We all tell ourselves stories about ourselves, other people, events, our partner. What we say to ourselves, if not questioned, becomes our reality. And we can even believe our thoughts are objective reality.
Whatever we say to ourselves, in whatever tone, we will have a corresponding physiological reaction, which is completely congruent and matches our inner voice.
If you want to understand someone and why they are the way they are, it's important to listen to their inner voice and the stories they are telling themselves - and then we can understand their physiological reaction to what they are telling themselves, we can understand the way they are in the world and the way they are expressing themselves, what they are feeling in reaction to what they are telling themselves, how they are holding their body in line with that inner voice - and we can recognize that how they are responding to what they are telling themselves on all levels is absolutely congruent with what they are saying to themselves, with the way that they are saying it, and the stories they telling themselves - and their visualizations.
What impresses me about the Dali Lama, or the people I work with who are genuinely committed to the love of Good, is just that: their commitment to the love of Good.
What also impresses me, is that they question their thoughts.
And in the nature of their high grade questioning and exploration of their thoughts, new possibilities open up.
It is almost as if a new energy and force which enlightens the workings of the heart and mind issues forth from the soul and dawns on earth, where the person stands in their own beauty, power and aliveness, and their presence - their vision, their voice, their tone, their meaning, the stories they tell themselves out of what create, blesses the earth.
When the Dali Lama was asked what was his religion, he replied: "Kindness."
Here was a man at peace. Peace is not a static state, it is an attitude towards things which are constantly changing, which embodies courage and fortitutde to change them for the better, in the love of Good.
In relationships, one of the things I do in couple counselling out of love is to increase possibilities for good, for reparation, for healing wounds, for love and connection, so couples can learn to come to put away criticism, blame and punishment - firstly through self-awareness and then through their desire for an amazing relationship.
The underpinnings of the love of good and awareness offers some indications of the ways I work with couples.
In practice this means using modern day therapeutic approaches and techniques enabling you to explore your interactions in a way which makes things clear for both of you, building a bridge between your differing communication styles, love strategies, and building a bridge between the differences in the order of importance to each of you, of your goals.
To do this, I start with awareness.
Do you want to be really connected with your partner?
Before their is connection, there needs to be separation. And before separation, there needs to be awareness.
If we have little or no self-awareness in relationships, we live in the illusion that other people should know us, what we need, should read our minds - without communication, without communication skills, without seeing who they really are, without love.....without...without...the list is endless...
What does self-awareness mean?
To be self-aware means to notice differences. It means to acknowledge the reality that I am a separate individual form you. It means to notice other people communicate in different ways from me. Are turned on by different things: by different visualizations, different sounds, different tones, different stories, different touches. And that they are hurt by different things from me.
In reaching someone's love strategy for example, even the sequence of these things - which comes first for them - is important. Someone will need to be looked at in a certain way, for another person touch is important, and for yet another person, the tone of someone's voice is important. Of course, all of these things are important. But generally one thing - a touch, a sound, seeing something - opens the vault for one person for all the other things to come in.
What does self-awareness make possible?
Knowing we are separate and how different we are, is one of the first steps, to really being able to see the other person as they are, to hear what the other person is really saying.
Then we can listen to the language of their communication style and receive their kindness and love, with an appreciation of our own which expands the gift in our heart, so we have it to give out to them and to the world.
Self-awareness is the end of the illusion that the other person is like us when they are not. It is the end of the illusion that they should just "know" what we feel, that they should how to behave towards us, how to please us, meet our needs, what makes us happy.
It is end of the illusion that they are merely an extension of us, when they are their own person, with their own way of being, and their own free will.
And it is the beginning of the awareness that other people are not mind-readers - no matter how long we have spent with them. "Time" is no substitute for learning how to bridge different communication styles! in fact, time does nothing - learning how to actually do this means everything.
Opening up a bridge and connection with others and with our partner
When we start with self-awareness and then go on to learn how other people work, how they communicate, how they process the world - as we recognize in what ways we are different from them, and they from us, when we acknowledge deeply that we are separate human beings in reality, this opens up the possibility for us being of able to really "bridge" that gap, and connect with them in reality - by learning tools such as listening skills, communication skills, and relationship building skills - all of which enables us to really begin working together.
You can begin to speak their language. And they can begin to speak yours, in the deepest sense.
The "gap" of human individuality which exists between every person then becomes the grounds where I as an individual can really meet and encounter you as an individual.
It can become the space, and source, even the playground, of our deepest communion with our partner; and with other people.
This makes us infinitely richer. It is even part of the keys, to the kingdom of heaven here on earth.
At Couple Counselling Success that is a large part of what I have devoted my life to and specialize in, in helping couples create that "bridge" together, out of a strong foundation of two individuals fulfilling their own life, blessing and working together, in a spirit of love which encompasses who they truly are.
In this way couples can go beyond themselves together to create a miraculous dialogue, dance, spiritual, movement and life together; they can go on a journey together, which expands who they are as a person and as a couple together.
Bringing life-coaching to relationship coaching also means couples have a practical step by step process which gives them a solid foundation and working understanding to build and build their lives.
THE RELATIONSHIP EXPERTS International Relationship Experts John Donlon and Linda Connors have over 30 experience between them. They offer powerful and life changing relationship couple counselling and personal development programmes. They work with individuals and couples in the UK, America, Europe and Australia. If you are in relationship crisis are ready to take the first step into saving your relationship you can contact us on 0800 024 86 47.
John offers relationship advice, solutions and share their thoughts on love, relationships, marriage and intimacy.