One of the mistake many people make in their relationship is that they try to form and mould the other person in a way this fits their needs, hopes and desires.
On a unconscious level they are sending out a message that says "If you want to be special to me, if you want me to love you then you must meet my conditions. The moment you fail to meet these you lose my love".
It's a very controlling way to live and be in relationships and most people do not realise they are doing it.
Some couples try to get all their needs met from just the one person - their partner. A few years ago we lived in communities, neighbours knew each other, it was easier to visit family and friends - we had a bigger support network that was there to help us when we needed it. In our changing times many of us try to get all our needs meet by the one person.
You must dance to my tune so I can get all my needs meet. You must have these values, car, house, financial security, ambitions, goals and so on - only then will I love you.
What a huge pressure that places on the relationship and the person. It's unrealistic and very difficult to maintain.
One of the greatest gifts you can give your partner is the freedom to be who they are.
Without any fears, judgements, condition or controls.
This is true love.
Anthony De Mollo in his book The Way to Love suggests saying this;
I leave you to be free to be yourself;
To think your thoughts,
Indulge your tastes,
Follow your inclinations,
Behave in ways that you decide are to your liking.
In order to create this freedom for your partner you must be willing to create freedom for yourself.
To let go of attachments, fears, jealously, manipulation, judgements, conditions and control.
Once you have offered this gift and freedom to your partner you then have the capacity to break free from yourself. To allow your heart and love to grow with freedom. Unconditionally, whole and expanding.
That's the greatest gift you give to your partner - the freedom to be who they truly are. To follow their own drum, their own dance. Then the two of you will meet. Two dances emerging to create something truly beautiful.
Do you need relationship support?
John Donlon and Linda Connors help couples to experience more love, connection and joy in their relationship - on a very deep, profound and transformational way.
For more information on couple counselling in London and Bath please call us on +44 (0) 753 421 3557.
THE RELATIONSHIP EXPERTS International Relationship Experts John Donlon and Linda Connors have over 30 experience between them. They offer powerful and life changing relationship couple counselling and personal development programmes. They work with individuals and couples in the UK, America, Europe and Australia. If you are in relationship crisis are ready to take the first step into saving your relationship you can contact us on 0800 024 86 47.
John offers relationship advice, solutions and share their thoughts on love, relationships, marriage and intimacy.