How to develop amazing strength, be present and be committed to positive change - by noticing your "exit points"
How one woman changed her exit point with her son
I once worked with a lady, whose problem was that her 10 year old son was ruling the roost. Tragically, he had lost his father 3 months beforehand, and she was struggling to find a way to deal with her son. When I asked her what was happening, she said, "Every time he gets angry, I just can't stand it!" I asked, "What happens next?" "Well, then, he just get's his way!"
This was not the story of a problem child, but a parent who just needed a little understanding to hold the family dynamic together.
If every time her son got angry, she "exited" from the situation and collapsed, well obviously then she was giving up her power. No wonder her son ruled the roost.
It was time for her to make the decision to be present, whatever her son did. To make the decision, not to collapse.
And when she did this, things radically changed.
Exit points in relationships
Relationships can have a similar pattern. Have you ever simply left the room at the very start of a disagreement? Has this happened so many times that it has started to become a pattern? Has the pattern then become one of frustration, feeling unheard and more distant?
If one or both partners "exits" at the merest hint of disagreement or argument, then nothing is going to get deeply resolved.
Both people need to commit to "being there," to be really present, to work things through, if a relationship is going to work on a deeper level.
That means as arguments come up, making a conscious decision to argue positively and seeing them through to a resolution which brings you closer together - and not completely exit too early - which means you are gone! and you will never have the experience of changing behavior and gaining new experiences beyond that exit point.
So one of the problems I sometimes find I need to address, is one or both of the couple's "exit" points.
And like I say, if one or both partners exit too early in an argument, then the process is aborted and nothing gets resolved. This tends to keep the cycle of non-communication, frustration, distance, despair and hopeless going, incidentally, and resolves nothing.
Especially in relation to anger, if one or both partners keeps walking away every time they or their partner get angry, there are an awful lot of problems that are not going to be solved, and an awful lot of possibilities for good experiences in life they are going to short-circuit and miss out on.
Or sometimes we see couples where one person has a pattern of leaving an argument - or threatening to leave the relationship - when they don't get their way, this is a very controlling thing to do. And that blocks the ability of learning to compromise and have a real, mutual, healthy relationship too!
This is kind to no-one, lease of all themselves.
But, bit by bit, as we learn with couples their issues and we guide them as to identify these issues, dismantle these problems, and behave in different ways, more wonderful things can happen.
How you can change the way you argue -Teaching at the Heart of Relationships
We teach you how:
In our experience, changing a part of the problem - such as changing your exit points, perspectives, and clarifying positive outcomes - allows in the possibility for every single one of the teachings above to become practical heartfelt realities in your life and relationships.
John and Linda work as the Heart of Relationships in London and Somerset. Please call 0800 024 8647 or 07960 214 336 if you would like to speak with us.
THE RELATIONSHIP EXPERTS International Relationship Experts John Donlon and Linda Connors have over 30 experience between them. They offer powerful and life changing relationship couple counselling and personal development programmes. They work with individuals and couples in the UK, America, Europe and Australia. If you are in relationship crisis are ready to take the first step into saving your relationship you can contact us on 0800 024 86 47.
Linda and John offer relationship advice, solutions and share their thoughts on love, relationships, marriage and intimacy.
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