In the six steps to anger, from frustration to demand, to blame and punishment - it is essential not to use your friends to punish your partner, either by taking your friend aside quietly and giving them all your negativity - and not by your friends being negative against your partner when you are having an argument.
What happens if you do - is that your partner will feel that person is toxic - and feel uncomfortable with them and your relationship with them - and that's probably not a dynamic you want in your life, right?
If the friend is a closer family member, like a sister or a brother - then you might want to think a little before you involve them in this way - as this could introduce a toxicity into your life which could be there for a long time.
Basically, it may be getting out your anger towards your partner, your disappointments, your frustrations and hurts out with a friend. Having done this, you may feel a lot better, a lot more in a position to go back to your partner and work things out. Or not? Unless your friend is a trained counsellor who can deal personally with their own life in a highly skilled way - they may take on your negativity - albeit it your temporary negativity - towards your partner, pretty much permanently. Maybe putting on a face when they meet your partner and trying to act as if nothing has happened - but they may develop and hold a bad attitude about your partner - even if you then want to build the relationship up with your partner and heal it - and even if you do - your friend may not be your friend in a life-giving supportive way which goes beyond whatever you've shared or said. You would've given some of your baggage to carry. And they may carry it, regardless of how you move on.
So in the end, when and if you do move on to a better place with your partner, that friend - unless they can really shift and change too - is going to be carrying a really unhelpful energy towards your fulfillment in this world as it relates to your relationship.
Not helplful. Not helpful at all.
So instead, you may want to actually make a point - if you need to vent your anger, frustrations, disappointments, hurts to someone - find someone who can actually process it in a way which is deeply in love with everyone living their life in the best and most generous way possible. This may be a counsellor or a therapist. Friends who can really do this and practice this, are very special and rare indeed.
You may have experienced all these things for yourself?
Out of my own experience, the people I see do best with their partners and their friends - use their friends to up-build their relationship in an honest-to-god-way. They use their friends in a way which is positive, with integrity, adding to the good sides of their relationship with their own positive outcome - having learned how to argue and be in the right way (see The Heart of Relationships Blog on how to argue) - and they tell their partner positive outcomes concerning their friends and their relationship with their partner instead!
If you do this, or are already doing this - then I'm sure you're finding your friends, instead of being toxic to your partner - and hence to your ultimate relationship with them - are a live-giving welcome force around your partner and you - whether your partner sees them or not!
The positive energy is there, right? doing it's job - and it's real.
This is something many sites may not address nor talk about, and it may seem small, but the more you live it the more important it will become and the healthier and longer-lasting! your relationship and friendships will be.
If you are looking for real Couple Relationship Counselling in Bath or London contact us today.
THE RELATIONSHIP EXPERTS International Relationship Experts John Donlon and Linda Connors have over 30 experience between them. They offer powerful and life changing relationship couple counselling and personal development programmes. They work with individuals and couples in the UK, America, Europe and Australia. If you are in relationship crisis are ready to take the first step into saving your relationship you can contact us on 0800 024 86 47.
John offers relationship advice, solutions and share their thoughts on love, relationships, marriage and intimacy.