We all tell ourselves stories about ourselves, other people, events, our partner. What we say to ourselves, if not questioned, becomes our reality. And we can even believe our thoughts are objective reality.
Whatever we say to ourselves, in whatever tone, we will have a corresponding physiological reaction, which is completely congruent and matches our inner voice.
If you want to understand someone and why they are the way they are, it's important to listen to their inner voice and the stories they are telling themselves - and then we can understand their physiological reaction to what they are telling themselves, we can understand the way they are in the world and the way they are expressing themselves, what they are feeling in reaction to what they are telling themselves, how they are holding their body in line with that inner voice - and we can recognize that how they are responding to what they are telling themselves on all levels is absolutely congruent with what they are saying to themselves, with the way that they are saying it, and the stories they telling themselves - and their visualizations.
What impresses me about the Dali Lama, or the people I work with who are genuinely committed to the love of Good, is just that: their commitment to the love of Good.
What also impresses me, is that they question their thoughts.
And in the nature of their high grade questioning and exploration of their thoughts, new possibilities open up.
It is almost as if a new energy and force which enlightens the workings of the heart and mind issues forth from the soul and dawns on earth, where the person stands in their own beauty, power and aliveness, and their presence - their vision, their voice, their tone, their meaning, the stories they tell themselves out of what create, blesses the earth.
When the Dali Lama was asked what was his religion, he replied: "Kindness."
Here was a man at peace. Peace is not a static state, it is an attitude towards things which are constantly changing, which embodies courage and fortitutde to change them for the better, in the love of Good.
In relationships, one of the things I do in couple counselling out of love is to increase possibilities for good, for reparation, for healing wounds, for love and connection, so couples can learn to come to put away criticism, blame and punishment - firstly through self-awareness and then through their desire for an amazing relationship.
The underpinnings of the love of good and awareness offers some indications of the ways I work with couples.
In practice this means using modern day therapeutic approaches and techniques enabling you to explore your interactions in a way which makes things clear for both of you, building a bridge between your differing communication styles, love strategies, and building a bridge between the differences in the order of importance to each of you, of your goals.
To do this, I start with awareness.
Do you want to be really connected with your partner?
Before their is connection, there needs to be separation. And before separation, there needs to be awareness.
If we have little or no self-awareness in relationships, we live in the illusion that other people should know us, what we need, should read our minds - without communication, without communication skills, without seeing who they really are, without love.....without...without...the list is endless...
What does self-awareness mean?
To be self-aware means to notice differences. It means to acknowledge the reality that I am a separate individual form you. It means to notice other people communicate in different ways from me. Are turned on by different things: by different visualizations, different sounds, different tones, different stories, different touches. And that they are hurt by different things from me.
In reaching someone's love strategy for example, even the sequence of these things - which comes first for them - is important. Someone will need to be looked at in a certain way, for another person touch is important, and for yet another person, the tone of someone's voice is important. Of course, all of these things are important. But generally one thing - a touch, a sound, seeing something - opens the vault for one person for all the other things to come in.
What does self-awareness make possible?
Knowing we are separate and how different we are, is one of the first steps, to really being able to see the other person as they are, to hear what the other person is really saying.
Then we can listen to the language of their communication style and receive their kindness and love, with an appreciation of our own which expands the gift in our heart, so we have it to give out to them and to the world.
Self-awareness is the end of the illusion that the other person is like us when they are not. It is the end of the illusion that they should just "know" what we feel, that they should how to behave towards us, how to please us, meet our needs, what makes us happy.
It is end of the illusion that they are merely an extension of us, when they are their own person, with their own way of being, and their own free will.
And it is the beginning of the awareness that other people are not mind-readers - no matter how long we have spent with them. "Time" is no substitute for learning how to bridge different communication styles! in fact, time does nothing - learning how to actually do this means everything.
Opening up a bridge and connection with others and with our partner
When we start with self-awareness and then go on to learn how other people work, how they communicate, how they process the world - as we recognize in what ways we are different from them, and they from us, when we acknowledge deeply that we are separate human beings in reality, this opens up the possibility for us being of able to really "bridge" that gap, and connect with them in reality - by learning tools such as listening skills, communication skills, and relationship building skills - all of which enables us to really begin working together.
You can begin to speak their language. And they can begin to speak yours, in the deepest sense.
The "gap" of human individuality which exists between every person then becomes the grounds where I as an individual can really meet and encounter you as an individual.
It can become the space, and source, even the playground, of our deepest communion with our partner; and with other people.
This makes us infinitely richer. It is even part of the keys, to the kingdom of heaven here on earth.
At Couple Counselling Success that is a large part of what I have devoted my life to and specialize in, in helping couples create that "bridge" together, out of a strong foundation of two individuals fulfilling their own life, blessing and working together, in a spirit of love which encompasses who they truly are.
In this way couples can go beyond themselves together to create a miraculous dialogue, dance, spiritual, movement and life together; they can go on a journey together, which expands who they are as a person and as a couple together.
Bringing life-coaching to relationship coaching also means couples have a practical step by step process which gives them a solid foundation and working understanding to build and build their lives.
Individual work alongside Couple Counselling: What to do if you are single and want to change destructive relationship patterns?
The self discovery relationship programme can help.
It is also possible, negativity, blame and destructive behavior can be a part of a pattern that even the most mentally enlightened of people are aware of. Awareness is the first step. Working on what you are aware of about yourself is the second.
Some mentally enlightened people may be aware of what they are doing, but are still governed (because of their childhood experiences and imprinting) by negative destructive behavior patterns, which keep hurting or destroying otherwise promising and sometimes really good relationships.
Although new material, wisdom, and skills are added as the person learns and gets older - this may not change the behavior - and they may still in their most intimate relationships act very destructively, cruelly, with catastrophic thinking and blame - and in a way which they may do with no other human being on the planet.
This is what we call a person's deep-relationship pattern. If you have seen Father Ted, the shop-keeper and his wife are a comic but exaggerated very real example of this.
In the Heart of Relationships we can give you the tools to make deep transformations and heal on all levels, so that change is permanent, and for the better. You will no longer be governed by anger, blame and destructive patterns which threaten to destroy your relationships.
If you are aware that you sometimes do this - if you start arguments and then take them to a level which threatens to destroy the relationship - your awareness and desire for something better, already means you have taken the first step inwardly to do something about it. The second step is to make that call to a relationship expert you feel drawn to.
In the Heart of Relationships Self Discovery Relationship Programme you can experience the rewards of positivity, generosity, insight, kindness, in a relationship building program which feels really good.
The bonus is that the part of you or your partner, or both of you, which needed love - and attempted to get it by blame, negativity and destroying the other person - with the right skills and knowledge - can be healed and come together with adult wisdom and knowledge, to create something beautiful.
You can become very strong as an individual. And in changing yourself you do what needs to be done on your side to change the relationship.
When a person does this they are truly enlightened, not only on a mental level, but all through their being. They can become aligned, and are true to the way we see them.
The image we have of them, in public and in their most private intimate relationships, behind closed doors, is real, good, positive, aware, and loving. In fact when two people are doing this, this radiates out from their deepest relationship to the world.
If this resonates with you and you would like to make changes which are real and lasting, and you would like to turn around the issues you are facing to create a powerful partnership, call 0800 024 8647 or 07960 214 336 to take the first step today, and tell us about the issues you would like to solve, and we will show you what you can do to change your relationship and make your life amazing.
Do you want an amazing sex life?
This is a really serious question. If the answer is yes, and you have got into the habit of denying sexual connection and intimacy in your life with your partner - then it's time to focus on what you want.
Purely out of self-interest, this will serve you and add a connection and aliveness to your relationship with yourself and your partner, which will flow and enrich the your life in many other areas too.
The myth of Eros
The understanding of the important of sex in our culture and among many people - including therapists and sexual experts - trivializes not only sex but the meaning of life.
To redisover the meaning and importance of sexual energy many couples have lost in our culture and in their lives in sexless relationships, we can see how disinterest in sex leads to a subtlely and sometimes not so subtlely impoverished life and soul and relationship - in the wisdom of the Ancient Greeks and the legend of Eros.
In our culture we know Eros as a baby-faced cherub from television adverts, who mischievously fires his arrows and makes people fall in love. This is a very poor understanding of Eros - and is far from the original and true meaning of the myth which comes from Ancient Greece. A myth which can teach us of how to live our lives and relationships better if we listen to it with understanding and passion and meaning for our own lives - and connect with ourselves, our partner, our sexuality, creativity and love, to lead a richer and fulfilling life.
In the anciet Greek myth Eros was only a baby faced cupid when he was on his own. When he was with his brother, Passion, he was a full grown man - and as a full grown man his arrows plumetted to earth and caused life and grain to flourish and thrive throughout the earth.
In the Ancient Greek myth, Eros with Passion is the very Force and Source and Energy of creation and life itself. The force in the grain which causes the grain to flower and flourish on earth.
One of the saints called the force of Eros "the power which drives a man towards God."
The Greeks understood this sexual energy and the love of good which also imbues human creativity and spiritual-organic well-being.
And this is why in sexless relationships - the cure is Passion for love and creativity combined with sexual energy which makes human being and human existence whole.
The myth is really clear - it tells those who are in a sexless relationship to get serious and passionate about sexual energy and creativity and identifies the energies as deeply connected with living to our potential in every area of our life.
Our sexuality connects with the very meaning of our life, represented in the energy which causes the grain - the very fruit of life - to germinate and give life on earth through the sunlight.
And this is not just a metaphor - whether I have sex or not - when I am deeply connected to my sexual energy I am creative - and when I deny my sexual energy - my creativity dies too. And how much more in relationships between two people!
If any person doesn't live out the wonder of this energy in their own life with integrity and love and passion for meaning - then they may help other people become sexual being or whatever - but they are not living out their own potential - and so they are really missing the point.
At the heart of relationships we work to give you the richness of your life and psycho-spiritual-sexual-physical connection with yourself and your partner back in all its glories.
We give you strategies which are practical and come in communication, listening, and speaking skills, relationship building, male-female dynamics, and building a bridge and connection of understanding yourself as individuals and how you work together.
We teach you to support each other's individual fulfillment and the fulfillment of a beautiful, whole relationship.
We help you to understand you have to work at it consciously and invest with love and passion to keep it fully alive.
We help couples who have fallen asleep sexually wake up to sexual energy and the richness of their lives by giving them homework which builds up their romantic and fun connection.
We provide relationship and sexual therapy which is highly practical and at the same time each program is tailored to each individual and to understanding, building and developing the unique connection between you and your partner, in simple step by step and easy to understand exercises, which involve NLP, mindfulness, relationship buillding, and positve well-formed outcomes, with underpinnings which bring out the connections and richness of your lives, in a holistic way, where you can see measurable results in your lives, and which we will help you plan together at the very start of therapy.
John Donlon works to restore relationships and build connection at The Heart of Relationships.
Couple Relationship and Relationship Coaching at Couple Counselling Success goes beyond the normal traditional approach. We blend ancient wisdom, experience with modern day therapeutic techniques such as Counselling, psychotherapy, Relationship Coaching, Life Coaching and NLP.
We can help
Very often couples both want a loving and supportive relationship, but do not have the skills, experience or knowledge to create this. Relationship patterns are repeated time and time again.
As these patterns are repeated resentment may build up, and couples may grow further and further apart. They may want to stay together, but can also find themselves feeling frustrated, hurt, and imagining fulfilling their lives in other ways than in the relationship.
If you are at this point, and want to solve the issues in your relationship, and come closer together and really work as a couple then couple relationship coaching can help.
What you will learn
Couple Counselling and Relationship Coaching gives you the tools and experience of really communicating with each other in a respectful, honest, and positive ways.
You will learn how to create goals and ways to support each other, comprise, be valued and valuing your partner.
You will make the differences between you powerful plus points, and magnify the things you share in common as you form a truly powerful partnership, and build a fulfilling and enjoyable life together.
What you will achieve
Too often couples feel unheard by their partner. They communicate but the other puts their point of view acorss without listening to the other. We teach you how to communicate with honesty, truth, dignity and love.
It takes special training to hear someone communicate in their own right. Very few people can listen to another person without their own thoughts, prejudices, values, beliefs, wishes and desires coming into and clouding the picture.
At Couple Counselling Success we teach you advance communication skills so you can really listen to your partner in a way which opens out the channel of communication to what they are saying.
You will be given simple step-by-step experiential guidance on how to do this, and and by listening authentically, whilst being in your own space, you will find your conversation, communication, body language, and relationship healed, improved, and vastly more enjoyable.
When you are standing truly as yourself, are truly heard, and supported in your life course as who you truly are, and your partner is experiencing the same things, it is often at this point radical and subtle shifts happen, Both partners begin to really see, accommodate and work with their partner's coming into being, in a rather beautiful, enjoyable way, which leads them naturally forwards, in a growing relationship together.
This may happen in many ways, depending on what each person and couple wants and needs. We have seen couples change in ways which may seem small, but which have had dramatic effects on all levels.
We have seen the transformation in people's lives expand out in complex webs to to other areas of their lives as they work through issues, that make their lives richer, fuller, more enjoyable and worth living.
Above all, each solution is unique to you.
Above all, we like challenge. The more problems and issues you bring the more problems can be solved, the deeper the solutions you will find, and the more potential will be released for you to experience truly living your lives together in new, more happy, stronger, real, stable, dynamic, and positive ways.
We are specialists at crisis intervention and helping you turn things around, as well as giving couples who want to re-ignite that spark the skills to make a good relationship even better, and a loving relationship even more brilliant.
This is because we look for the solutions in therapy, and we model excellence - we will help you discover and build your own authentic solutions and give you the skills to excel in life.
We realise that the issues in a relationship provide the opportunities for couples to become even more loving and grow even stronger as a partnership together.
So if you want to create a more powerful partnership, and a step by step approach to building a compelling future together, call us today on 0800 024 8647 or complete the contact form below.
At the Heart of Relationships when we work with couples once common theme and pattern that emerges time and time again is that some couples often do not work together as a team.
They have separate goals, ideas and thoughts about their lives and relationship which does not compliment their partners goals, ideas and thoughts.
Men and women are different and this can at time brings tension and issues into the relationship and marriage. The couples can talk, argue and discus at arm's length but many couples do they do have true communication skills and this leads to fight and arguments about money, sex, chores and family.
During the relationship coaching and couple counselling programme this is where we can help with a step by step programme to help you to work together as a team and a couple and to:
Many relationships and marriages are facing problems because the couple lack the necessary skills to maintain and sustain the relationship.
To discover how to break out of that cycle and create a happy and fulfilled relationship call us today on 075 3421557.
John offers relationship advice, solutions and share their thoughts on love, relationships, marriage and intimacy.