask, when their sex drive is perfectly healthy. Sexual anorexics may abstain from sex except when they are intoxicated. They may be very rigid and avoidant of normal sexual expression in their relationship, but when inhibitions are lowered they may "binge" and allow themselves and their partner an oasis of sexual intimacy. Origins of sexual anorexia There can be many causes for the avoidance of sex and seeking safety through sexual anorexia - from experiences in childhood where the sexual anorexic could not bond with the opposite parent because the parent was either distant, abusive, or unavailable. Or if one parent was particularly cruel and supported by the other - the imprinting of this relationship upon the child can convey the message that relationships between men and women - deeply intimate relationships - are not safe. This can easily be generalized as a subconscious "message" that intimacy and healthy attachment with the opposite sex in general is not safe. This is why sexual anorexia is not about the person they are with, but about intimacy. The past sexual relationships or a person suffering from sexual anorexia may often be of a sado-masochistic nature keeping real sexual intimacy at bay. However, if these relationships were emotionally and physically abusive - in retrospect their past sexual experiences may amass memories and lead to shame and self-loathing being carried either consciously or subconsciously into the new relationship. Other types of issues may arise out of particular cultural or religious attitudes which see sex as shameful can also contribute to this problem. It is the sexually anorexic person who has the issue It is important for the spouse of a sexually anorexic person to realize that their partner will have this issue whoever they are in a relationship with. If it was not with them, then it will be the next partner, and the next - however many partners down the line, until this issue is identified, understood, and resolved in a healthy sexual and emotional relationship. Sexual anorexia will affect the couple, but it is not a couple issue. The person who suffers from sexual anorexia is responsible for their own issue. It is never the spouse who is to blame. The upside of this is that once the person who suffers from sexual anorexia identifies and addresses the problem, their relationship can change unrecognizably to one of sexual fulfillment and mutual connection and happiness. Solutions for individuals and couples suffering from sexual anorexia If any of these issues ring a bell with your relationship, it is possible to overcome sexual anorexia and develop a program which builds up sexual and intimate connection in your relationship. Identifying and naming the problem is halfway towards a solution. The rest of the way is being committed to understanding and resolving the roots of this issue as it may be for the person suffering in this way, and taking action to change and build their current relationship as they increase risk, heal themselves and build their sexual life together with their partner in exciting new and intimate ways. An understanding partner who accompanies you on this journey will also probably rejoice at the opportunity to have a real,intimate, growing, sexual and emotional connection that enriches their lives and your relationship - and that allows them to give and receive the gift of intimacy with the person they love. We are experts at helping people work through sexual anorexia and re-connecting with their partners to create a relationship which is not only strong, but thriving. Call 0800-024-8647 to re-kindle sexual intimacy and re-build your relationship today. John Donlon provides London couple counselling and relationship coaching to couples in crisis. Call today to discuss how John can help you to improve your relationship. One of the mistake many people make in their relationship is that they try to form and mould the other person in a way this fits their needs, hopes and desires. On a unconscious level they are sending out a message that says "If you want to be special to me, if you want me to love you then you must meet my conditions. The moment you fail to meet these you lose my love". It's a very controlling way to live and be in relationships and most people do not realise they are doing it. Some couples try to get all their needs met from just the one person - their partner. A few years ago we lived in communities, neighbours knew each other, it was easier to visit family and friends - we had a bigger support network that was there to help us when we needed it. In our changing times many of us try to get all our needs meet by the one person. You must dance to my tune so I can get all my needs meet. You must have these values, car, house, financial security, ambitions, goals and so on - only then will I love you. What a huge pressure that places on the relationship and the person. It's unrealistic and very difficult to maintain. One of the greatest gifts you can give your partner is the freedom to be who they are. Without any fears, judgements, condition or controls. This is true love. Anthony De Mollo in his book The Way to Love suggests saying this; I leave you to be free to be yourself; To think your thoughts, Indulge your tastes, Follow your inclinations, Behave in ways that you decide are to your liking. In order to create this freedom for your partner you must be willing to create freedom for yourself. To let go of attachments, fears, jealously, manipulation, judgements, conditions and control. Once you have offered this gift and freedom to your partner you then have the capacity to break free from yourself. To allow your heart and love to grow with freedom. Unconditionally, whole and expanding. That's the greatest gift you give to your partner - the freedom to be who they truly are. To follow their own drum, their own dance. Then the two of you will meet. Two dances emerging to create something truly beautiful. Do you need relationship support? John Donlon and Linda Connors help couples to experience more love, connection and joy in their relationship - on a very deep, profound and transformational way.
For more information on couple counselling in London and Bath please call us on +44 (0) 753 421 3557.  Being responsible brings you closer together As a London Couple counsellor and relationship coach more and more recently I've noticed that when people come into close intimate relationship on a one to one basis - their deeper patterns come out, in ways it never comes out in other ways to other people.
We all get angry. Without exception. It's how aware we are, and what we do on the back of that which determines what happens next. Both men and women have come to sessions and said, "I was angry so I..." and then they'd recount how they name-called, got physically aggressive, or done something else. What I noticed, is that instead of an apology, there is usually an explanation and justification for their anger. Without differentiation between legitimate anger, and what they do upon the back of that. It really counts if someone chooses to act and speak constructively on the back of their anger. So I call clients on name-calling, rage behavior, losing it, and invite them to be responsible for their words and actions and become more of the person they would be proud to have anyone see in their private moments. And this is part of relationship building. The other pattern, is running the relationship down, abusing one's partner, and their is always then a "because" whether through disappointments, unmet needs, or simple cruelty. But justification of destructiveness on the back of anger is not an enlightened way of being. And enlightenment leads to greater choice and building a far better relationship, where two people can really create what they want. Saying "ouch" when something hurts, and saying "sorry" when you are cruel, counts. It's the mark of a mature person striving for a more positive relationship. It also opens up trust, and confidence when you are real and say "ouch" or "sorry". From there, it is important to want something positive - a positive outcome. It makes the way clear to build a good relationship, and takes out the stumbling blocks of cruelty, bringing the other person down because you know their vulnerabilities, or punishing them for unmet needs. It makes couple counselling and living as a partnership much easier, more powerful, real, and beautiful. John Donlon I have created an amazing process called The Success Process. Sometimes I use this with couples. The Success Process works on hierarchy of criteria. For example, if you are part of a couple, which is more important to you – 1) Working Together, OR 2) Getting what you want? The two things might seem like the same thing, but in reality they are very different indeed. A person who puts "Getting what I want", as their number 1 criteria in a relationship - will usually do so by demand, bullying, harsh language, condescension, disgust, isolating techniques, cold shouldering, shouting, impatience - and this is war, not peace. In a relationship, this simply runs the other person down, destroys empathy, and creates distance between couples. Even if they achieve things in this way, it is not by definition a loving relationship; and if they attribute success to violence - they believe violence works and will continue presumably in the same way, making the other person's life miserable. So they believe, "Violence works." But it is not love. Truly "Working Together" is very different indeed. It means the person puts "Working Together" as their number 1 criteria over and above "Getting what they want." This does not do away with "Getting what they want" as their number 2 criteria, but it creates a very healthy, mutual and loving relationship dynamic indeed. The structure is really simple: 1. Working together. 2. Getting what I want. This order of criteria is a very different way of relating to another person. If a person puts “Working Together,” as their number 1 criteria, as most important to me - and "Getting what I want," as their number 2 criteria - subjective to working together, that creates a law of mutuality, of real connection, and of relationship and life building. It creates respect, awareness, sensitivity, kindness, co-operation. It also asks the questions - Does the other person want to work with me? Have we - or can we create a mutual outcome? Am I accepting and supportive of their vulnerabilities and potential as the human being they are? And are they ready and in a space to do so now? This creates a state of playfulness, serious intent, and creativity. Working together and Getting what you want are not mutually exclusive, but if they are in the wrong order, if you or anyone else puts Getting What I Want above Working Together - that is poisonous and can destroy even the most potentially loving relationship in an instant. The formula: 1. Getting what I want. 2. Working together. Results in an attitude which can be expressed, "God damn you do my bidding!" type of approach. Putting Working Together really on top 1. Working Together 2. Getting what I want Results in kindness, respect, a willingness to seek agreement, and to focus on the same goal in a way which co-operates and works with each other as different people, and is a firm way of creating friendship and collaboration. If you want a good relationship with your partner, to build them up, to build up your relationship, and to build up and create your life together, you may want to ask yourself this question - "Which order do I place these two criteria in - which order is more important to me - Working Together - or Getting What I Want?" If you have read this article, with possibly new awareness, you may know that asking this question is like asking, "Do I want to really work with my partner, or bully them?" So you may decide to put these two definite criteria in the right order 1. Working Together 2. Getting What I want As you have now discovered one of the secrets to a really long-lasting, present, loving relationship together. To book your London or Bath Couple Counselling appointment contact us on 0800 024 8647 John Donlon To the outside world your relationship appears perfect. Beautiful family. Loving couple. Successful. Happy. Yet, truth behind closed doors may be very different. You and your partner are drifting apart. Arguments, affairs, dissatisfied sex life, resentments, pain and hurt are behind the closed doors of your relationship. You smile, yet your heart is breaking. You want deeper connection yet you feel lonely. You seek intimacy yet you experience detachment. You try to fix the issues yet you can't. This is because you can not solve relationship issues and patterns with the same level of thinking that created them. Perhaps you have even been to other couple counsellors or relationship coaches with little or no success. Your arguments and relationship issues simply hide a bigger truth. Underneath are deep relationship patterns at play. You have two options. Continue as you are and risk causing further damage to your relationship. Risk breaking up your family. Or you can begin to see the truth of your relationship and you are deeply unhappy and are simply surviving and there are steps you can take. STEPS The first step is to go to couple counselling. The second step is acknowledging that you are deeply unhappy and you are simply surviving. The third step is to take a risk. Talk openly and honestly. Begin to see the real relationship dynamics at play. The forth step is to learn. Learn how to communicate. How to resolve relationship issues. How to appreciate each other's differences. How to start to work together as a team. The fifth step is to make a commitment. To put energy and life back in the relationship. To not take things for granted. To bring love, passion and fun back in your life and relationship. Now that it's powerful. Many couples enter couple counselling in fear. They are confused and alone are worried that their issues can not be resolved. When you recognise that you have choices that path no longer seems so daunting and with the right level of support you take the necessary steps to go from relationship crisis into relationship strength and love. Many couples that come to work with us at the Heart of Relationships after working unsuccessfully with other couple counsellors and relationship coaches. They feel frustrated and worried that their relationship hasn't seen the changes that they wanted to happen, they are still fighting and arguing and going around in a cycle of anger, love, frustration and even loneliness at times. However they are still hopefully that they can overcome their issues to find a new loving way forward.
This is how we can help - we provide a space for you to do just that as a London couple counsellor, relationship coach and communication expert. Space seems to imply nothingness, but when I say the space to change - you may have noticed when people talk, they talk over each other, each one trying to get their own point, their own partial view, across to the other. If we're not heard we raise our voice, perhaps with the thought that if we speak louder, are angrier, that will carry our message through. And sometimes it does. More often what happens is that after an argument people process what has happened a bit, but then come back to you with more reasons and justifications for the way the are feeling, or what they are doing - even if what they're doing seems cruel or destructive. When this happens couples can feel at a loss as to how to move forwards. At the Heart of Relationships, imagine someone sitting with both of you, who is trained to listen - who has trained not just to listen with their ears but their heart and mind and body to resonate with what you are saying and enter deeply into your world, who is totally receptive and just wants to really understand you. Now imagine this person sitting in with the two of you, listening in this way, magnifying what you are saying in front of your partner - and teaching your partner to listen to you in the same undefended, receptive, totally accepting and deep way. And imagine your partner willingly do this - as they want a better relationship and out of real love for themselves and for you.. This is part of what I mean when I say I give you the space to change - it's much more than space - although you can feel it in the air, and there are explicit suggestions I make to help you and your partner along in this space - with these qualities and this dynamic where you are both unfolding and coming together, real shifts and movement can and inevitably takes place when couples come to The Heart of Relationships. If and when you are ready - this is what I want for you - that you can use this space to create a better relationship and take what you do to create a better life. And this is just the beginning. We will share even more powerful, clarifying and empowering relationship building tools which put into your hands the abilities to change - and walk with you on a step by step process to do that - as you implement those changes into the heart of your relationship so you come together as a couple and work together as powerful partnership. The issues you face are not a negative road-block but the positive opportunities to make your lives better. Ready to take the next step? If you want to stop arguing in a way which you don't feel heard and on issues where you don't feel together - and come into a space where you are heard, and hear each other - a space where you come closer together for the things you both want in your relationship, call John on 0800 024 8647 or Linda on 0753 421 3557 to speak about how you can transform your situation today. It may seem obvious, but sometimes people act and behave as if they will get what they want by being negative, judgmental, cruel, punishing, or isolating.
This is especially true for people who may have had negative, judgmental, punishing, or isolating parents, partners, friends and lovers. As parents, the more we tell a child, "Don't do this, don't do that, especially don't put your feet up here, don't go down that path," the more "don'ts' " we say - without giving a positive outcome, the more confused a child will get. This means the child won't know what to do, how to behave, nor what action to take. Yet as soon as a positive outcome is described - the child knows then right where to go and usually goes for it. It is the same with all relationships and with adult relationships especially. It is vital to have a positive outcome, behind everything. And I do mean everything. When asked about what couples want in this way, from saying what they don't want or don't like, couples have to move to what they do like and what they do want. And until they can state their goals positively, no forward movement can happen. But when they do, then things become not only so much easier, but clearer, with more direction, more energy behind them, and move forwards much much more quickly. Arguments too can be negative or positive. Indeed, some arguments are masterclasses in destroying the other person and destroying the relationship. What we teach at the Heart of Relationships is to have a positive outcome in mind at the very start of your argument. Then you can argue in a very different way. You might like to try this for yourself. Of course, this won't stop other people arguing negatively. They might simply act like they want to be right, win the argument, and do whatever it takes to do that - however much it costs. People like this can start arguing about something small and in seconds bring the argument to a dimension which will destroy the relationship, the other person, and the future, taking "evidence" to support a negative outcome in the present and for the future, from having a bad judgmental attitude about their partner and the past. Frequently the self-consciousness that they actually are being judgmental and negative about their partner, the past, the present, the future, and this situation, is completely missing in a haze of blaming, and likewise any attempted communication - however innocent, positive, or clear - is also taken in the same way and seen as criticism. They effective pace failure from the past into the future. And until the person changes and comes out of state, they are virtually impossible to work with. They need to be their own drivers. The need and wish for change can only come from them. Listening is not an option when the other person is blaming and hears everything you are saying as blaming them. This not only limits the conversation it effectively blocks any way forwards, permanently or temporarily. What is going on is likely to be not only they are not hearing you but repeating a primal pattern from their childhood or when they were younger from a major carer in their lives where they really were criticized, blamed and punished. This is especially true for those who have had negative, critical, isolating mothers or fathers when they were young. Despite being a pattern originating from childhood, often the person's adult mind has rationalizations why they are being cruel, blaming, and punishing and supports this pattern. The negative pattern may be limited to certain areas, or can play a much bigger role in the personality constellation and the person's life - and consequently their partners'. Or both people can have this pattern of negativity, blame, and punishment, without a positive outcome in arguments. And this is life destroying. Literally. Not only is it life-destroying, it is literally a waste of precious time people could be building up their lives, working together, being more intimate, having more fun, building up themselves and the other person. Quite simply, it is not only unenlightened, it is foolish to spend hours or days or weeks on maneuvers which isolate oneself from one's most intimate partner - and destroying the relationship, the other person - and it is wasting their time too. And squandering the present and what the present can be. The sensible thing is to learn from the past, live in the present constructively, and build a really good future together. A major shift we encourage and celebrate at the Heart of Relationships is when the person's adult mind begins to be aware and wants to change negativity and uses their intelligence in a new way. So that instead of supporting a negative pattern, their adult self throws all its resources, intelligence and wisdom to creating a new positive pattern and way of being, for a more integrated, whole, creative and playful pattern, which they - and consequently their partners and most intimate relationships - can grow out of. Simple as this sounds, I know many many people including therapists who don't live their relationships by this simple piece of information. But in this way, people who come to the Heart of Relationships are more advanced than anyone who has a negative outcome as their priority for relationships, arguments, and living - because they want a positive outcome and are aware of and working on themselves to achieve this now. This is why working with couples who are aware is such a pleasure - from this awareness and from wanting something different miraculous things are possible. If you are reading this, there is a good chance you are already ahead of the game and have this attitude, and that is a place where real movement can happen. At the Heart of Relationships we are here to support you build this attitude and share with you the skills, tools and experiences you can have which can change your life and relationship, in ways in which you can build and create more beautiful experiences, working together, supporting each other. And by our attitudes and the way we live our lives we live our talk, and create a space for you to do this. If this is something you would like to do by approaching whatever issues you are dealing with in a way which is positive and expands your insight, wisdom, connection, and creativity, call Linda on 0753 421 3557 or John on 0800 024 8647 where we shall look forwards to sharing your journey, and be guided by you to help you both create the amazing relationship and life you truly want and are capable of, when you are ready to take the first step. Click here for more information on the London Couple counselling programme John Donlon - Couple Counsellor and Relationship Coach |
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