You meet, you fall in love, get married and have children. Life starts to get busier and more stressful with more demands at work and your family and your relationship begins takes a back seat.
Then one day perhaps you realise you are no longer in love with your wife or husband. Maybe you feel more like best friends rather than passionate lovers as your sex life becomes non-existent.
Marriages do not necessary have to be "rocky" to become stale and loveless. As this becomes more and more apparent that the relationship is now a friendship many married couples feel that once they have fallen out of love with their partner there is no way back and the only option is separation or divorce.
What if there was another option?
Here at the Heart of Relationships, John Donlon a leading London Marriage Counsellor and Coach, and Linda Connors is a Sex Therapist and Life Coach has worked and helped many individuals and couples repair and heal their marriage, ignite their sexual relationship and discover the path back to love, respect and fulfilment.
What will you experience through working with us?
Our approach is a unique formulae and step by step guide to help your marriage to become strong once more.
You will experience a space to help you to understand what forces and issues and underlying issues which caused you to fall out of love with each other.
More importantly you will receive a space to connect with an honesty of who you are, your values, your ideas and hopes and dreams and together create a path together back to love and an even stronger and loving relationship, marriage and partnership. During this time you will honour your individuality and honour your marriage.
Your next step
We realise that the challenges in your marriage provides the opportunity to create an even more loving relationship and grow even stronger as a partnership together.
So if you want to create a more powerful marriage, and a step by step approach to building a compelling future together, call Linda and John today on 0800 024 8647 or 075 3421 3557.
In our couples therapy work one aspect which comes up is what we call an "Inner brat." This is an aspect or part of a person which is having a effect on the relationship. I'd first like to identify the kind of behaviours associated with what one author calls an inner brat, with the help of Pauline Wallin, Phd, who has written the book, "Taming your Inner Brat, A Guide for Transforming Self-defeating behavior."
She writes, "Most inner brat thoughts are accompanied by unpleasant feelings. Usually these are experienced as irritability or a sense of urgency." Which comes may come across as impatience, wanting to be in control, or bossy, with a great sense of immediacy - things have to happen now!"
She goes on later to say, "Your inner brat...is a very powerful force inside you. It is a primitive part of your personality that seeks immediate gratification, no matter what the consequences. You may sometimes become so consumed by your inner brat that you get caught up in the impulse of the moment...People who are ruled by their inner brats act only to what they want right now, or to what is irritating them right now.
"Many of them feel irritated and victimized much of the time. Who wouldn't when they believe that none of their problems, losses or pain is ever their fault?
"It's time to stop blaming others for your irritability and demands. You are responsible and accountable for every word that leaves your mouth. While you aren't guaranteed a comfortable life, you do have a certain degree of control how you experience it. Your self-esteem and relationships with other people can be vastly improved when you take charge of your inner brat."
Awareness in relationships
I prize self-awareness in a relationship as one of the highest values - ever.
If someone is fully associated into a problem state like their inner brat - the likelihood is they are not going to have any self-awareness whatsoever. They are likely to put their projections onto the other person, and take no responsibility for how impatient, unreasonable, and how rude they are being - and what the effect their behavior has on the other person. This is because they are working inside of the problem.
However, if they - or any person, can come outside of a state and be objective, then that's self-awareness - and then they can begin to work on that. But until they have that awareness for themselves, then they are effectively working form inside the problem. And that is not a good place to be.
"They only are like this 'with me'!" If someone’s inner brat only emerges in their most intimate relationships, then this is part of their “deep relationship pattern.”
This is going to relate to how their mother and father brought them up.
If their mother and father were physically or emotionally abusive to them as a child, its very likely that the child part of them is still caught up in that early relationship dialogue. It is like an ongoing continual conversation – of abuse and being abused – and their own unpleasant hatefulness back to their parents, at that age.
Later knowledge and changing relationships with their parents still will not influence the hurt, wounded – and also hateful and rebellious and out of control inner child – which now runs this relationship pattern, as a walled of, encapsulated part of the person’s personality.
That whole experience of childhood may be transferred, onto you and your relationship with the person who has suffered thus as a child.
Many many times then they may treat you, as if you are abusing them. They may take innocent comments, innocent looks, tiredness, and simply human negativity – as if you are attacking them now.
It is as if the constant criticism and abuse they received as a child is what they are hearing from you now in the relationship – even though reality is totally different. They will be prone to misreading your thoughts, feelings, mood, and also missing much of the actual goodness in you – for their own transferred and projected experiences onto you.
This does not mean that the relationship you have with them is not real. It does mean that an awful lot of affection, love, goodness, is going to be lost – and an awful lot of arguments, negativity, vilification of you is going to take place – until they may come to sort themselves out, if they ever do.
How they responded to their parents when they were children is also very important. If they rebelled, if they were outlandish, if they fought back, then they may also enter into that hateful state with you in this present relationship also.
I have heard one gentleman say about his relationship with his wife, who was abused as a child, and was to have a much better relationship with her mother when she was older, “It is like being with someone who makes your life absolute hell for no good reason.”
And that is what it can be like.
That the person may have little or no self-awareness is a bigger problem in my opinion than the actual problem itself.
Any thing which is remotely negative like an attack. In fact, even if nothing is happening, from their childhood, they have this siege mentality as part of their deep relationship pattern, and effectively are at war within themselves – based on and reliving and re-creating this early relationship pattern.
They may also transcend the behaviors of their parents, and in other ways be much more aware.
But until they really deal with the little child within them who is locked away, the pattern will continue. No matter how much adult knowledge and wisdom is needed, and added to the adult part of the personality.
The brat, or damaged inner child will still be in much of the control of their life – and the adult may not be aware, enlightened, or even willing enough, to rescue themselves, and move on with their self-development in a profound integrative way.
If this is the case, then your partner – or you – may justify their bad, impatient, immediate demanding behaviour however outlandish, rude, critical, hateful they are being towards you – and far from being aware they are very likely to claim that you are at fault – thus distorting the reality of the situation – again because of never having to deal with it.
A self-aware man or woman has an amazing chance to heal themselves from such self and relationship sabotaging behaviour – and once they heal themselves – then they are in a position to create a more amazing relationship.
The elephant in the relationship
Imagine having this behaviour, and saying you want to heal the relationship? It is like healing on a very superficial level – as there is no ownership of one’s own hurts, Paradoxically, because the need of people who have suffered abusive childhoods is greater – not less than others, they are more prone to “defend” their parents to the death now, seeing any encroachment upon awareness of what actually happened to them when they were a child and how their parents actually were to them – as the ultimate threat. They usually focus on how “good” their relationship is now, and how much things have changed, and how much is “water under the bridge.”
This is resistance, plain and simple. It is self-neglect, and the idealization of their parents, which makes real forgiveness, in the sense of becoming a person, impossible.
At war with themselves, their past, their own hurt child – who may also be a rebellious hateful brat who is willing to attack anyone who comes into close relationship – as close relationship brings up this pattern – the huge developmental task and the huge kindness of becoming a person in the deeper sense is lost to them – not because of their childhood, but because of how they are choosing to relate to their childhood and their inner child – now.
That is not kind. That is not self-love.
Working with us at couple counselling success
In therapy at The Heart of Relationships, we give a space for real kindness, real kindness to ourselves, in the deepest sense, and anyone who needs and really want this kind of healing, can access it in a process of re-integration, which makes possible a truly loving relationship, in one person becoming whole, in having a truly loving relationship with themselves first of all – in truth, admitting everything as it was and is in truth – as it was in childhood, and as it is now – giving the person the opportunity to work on healing their inner child and making their adult more responsible, stronger, more empowered, aware, complete and whole…
This is an amazing kindness, and sometimes one person will need to go through this process on their own, before coming into relationship counselling. Or they may go through this process with their partner alongside them in relationship counselling if this feels right for everyone concerned.
The changes people make is so profound, the understanding of themselves becomes so much greater, and the acceptance and love for themselves becomes so great – and their partner’s love for them becomes so great – that this is profoundly healing and also lays an amazing foundation of trust and understanding – with new skills and insights, compassion, kindness, creativity and love – to open up a boundless ocean of love and possibilities – which can be passed on to a couple’s children too, if they have children.
Having done their work, parents who do this work, kind of clear their garden and make it more beautiful, so that their children inherit a beautiful relationship from their parents, and don’t have to cope with a garden full of weeds which has not been properly worked with – with someone’s painful and paining inner brat operating bit time in the relationship.
If you would like to call John to arrange an appointment to create a relationship with an amazing foundation of love, call 0800 024 8647.
Want to know one of the real reasons brad and angelina - and hundred of other couples - split up? and how you can avoid making the same mistake and keep your own relationship growing and safe...
If you've been following the news recently, you may have heard how very sadly Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have split up? These two exceptional people, who are so environmentally aware, compassionate, and socially giving, have made one mistake, which may mean - if they don't get the right help in future - the end of their relationship.
Want to know what that mistake is? And it's not what you might think...
They put the children first...
That's it. You see, as laudiible as it may sound, doing this one thing, creates a dysfunctional dynamic which unwittingly puts any relationship in jeopardy.
And if you notice the news, if the press releases are true, this is something Brad and Angelina are still continuing to do. The press releases are all about how they are putting the children first and thinking of them. This may sound natural after a break up - but it was cited by Brad as one of the reasons instigating before their break up.
Why Putting the Children First is A Big Mistake.
This is because you - and your partner - need to Put Their Relationship First to show their children the healthy dynamic of a model of love where two people are meeting each other's needs. This creates a healthy core for the family, and as well as showing their children what it is for two people to love each other in a male-female way, showing and giving their children a love they can experience and pass on to their children - and can go on for generations to come.
My own grandparents were like this. And this has gone down through their children, grandchildren, cousins, and relations for generations.
90% of couples I see come to me because they have made the mistake of putting the children first. And when they receive bad advice from counsellors, relationship coaches, psychologists, who themselves are unaware of how healthy family dynamics work, they tend to learn nothing and unwitting repeat the same mistakes.
And this can happen with two otherwise kind, caring, and socially enlightened people like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. And the worst thing is, they will probably take this unhealthy dynamic into their next relationship - and their putting the children they have now first - if they literally do that - will put their next relationships in jeopardy - because it creates a block in the intimate man-woman relationship.
If you put anything as more important than the love of connection of your intimate relationship first you are not creating a solid foundation for your relationship, for your family, nor for your children.
In other words only by putting the love and connection of your relationship first can you create a healthy relationship and a healthy family dynamic which will ultimately benefit your children and everyone around you too.
If that thing you put anything else as more important than your relationship with your partner, then if that thing is in any way threatened or insecure - you will also be willing to exit the relationship to maintain it; and that puts the relationship in jeapardy - as that in no way creates a secure family dynamic.
That means if you put security, money, significance, a quality of life, or your children before your relationship - or the way you parent your children (as Brad and Angelina did) as more important than your relationship...then if that thing is threatened you will exit the relationship...
This is very reason Brad and Angelina cited in the press was the cause of their relationship breakdown - different parenting styles. If they were really clear about it, they wouldn't say different parenting styles were the cause of their break up, but putting their different parenting styles as more important than their relationship - was the real cause of their break up.
And ultimately if they continue to "put the children" in their next relationship, this will continue the n unstable, pain-causing, unhelpful dynamic which has split apart their family now.
Not surprisingly, putting the children first creates an unstable foundation for any Couple Relationship on. And the Couple Relationship - stable or unstable - is the Core of the Family.
If this resonates with you and you would like to change the mistakes of the past, and discover the how to create a loving relationship which will last, a relationship which is wise, strong, kind, creative and abundant, and growing for the rest of your lives, please contact us on 0800 024 8647 to begin your journey to creating your ~ Foundation of a more fulfilling relationship today.
When couples come to see me for London Couple Counselling or marriage guidance, very often, they have seen other relationship therapists before.
I run through a few questions to gauge their experience and how helpful or not it might have been.
I would like to share a rough checklist with you, because out of what I offer you if you work with me, you may want to make sure you are offered at least the same - or hopefully more, from any therapist you choose to work with.
1) Listening skills: Usually couples talk over one another, having something to say even before the other person has finished speaking. To really listen to another human being as a person in their own right is a special skill. I take you through experiential exercises allowing you to say what is truly in your heart and mind to your partner, and help you to be heard by your partner in a way which is open, undefended, positive, and real.
Learning this skill and experiencing this in your day to day life, can change the quality of your relationship.
2) Individual fulfillment, joy and purpose: To be happy as part of a couple you need to be fulfilled as an individual. We will look towards what makes you happy, what you want out of life, and the kind of relationship you would like to create.
3) Relationship Dynamics (this is deeper than understanding what went wrong - it's understanding what works for you as individuals and as a couple)
4) Male Female Polarity: Four and a half billion years of Evolution knows nothing of political correctness nor the changes of society within the past 60 or 70 years. In fact, these changes, such as the pill and new-found sexual freedoms, have thrown many people into confusion with regards to our deeper and our more basic drives, desires, passion and our human nature as men and women.
Understanding what men and women truly want, can be the key to having a harmonious and fruitful relationship, which fulfills all of our human needs, and allows us to contribute to each other, and in the fullest sense to the world.
5) Mindfulness: As a way of exploring reality and becoming clear of our illusions and presuppositions - certain questions can release us and open up our eyes to a life which taps into our presence, our love, generosity and creativity - and allows us to live much more deeply and fully.
As part of our daily practice we can then communicate much more directly, openly, and honestly - and come to feel much more connected with ourselves and our partner.
6) A process of aligning your values and goals as a couple; even though they are probably in a different order of importance! For some couples, this differentiation can literally be the difference between a life of contention or really working together as a team, and creating the life they want in the way they really want.
7) Always having a positive outcome - making sure you sort for positives - and making sure you agree a positive outcome for therapy as well as for your life!
8) Understanding you and your partner's communication styles: If you have ever wondered why your partner may not be hearing you as you intend, it may well be down to different communication styles. I help you build a bridge which you can permanently use to connect with each other, as well as honoring each others' individuality!
9) Understanding your vision for you and your partner's life as individuals and as a couple
10) Understanding the Six Universal Human Needs: According to Psychological Understanding these are (in no particular order): A) Contribution B) Significance C) Growth D) Variety/Fun E) Security/Certainty F) Love and Connection.
Understanding which needs are most important to you and your partner can open your eyes to the dynamics of your relationship and help you align with each others' most important needs to have a successful relationship.
11) Deep relationship patterns: These are the patterns of relationship, often influenced by our imprinting with our parents, and our experiences through life, which pertain to the relationship of those closest to us - namely our partner. Our social and other relationship patterns can be completely different.
If you have ever heard one person in a couple say about their partner "No one else treats me this way!" they are speaking of their deep relationship pattern. When we master this particular pattern and it becomes mutually gratifying we have a treasure and source of joy and support for life.
12) Sexual intimacy and connection: I support you in being able to fulfill this as an individual and really come together as a couple.
13) Your model of love. A mature model of love is one based on individual and mutual fulfillment and includes every one of the six human needs being supported and fulfilled. Through therapy you can move to a deeper understanding of a mutual model of love which enables you to have the relationship you both desire.
14) Loving-kindness. A way of being in your life. Towards yourself and others.
This list is far from comprehensive, but I hope when looking for couple counselling, marriage guidance, or relationship coaching, you can explore the therapist's own understanding and what they can offer you - and match these with your needs, the type of therapy you want, and the quality of relationship you want to achieve.
John Donlon, Couple Counselling, Marriage Guidance, Relationship Coaching in Harley Street, 0800 024 8647.
We all tell ourselves stories about ourselves, other people, events, our partner. What we say to ourselves, if not questioned, becomes our reality. And we can even believe our thoughts are objective reality.
Whatever we say to ourselves, in whatever tone, we will have a corresponding physiological reaction, which is completely congruent and matches our inner voice.
If you want to understand someone and why they are the way they are, it's important to listen to their inner voice and the stories they are telling themselves - and then we can understand their physiological reaction to what they are telling themselves, we can understand the way they are in the world and the way they are expressing themselves, what they are feeling in reaction to what they are telling themselves, how they are holding their body in line with that inner voice - and we can recognize that how they are responding to what they are telling themselves on all levels is absolutely congruent with what they are saying to themselves, with the way that they are saying it, and the stories they telling themselves - and their visualizations.
What impresses me about the Dali Lama, or the people I work with who are genuinely committed to the love of Good, is just that: their commitment to the love of Good.
What also impresses me, is that they question their thoughts.
And in the nature of their high grade questioning and exploration of their thoughts, new possibilities open up.
It is almost as if a new energy and force which enlightens the workings of the heart and mind issues forth from the soul and dawns on earth, where the person stands in their own beauty, power and aliveness, and their presence - their vision, their voice, their tone, their meaning, the stories they tell themselves out of what create, blesses the earth.
When the Dali Lama was asked what was his religion, he replied: "Kindness."
Here was a man at peace. Peace is not a static state, it is an attitude towards things which are constantly changing, which embodies courage and fortitutde to change them for the better, in the love of Good.
In relationships, one of the things I do in couple counselling out of love is to increase possibilities for good, for reparation, for healing wounds, for love and connection, so couples can learn to come to put away criticism, blame and punishment - firstly through self-awareness and then through their desire for an amazing relationship.
The underpinnings of the love of good and awareness offers some indications of the ways I work with couples.
In practice this means using modern day therapeutic approaches and techniques enabling you to explore your interactions in a way which makes things clear for both of you, building a bridge between your differing communication styles, love strategies, and building a bridge between the differences in the order of importance to each of you, of your goals.
To do this, I start with awareness.
Do you want to be really connected with your partner?
Before their is connection, there needs to be separation. And before separation, there needs to be awareness.
If we have little or no self-awareness in relationships, we live in the illusion that other people should know us, what we need, should read our minds - without communication, without communication skills, without seeing who they really are, without love.....without...without...the list is endless...
What does self-awareness mean?
To be self-aware means to notice differences. It means to acknowledge the reality that I am a separate individual form you. It means to notice other people communicate in different ways from me. Are turned on by different things: by different visualizations, different sounds, different tones, different stories, different touches. And that they are hurt by different things from me.
In reaching someone's love strategy for example, even the sequence of these things - which comes first for them - is important. Someone will need to be looked at in a certain way, for another person touch is important, and for yet another person, the tone of someone's voice is important. Of course, all of these things are important. But generally one thing - a touch, a sound, seeing something - opens the vault for one person for all the other things to come in.
What does self-awareness make possible?
Knowing we are separate and how different we are, is one of the first steps, to really being able to see the other person as they are, to hear what the other person is really saying.
Then we can listen to the language of their communication style and receive their kindness and love, with an appreciation of our own which expands the gift in our heart, so we have it to give out to them and to the world.
Self-awareness is the end of the illusion that the other person is like us when they are not. It is the end of the illusion that they should just "know" what we feel, that they should how to behave towards us, how to please us, meet our needs, what makes us happy.
It is end of the illusion that they are merely an extension of us, when they are their own person, with their own way of being, and their own free will.
And it is the beginning of the awareness that other people are not mind-readers - no matter how long we have spent with them. "Time" is no substitute for learning how to bridge different communication styles! in fact, time does nothing - learning how to actually do this means everything.
Opening up a bridge and connection with others and with our partner
When we start with self-awareness and then go on to learn how other people work, how they communicate, how they process the world - as we recognize in what ways we are different from them, and they from us, when we acknowledge deeply that we are separate human beings in reality, this opens up the possibility for us being of able to really "bridge" that gap, and connect with them in reality - by learning tools such as listening skills, communication skills, and relationship building skills - all of which enables us to really begin working together.
You can begin to speak their language. And they can begin to speak yours, in the deepest sense.
The "gap" of human individuality which exists between every person then becomes the grounds where I as an individual can really meet and encounter you as an individual.
It can become the space, and source, even the playground, of our deepest communion with our partner; and with other people.
This makes us infinitely richer. It is even part of the keys, to the kingdom of heaven here on earth.
At Couple Counselling Success that is a large part of what I have devoted my life to and specialize in, in helping couples create that "bridge" together, out of a strong foundation of two individuals fulfilling their own life, blessing and working together, in a spirit of love which encompasses who they truly are.
In this way couples can go beyond themselves together to create a miraculous dialogue, dance, spiritual, movement and life together; they can go on a journey together, which expands who they are as a person and as a couple together.
Bringing life-coaching to relationship coaching also means couples have a practical step by step process which gives them a solid foundation and working understanding to build and build their lives.
Individual work alongside Couple Counselling: What to do if you are single and want to change destructive relationship patterns?
The self discovery relationship programme can help.
It is also possible, negativity, blame and destructive behavior can be a part of a pattern that even the most mentally enlightened of people are aware of. Awareness is the first step. Working on what you are aware of about yourself is the second.
Some mentally enlightened people may be aware of what they are doing, but are still governed (because of their childhood experiences and imprinting) by negative destructive behavior patterns, which keep hurting or destroying otherwise promising and sometimes really good relationships.
Although new material, wisdom, and skills are added as the person learns and gets older - this may not change the behavior - and they may still in their most intimate relationships act very destructively, cruelly, with catastrophic thinking and blame - and in a way which they may do with no other human being on the planet.
This is what we call a person's deep-relationship pattern. If you have seen Father Ted, the shop-keeper and his wife are a comic but exaggerated very real example of this.
In the Heart of Relationships we can give you the tools to make deep transformations and heal on all levels, so that change is permanent, and for the better. You will no longer be governed by anger, blame and destructive patterns which threaten to destroy your relationships.
If you are aware that you sometimes do this - if you start arguments and then take them to a level which threatens to destroy the relationship - your awareness and desire for something better, already means you have taken the first step inwardly to do something about it. The second step is to make that call to a relationship expert you feel drawn to.
In the Heart of Relationships Self Discovery Relationship Programme you can experience the rewards of positivity, generosity, insight, kindness, in a relationship building program which feels really good.
The bonus is that the part of you or your partner, or both of you, which needed love - and attempted to get it by blame, negativity and destroying the other person - with the right skills and knowledge - can be healed and come together with adult wisdom and knowledge, to create something beautiful.
You can become very strong as an individual. And in changing yourself you do what needs to be done on your side to change the relationship.
When a person does this they are truly enlightened, not only on a mental level, but all through their being. They can become aligned, and are true to the way we see them.
The image we have of them, in public and in their most private intimate relationships, behind closed doors, is real, good, positive, aware, and loving. In fact when two people are doing this, this radiates out from their deepest relationship to the world.
If this resonates with you and you would like to make changes which are real and lasting, and you would like to turn around the issues you are facing to create a powerful partnership, call 0800 024 8647 or 07960 214 336 to take the first step today, and tell us about the issues you would like to solve, and we will show you what you can do to change your relationship and make your life amazing.
Do you want an amazing sex life?
This is a really serious question. If the answer is yes, and you have got into the habit of denying sexual connection and intimacy in your life with your partner - then it's time to focus on what you want.
Purely out of self-interest, this will serve you and add a connection and aliveness to your relationship with yourself and your partner, which will flow and enrich the your life in many other areas too.
The myth of Eros
The understanding of the important of sex in our culture and among many people - including therapists and sexual experts - trivializes not only sex but the meaning of life.
To redisover the meaning and importance of sexual energy many couples have lost in our culture and in their lives in sexless relationships, we can see how disinterest in sex leads to a subtlely and sometimes not so subtlely impoverished life and soul and relationship - in the wisdom of the Ancient Greeks and the legend of Eros.
In our culture we know Eros as a baby-faced cherub from television adverts, who mischievously fires his arrows and makes people fall in love. This is a very poor understanding of Eros - and is far from the original and true meaning of the myth which comes from Ancient Greece. A myth which can teach us of how to live our lives and relationships better if we listen to it with understanding and passion and meaning for our own lives - and connect with ourselves, our partner, our sexuality, creativity and love, to lead a richer and fulfilling life.
In the anciet Greek myth Eros was only a baby faced cupid when he was on his own. When he was with his brother, Passion, he was a full grown man - and as a full grown man his arrows plumetted to earth and caused life and grain to flourish and thrive throughout the earth.
In the Ancient Greek myth, Eros with Passion is the very Force and Source and Energy of creation and life itself. The force in the grain which causes the grain to flower and flourish on earth.
One of the saints called the force of Eros "the power which drives a man towards God."
The Greeks understood this sexual energy and the love of good which also imbues human creativity and spiritual-organic well-being.
And this is why in sexless relationships - the cure is Passion for love and creativity combined with sexual energy which makes human being and human existence whole.
The myth is really clear - it tells those who are in a sexless relationship to get serious and passionate about sexual energy and creativity and identifies the energies as deeply connected with living to our potential in every area of our life.
Our sexuality connects with the very meaning of our life, represented in the energy which causes the grain - the very fruit of life - to germinate and give life on earth through the sunlight.
And this is not just a metaphor - whether I have sex or not - when I am deeply connected to my sexual energy I am creative - and when I deny my sexual energy - my creativity dies too. And how much more in relationships between two people!
If any person doesn't live out the wonder of this energy in their own life with integrity and love and passion for meaning - then they may help other people become sexual being or whatever - but they are not living out their own potential - and so they are really missing the point.
At the heart of relationships we work to give you the richness of your life and psycho-spiritual-sexual-physical connection with yourself and your partner back in all its glories.
We give you strategies which are practical and come in communication, listening, and speaking skills, relationship building, male-female dynamics, and building a bridge and connection of understanding yourself as individuals and how you work together.
We teach you to support each other's individual fulfillment and the fulfillment of a beautiful, whole relationship.
We help you to understand you have to work at it consciously and invest with love and passion to keep it fully alive.
We help couples who have fallen asleep sexually wake up to sexual energy and the richness of their lives by giving them homework which builds up their romantic and fun connection.
We provide relationship and sexual therapy which is highly practical and at the same time each program is tailored to each individual and to understanding, building and developing the unique connection between you and your partner, in simple step by step and easy to understand exercises, which involve NLP, mindfulness, relationship buillding, and positve well-formed outcomes, with underpinnings which bring out the connections and richness of your lives, in a holistic way, where you can see measurable results in your lives, and which we will help you plan together at the very start of therapy.
John Donlon works to restore relationships and build connection at The Heart of Relationships.
Couple Relationship and Relationship Coaching at Couple Counselling Success goes beyond the normal traditional approach. We blend ancient wisdom, experience with modern day therapeutic techniques such as Counselling, psychotherapy, Relationship Coaching, Life Coaching and NLP.
We can help
Very often couples both want a loving and supportive relationship, but do not have the skills, experience or knowledge to create this. Relationship patterns are repeated time and time again.
As these patterns are repeated resentment may build up, and couples may grow further and further apart. They may want to stay together, but can also find themselves feeling frustrated, hurt, and imagining fulfilling their lives in other ways than in the relationship.
If you are at this point, and want to solve the issues in your relationship, and come closer together and really work as a couple then couple relationship coaching can help.
What you will learn
Couple Counselling and Relationship Coaching gives you the tools and experience of really communicating with each other in a respectful, honest, and positive ways.
You will learn how to create goals and ways to support each other, comprise, be valued and valuing your partner.
You will make the differences between you powerful plus points, and magnify the things you share in common as you form a truly powerful partnership, and build a fulfilling and enjoyable life together.
What you will achieve
Too often couples feel unheard by their partner. They communicate but the other puts their point of view acorss without listening to the other. We teach you how to communicate with honesty, truth, dignity and love.
It takes special training to hear someone communicate in their own right. Very few people can listen to another person without their own thoughts, prejudices, values, beliefs, wishes and desires coming into and clouding the picture.
At Couple Counselling Success we teach you advance communication skills so you can really listen to your partner in a way which opens out the channel of communication to what they are saying.
You will be given simple step-by-step experiential guidance on how to do this, and and by listening authentically, whilst being in your own space, you will find your conversation, communication, body language, and relationship healed, improved, and vastly more enjoyable.
When you are standing truly as yourself, are truly heard, and supported in your life course as who you truly are, and your partner is experiencing the same things, it is often at this point radical and subtle shifts happen, Both partners begin to really see, accommodate and work with their partner's coming into being, in a rather beautiful, enjoyable way, which leads them naturally forwards, in a growing relationship together.
This may happen in many ways, depending on what each person and couple wants and needs. We have seen couples change in ways which may seem small, but which have had dramatic effects on all levels.
We have seen the transformation in people's lives expand out in complex webs to to other areas of their lives as they work through issues, that make their lives richer, fuller, more enjoyable and worth living.
Above all, each solution is unique to you.
Above all, we like challenge. The more problems and issues you bring the more problems can be solved, the deeper the solutions you will find, and the more potential will be released for you to experience truly living your lives together in new, more happy, stronger, real, stable, dynamic, and positive ways.
We are specialists at crisis intervention and helping you turn things around, as well as giving couples who want to re-ignite that spark the skills to make a good relationship even better, and a loving relationship even more brilliant.
This is because we look for the solutions in therapy, and we model excellence - we will help you discover and build your own authentic solutions and give you the skills to excel in life.
We realise that the issues in a relationship provide the opportunities for couples to become even more loving and grow even stronger as a partnership together.
So if you want to create a more powerful partnership, and a step by step approach to building a compelling future together, call us today on 0800 024 8647 or complete the contact form below.
At the Heart of Relationships when we work with couples once common theme and pattern that emerges time and time again is that some couples often do not work together as a team.
They have separate goals, ideas and thoughts about their lives and relationship which does not compliment their partners goals, ideas and thoughts.
Men and women are different and this can at time brings tension and issues into the relationship and marriage. The couples can talk, argue and discus at arm's length but many couples do they do have true communication skills and this leads to fight and arguments about money, sex, chores and family.
During the relationship coaching and couple counselling programme this is where we can help with a step by step programme to help you to work together as a team and a couple and to:
Many relationships and marriages are facing problems because the couple lack the necessary skills to maintain and sustain the relationship.
To discover how to break out of that cycle and create a happy and fulfilled relationship call us today on 075 3421557.
I always found it interesting that in my counselling and psychotherapy training we never covered love. We talked about Freud, Klein, Jung, Rogers and so on - but the closest any of these got to love was Carl Rogers on unconditional positive regard.
Couple Counselling is also very similar. Not many couple counsellors know how to teach the men, women and couples they work with the path to love. They work with superficial layer - the arguments, affairs, and other relationship issues. Underneath all of this is a layer of relationship patterns, emotions, thoughts, actions and lack or love (or not knowing how to love).
The issues couples face - from arguments, affairs, detachment, hurt and pain are often caused on a deep level by a lack of love. For themselves and each other.
The relationship patterns become embedded and a natural part of the relationships. They only know how to respond with anger and pain. Rather than address the issues, some go and have affairs, others become detached or turn to drink or working long hours. This becomes the norm because they don't know how else they can respond.
I remember in school the nuns always talked about giving love. Doing things for others. Give. Give and Give. To put others first always. This may appear a great way to live, however it isn't balanced. For to really give, we most know how to received.
It took me a while to truly understand this as giving and receiving are both equal. John O'Donohue (the great Irish poet and philosopher) said there is certain meanness of spirit if you don't have how to received.
To reject someone's kindness and love towards you is in a way a slap on the face of the other person. How often do you brush aside a compliment from someone else? How often do you reject someone's support (even thought you need it)? How often do you choose independence over resting your head on someone's shoulders?
This is the same for love. To really love, we most also know how to be loved.
To really love and to be loved, we must also know how to love ourselves. This is the natural cycle of love.
It once again took me a while to really understand this!
A few years ago I was introduced to the concept of loving-kindness which is from the Buddhist tradition. It creates a pathway to offer ourselves love, kindness and care. This is extended to an friend, a loved one and someone we have a difficult relationship with.
That is unconditional love. To love others in the face of hardship and difficulty. To love others and not placed conditions upon that love. Such as if you have this job, this goal, this purpose only then I will love you. If you do as I say I will love you. If you meet my needs I will love you.
To love yourself and each other unconditionally gives your relationship space to grow deeper. You may still have disagreements of course or differences of opinions however that's all they are. They don't go further. You both move on and live with a love in your hearts and with each other - recognising that you and your partner are unique individuals with your own strengths and weaknesses and your own courage and challenges.
Here is a beautiful quote on love by Ann Landers:
Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.
If you wish to find out more about couple counselling in London and Bath please call us on +44 (0) 753 421 3557. We look forward to hearing from you and wish you a warm and loving day!
Sex Therapist and Relationship Coach
John offers relationship advice, solutions and share their thoughts on love, relationships, marriage and intimacy.