How to be responsible for your anger in relationships

Being responsible brings you closer together

As a London Couple counsellor and relationship coach more and more recently I've noticed that when people come into close intimate relationship on a one to one basis - their deeper patterns come out, in ways it never comes out in other ways to other people.

We all get angry. Without exception. It's how aware we are, and what we do on the back of that which determines what happens next. 

Both men and women have come to sessions and said, "I was angry so I..." and then they'd recount how they name-called, got physically aggressive, or done something else.

What I noticed, is that instead of an apology, there is usually an explanation and justification for their anger. Without differentiation between legitimate anger, and what they do upon the back of that. It really counts if someone chooses to act and speak constructively on the back of their anger.

So I call clients on name-calling, rage behavior, losing it, and invite them to be responsible for their words and actions and become more of the person they would be proud to have anyone see in their private moments.

And this is part of relationship building.

The other pattern, is running the relationship down, abusing one's partner, and their is always then a "because" whether through disappointments, unmet needs, or simple cruelty. But justification of destructiveness on the back of anger is not an enlightened way of being. And enlightenment leads to greater choice and building a far better relationship, where two people can really create what they want.

Saying "ouch" when something hurts, and saying "sorry" when you are cruel, counts. It's the mark of a mature person striving for a more positive relationship.

It also opens up trust, and confidence when you are real and say "ouch" or "sorry". From there, it is important to want something positive - a positive outcome. It makes the way clear to build a good relationship, and takes out the stumbling blocks of cruelty, bringing the other person down because you know their vulnerabilities, or punishing them for unmet needs. It makes couple counselling and living as a partnership much easier, more powerful, real, and beautiful.

John Donlon

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