Relationship Advice If you don't do magic - don't expect to feel it!

Relationships are about Creation.

If you want intimacy, an amazing sex life, working as a team and a successful relationship you both need to step up to create that. The team can be sabotage if one person is unwilling to do that. This usually happens by blame and punishment such as wanting something from their partner - and then expressing irritation, distrust, running the other person down or isolating themselves.

And this is a lonely place to be. To let down one's walls, to be vulnerable, to risk being silly and having fun, one has to open oneself up and be there - and be sensitive and open as well as positive with the other person. If one partner is too busy attacking the other, then the other person is unlikely to be there with unconditional love and support. What is more likely to happen is that a cycle begins which hurts the relationship even more.

As its a relationship, both partners really do need to step up and work together.

So, if you are waiting for your partner to change - before you have fun, have a fantastic sex life, feel connection, become intimate or working as a team building as life together - you are asking permission to change and it's also like saying, "I want love - but you go first!"

Love isn't about that. Love is giving. It's about going first and not blaming the other person in this moment. It's about going for a walk instead of sitting in a room on your own on the computer. It's about getting in touch with your body and feelings and creating a wonderful sex life with your partner - because you want a wonderful life.

It's not about denying intimacy, kindness, sex, money, or whatever else is intrinsic to a good relationship - making the other person feel like hell, and expecting affection from them. That's like driving someone away and expecting them to be close, or expecting closeness - Crazy!

So your relationship is what you create. Once you realise that - as I'm sure you do - then that's half the battle - because you can change your attitude to take power and control of your life and be the person who creates positive changes in your own life and also your relationship.

If you deny your partner intimacy and sex, closeness, consideration, compassion, well you are denying these aspects of your self. If you deny fun in the relationship, you limit the amount of fun in your own life. It's so simple, but absolutely true and self-apparent.

That's why wanting the best for yourself is also wanting the best for your partner too.

We provide London couple counselling and relationship coaching.  Sessions are also available in Bath.  Call us on 0800 024 8647 and begin to create magic in your relationship.

John Donlon