How to deal with differences in a relationship

Sometimes when couples come to me for Couple Counselling in London, they are at war. Often it's not that they don't value and respect whatever the other person is putting forwards, but they have their values in a different order than their partner.

For example, one partner may prioritize their child's education, believing this will give them the opportunity to have a good job; another partner may prioritize simply getting a good job and place education way down the scale.

From conflict into alignment

When a couple came to me, at war with these exact issues, I helped them to align to the same values they shared, although in a different order.

They both agreed education was important, and that their daughter getting a job where she was able to live a fulfilling life was also important regardless of the different order they placed these things in.

When they could agree that somewhere along the list of each of their criteria they could tick off the same values - they had peace. Amazingly what happened, was that they found they could work together in perfect harmony, supporting their daughter, and supporting each other to do the best for their daughter.

Often it's not that certain values or criteria are totally unimportant to one partner, it's that certain values or criteria simply aren't held in the same place in the hierarchy of their values as their partner may hold the same value.

Acceptance

When each partner can accept that they still hold the same values somewhere on their list of criteria, that's when a couple can really work together.

If you notice you or your partner arguing about things. Specifically if you notice arguing about which order things "should" be in as the most important, you may discover that by supporting your partner's values and the order that they are in, however different from yours' - gives you an opportunity to work together as a team.

Because it's not the order of importance which is most important, what is important is that somewhere along the line of your hierarchy of criteria of what is important to you - you both share and value the same things.

This is one of the keys to build strong relationships - alignment and acceptance.

John Donlon London Couple Counselling