Sometimes you or your partner may argue in a way which really hurts the relationship. The idea may seem to be that the worse you can make the other person feel, the better you will feel, the more your ego will be raised, and the more likely your are going to get what you want from the other person.
Sadly, the reverse is true. It's like ham-stringing a horse and whipping them, expecting them to run faster. The person who behaves in this way hurts the one they love, hurts the relationship, and behaves in a bad way.
If you are the type of person who has a lot of self-awareness, remorse and an apology may follow - and this is a very good thing.
If a person has low self-awareness, the tendency is to justify their bad actions with projections onto the other person - statements like, "If you weren't so.....(you can fill in the blank)....I wouldn't behave so badly (or need to shout, or act in this way)."
They justify their bad behavior without an apology. We may all know people who virtually never apologize. Who can stay angry for days. And this can waste hours, days, weeks and even months and years of their lives - and the lives of their partners and people they are "close" to. I say close to - as I am referring not to closeness but their deep relationship patterns.
For people who are just beginning and have low self-awareness, the other person is the problem.
For people with high self-awareness, they are aware of their actions, and can apologise freely.
Being aware also means they can work on themselves, rather than try to change or blame their partner. By working on themselves, they begin with the qualities they most want from the other person - kindness, positivity, communication, and really are a joy to work with - not because they haven't got problems, but because they are aware of their issues and working on them.
For people who are self-aware, who can apologize, who are working on themselves, and act with positivity, the outcome is usually very good indeed.
Sometimes, though, in a relationship, if only one person is engaged in changing their deep relationship patterns, and the other is bent on destruction - it can be like one person waiting in the middle of a bridge for the other to come over and meet in the middle.
And the other person for their part may be on the sidelines of the river, shouting over, intent on blaming or hating or destroying the relationship, the other person, and ultimately, themselves. It doesn't need to be said, that this is not a helpful nor good way to be.
Fortunately virtually everyone who comes to couple counselling wants to change this, and that is a fantastic beginning.
When they repeat their way of relating in sessions, all of this can be brought to awareness - and with awareness and responsibility - and most of all positivity towards themselves, their relationship and their partner, remarkable transformations can take place - of two people working together, and their meeting in this way building a relationship bridge is a work of beauty to experience.
In the couple counselling in London programme we give you the space, skills, tools and understanding to experience this live in our sessions together.
With regular sessions you can quickly embed these changes into your life, and create an amazing relationship.
If this resonates with you and your partner, you may like to come to a place where there is no blame, there are no "haves", and you are your own drivers for your own deepest wishes and desires.
This space we provide at the Heart of Relationships facilitates you coming together, making connections, and working deeply with one another, in a powerful, fun, positive and often touchingly beautiful way.
With the right approach you can begin to turn around you problems today!
Ready to take the first step?
If you are ready to take the first step to change your life and relationship, call 0800 024 8647 or 07960 214 336 to speak with John today.
THE RELATIONSHIP EXPERTS International Relationship Experts John Donlon and Linda Connors have over 30 experience between them. They offer powerful and life changing relationship couple counselling and personal development programmes. They work with individuals and couples in the UK, America, Europe and Australia. If you are in relationship crisis are ready to take the first step into saving your relationship you can contact us on 0800 024 86 47.
John offers relationship advice, solutions and share their thoughts on love, relationships, marriage and intimacy.