Want to know one of the real reasons brad and angelina - and hundred of other couples - split up? and how you can avoid making the same mistake and keep your own relationship growing and safe...
If you've been following the news recently, you may have heard how very sadly Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have split up? These two exceptional people, who are so environmentally aware, compassionate, and socially giving, have made one mistake, which may mean - if they don't get the right help in future - the end of their relationship.
Want to know what that mistake is? And it's not what you might think...
They put the children first...
That's it. You see, as laudiible as it may sound, doing this one thing, creates a dysfuncational dynamic which unwittingly puts any relationship in jeopardy.
And if you notice the news, if the press releases are true, this is something Brad and Angelina are still continuing to do. The press releases are all about how they are putting the children first and thinking of them. This may sound natural after a break up - but it was cited by Brad as one of the reasons instigating before their break up.
Why Putting the Children First is A Big Mistake.
This is because you - and your partner - need to Put Their Relationship First to show their children the healthy dynamic of a model of love where two people are meeting each other's needs. This creates a healthy core for the family, and as well as showing their children what it is for two people to love each other in a male-female way, showing and giving their children a love they can experience and pass on to their children - and can go on for generations to come.
My own grandparents were like this. And this has gone down through their children, grandchildren, cousins, and relations for generations.
90% of couples I see come to me because they have made the mistake of putting the children first. And when they receive bad advice from counsellors, relationship coaches, psychologists, who themselves are unaware of how healthy family dynamics work, they tend to learn nothing and unwitting repeat the same mistakes.
And this can happen with two otherwise kind, caring, and socially enlightened people like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. And the worst thing is, they will probably take this unhealthy dynamic into their next relationship - and their putting the children they have now first - if they literally do that - will put their next relationships in jeopardy - because it creates a block in the intimate man-woman relationship.
If you put anything as more important than the love of connection of your intimate relationship first you are not creating a solid foundation for your relationship, for your family, nor for your children.
In other words only by putting the love and connection of your relationship first can you create a healthy relationship and a healthy family dynamic which will ultimately benefit your children and everyone around you too.
If that thing you put anything else as more important than your relationship with your partner, then if that thing is in any way threatened or insecure - you will also be willing to exit the relationship to maintain it; and that puts the relationship in jeapardy - as that in no way creates a secure family dynamic.
That means if you put security, money, significance, a quality of life, or your children before your relationship - or the way you parent your children (as Brad and Angelina did) as more important than your relationship...then if that thing is threatened you will exit the relationship...
This is very reason Brad and Angelina cited in the press was the cause of their relationship breakdown - different parenting styles. If they were really clear about it, they wouldn't say different parenting styles were the cause of their break up, but putting their different parenting styles as more important than their relationship - was the real cause of their break up.
And ultimately if they continue to "put the children" in their next relationship, this will continue the n unstable, pain-causing, unhelpful dynamic which has split apart their family now.
Not surprisingly, putting the children first creates an unstable foundation for any Couple Relationship on. And the Couple Relationship - stable or unstable - is the Core of the Family.
If this resonates with you and you would like to change the mistakes of the past, and discover the how to create a loving relationship which will last, a relationship which is wise, strong, kind, creative and abundant, and growing for the rest of your lives, please contact us on 0800 024 8647 to begin your journey to creating your ~ Foundation of a more fulfilling relationship today.
The huge difference in couples therapy from individual therapy, is that a couple is a system.
Focusing on yourself as an individual is vital for your fulfilment. But Only Focusing on yourself, when you are with someone completely different, is one of the main reasons people fail again and again to have fulfilling relationships.
What this means in terms of therapy, is that if you want to save your relationship, you need to find a therapist who works systemically and individually, working towards your individual fulfilment and creating a bridge between you so that you can both work for your fulfilment as a couple also.
Not every individual client knows how to work as a couple. In fact many people who have very individualistic tendencies run into difficulties for this very reason in the first place. Some people are avoidant-attached. When things get intimate, they get afraid. Sexual anorexia is one symptom. Sexual anorexia comes from a fear of intimacy, not sex. Someone with sexual anorexia is afraid for one reason or another to commit to their partner intimately, even if they are married. They may also have affairs outside of the marriage. So sexual anorexia does not mean a lack of sex, it means a lack of sexual-intimacy in the real physical emotional sense with their partner.
This means if a person is avoidant-attached or has attachment issues, and they go to an individual therapist, the individual therapist's very purpose is not to build a bridge between your and your partner but to follow you as an individual. Almost by default, an individual counsellor/coach/healer can miss the relationship dynamics at play with a person who comes with avoidance-attachment issues. The counsellor/therapist/healer may unwittingly play a part in affirming their neurotic pattern to their detriment and the detriment of their relationship.
In the best couples therapy it is essential two people fulfil their natures' as individuals - and it is also essential they build a bridge between them with their different communication styles, needs, and love strategies, to work together to to fulfil their relationship potential also.
Without exploring a person's attachment issues, knowing about relationship dynamics, and working with both people, individual counselling, therapy, coaching, in fact any form of individual work, can destroy a potentially good relationship, and actually prevent a person from working through their relationship issues, by facilitating individualistic tendencies over love and connection in the relationship.
Not because there is anything intrinsically wrong in individual therapy, but because the therapist/healer/coach is working with only half the picture; and there is likely to be a huge amount of distortion.
Imagine how that can pan out if the therapist is on your side but not on the side of your relationship?
Unless your therapist has also studied relationships and building a bridge between two very different people - then the effects of therapy on your relationship will definitely not be the same as if the two of you were working with a relationship expert.
For this reason I work with each person's individual fulfilment and partners' fulfilment as a couple. This is is a very different approach from individual counselling or traditional couples therapy.
So when people ask me is it ethical to work with people as individuals as well as seeing them as a couple I would say that in any therapy which is about the relationship - and if someone is in an intimate relationship this will be the case - it is essential to do work with both individuals and the couple seeing them together in an person-centred--systemic model of therapy.
From this deeper, wiser, clearer and more relational perspective, we help you become the unique individual you are and support each other in this wonderful process to create an amazing relationship and life together.
When some American car manufacturer's visited a Japanese car plant, they were mystified. You see, in the American plant, they had a man with a rubber hammer at the end of the production line, hammering and making sure the doors matched perfectly. But in the Japanese plant, there was no man at the end of the line with a hammer.
So, the Americans asked, "Where's the guy at the end?"
"The one with the rubber hammer?"
"We don't have one."
"So, how do you make sure the door fits?"
"We design it that way," the Japanese executives replied, sheepishly.
It is the same with your model of love. If it is not designed well, there will be problems, and you could constantly have the man with the hammer at the end trying to deal temporarily with the symptoms.
And you can deal with the symptoms.
But it is much easier and quicker in the long run, to design your model of love so it works really well in the first place.
That is what we help you to do. We go to the core of the issues so you can fully live.
The key to a lasting, stable, fulfilling model of love is this: Putting Love and Connection First in Your Relationship.
That means above everything.
It means above your children, above your friends and family, above your money or security - literally everything.
And if there is anything - say you want a house and your partner is not providing enough money - say you have children and you put them first - say you have a beloved pet whom you love - if there is literally anything you put before Love and Connection in your relationship, that thing becomes a block to love as it comes between you and your partner like a shadow; and your relationship will be in jeopardy, because you have a fundamentally flawed model of love..
Not only will problems happen, but they will happen again and again, unless you put this Invisible, non-materialistic value before anything else in your relationship.
Why should you do this?
Because if you put Love and Connection above everything else in your life with your partner, it creates an inspirational foundation. It means you really work together as a team. And from this position of strength, your relationship can weather anything, and you have the foundation to create the life you want.
Whereas if you base your relationship on your husband providing a house, money, a lifestyle for you - if these things are not forthcoming - you will leave the relationship. Whereas if you put Love and Connection First you can work together for anything because you have already decided to be a strong team.
Do you see the difference?
Not only this, but if anything is in your way which is blocking you from loving your partner, limiting your relationship, and limiting your life, we can discover it in our relationship program and help you Re-align your Relationship so you become a strong team putting Love and Connection as your No. 1 priority and and create an inspirational Foundation to generate the life you want.
Couples who go through our programs change, report that they have become better than ever in therapy with us. And if you feel called to do this work, you can create the same changes too.
You don't have to end a relationship where you are making the mistake of living with a flawed model of love. You can change, and your peace of mind, commitment to each other, and relationship are waiting for you, when you put Love and Connection First and allow love to flow freely.
From this platform, as a team, you can grow together emotionally, sexually, physically, and environmentally, and shape your life together from a place where you are connected.
When you put Love and Connection First for your Relationship above all else, the gates of Love and Connection fly open and you become connected to the Source of Love in your hearts' and relationship.
You can really begin to live your life as a couple together. This is the jewel of great price most couples are seeking. And they have it within themselves all along.
But each couple must discover it for themselves by putting Love and Connection above everything to allow love to flow and literally en-lighten their hearts' in their most intimate relationship.
If you want to come into alignment, create a healthy model of love, open your mind to understanding how to put Love and Connection First, and open your heart to unlimited Source, these are the values we live by and believe in.
If you're not happy in your relationship, here's why
Most people's model of love, is about getting. But love, is actually giving. The more I give, the more I have.
Tony Robbins in his video about creating outstanding relationships, says the no. 1 discipline couples need to learn is to put their partner's needs first. This doesn't mean one person doing this. We are talking about creating a relationship. It needs two people who are consciously loving to do this.
Sometimes one person may say, "Well, that's not how I feel!" and then to get their needs met they think the best way is to induce massive amounts of pain into the relationship. That is not only not love, that is stupid.
Love, creating love, isn't about being led by our feelings. Creating love is about being disciplined, regardless of how we feel. That is why love is about adopting disciplines which create happiness. Not following our feelings as if we have no control of our life and our destinies. This is about me being responsible for my happiness.
So many times I hear couples say, "I don't feel love." And that is absolutely okay. My question is, "And what are you going to do, to create it?"
They may come back with the problem is my partner. But the truth is, as long as anyone is in that mindset, they're not beginning in the right place to create love and experience happiness.
This needs to be bigger than me. It needs to be bigger than my partner, to putting love first.
Once we choose something bigger than ourselves, love will lead the way.
If you or your partner is having/has had an affair we recommend you watch the below TED talk by Esther Perel.
Modern day relationships are becoming increasingly complex for many couples due to technology. It's never been easier to cheat in the digital. Sexting. Porn. Facebook. Online connections. Online sites for cheating. Skype. The lists goes on.
What constitutes as an affair? A secretive relationship. An emotional connection with an other. A sexual interaction.
Watch the video below for more information - it will really help you understand the impact of the affair and how to move forward.
If your relationship is suffering from an affair we can really help. In our experience relationships and in fact become stronger after an affair. Click here to book your consultation.
To the outside world your relationship appears perfect.
Beautiful family. Loving couple. Successful. Happy. Yet, the inside truth may be very different. You and your partner are drifting apart. Arguments, affairs, dissatisfied sex life, resentments, pain and hurt are behind the closed doors of your relationship.
You smile, yet your heart is breaking. You want deeper connection yet you feel lonely. You seek intimacy yet you experience detachment.
You try to fix the issues yet you can't. This is because you can not solve relationship issues and patterns with the same level of thinking that created them. Perhaps you have even been to other couple counsellors or relationship coaches with little or no success.
Your arguments and relationship issues simply hide a bigger truth. Underneath are deep relationship patterns at play.
You have two options.
Continue as you are and risk causing further damage to your relationship. Risk breaking up your family.
Or you can begin to see the truth of your relationship and you are deeply unhappy and are simply surviving and there are steps you can take.
The first step is to go to couple counselling.
The second step is acknowledging that you are deeply unhappy and you are simply surviving.
The third step is to take a risk. Talk openly and honestly. Begin to see the real relationship dynamics at play.
The forth step is to learn. Learn how to communicate. How to resolve relationship issues. How to appreciate each other's differences. How to start to work together as a team.
The fifth step is to make a commitment. To put energy and life back in the relationship. To not take things for granted. To bring love, passion and fun back in your life and relationship.
Now that it's powerful. Many couples enter couple counselling in fear. They are confused and alone are worried that their issues can not be resolved. When you recognise that you have choices that path no longer seems so daunting and with the right level of support you take the necessary steps to go from relationship crisis into relationship strength and love.
About the Relationship Experts
International Relationship Experts John Donlon and Linda Connors have over 30 experience between them. They offer powerful and life changing relationship programmes. They work with individuals and couples in the UK, America, Europe and Australia.
If you are in relationship crisis are ready to take the first step into saving your relationship you can contact us on 0800 024 86 47 or click here to contact us.
Traditional Couple Counselling doesn't provide the direction, focus, advice and high level of support many couples are searching for to save their relationship.
We are often so surprised when couples come to use who have been to traditional couple counselling.
They often leave in a worse state than when they started. The couple counsellor simply just listens, and allows the couple to take the lead. The end result being that it takes a very long time to resolve relationship issues, the fighting continues and they feel even more isolated from each other. Sadly for some couples they end up breaking up. This could have been prevented if the couple counsellor had the high level of skills and the experience required to support couples in the way they need to be supported.
Here at the Relationship Experts we give you direction, and we are not afraid to offer advice.
We don't know your relationship, but we are experts in relationships. We know how heal to conflicts, how to help you to grow together, work together as a team and teach you advanced communication skills.
After the first consultation we map out a programme which supports, teaches and guides you to where you want to go - both on an individually basis and as a couple.
Even if you have been to traditional couple counselling or relationship coaching and it didn't help we are confident we can help.
If you are curious about how we can help you are invited to get in touch. You can contact us here or call 0800 024 8647.
Love. Love is a powerful force in life, love and relationships. Yet many of us simply do not know how to deeply love and be loved.
Many choose to make relationships their source of happiness. They have expectations that it's their partner's responsibility to make them happy.
Or they only choose to love their partner only when they are fulfilling their needs, doing what they want them to do and behaving in a certain way which keeps them feeling safe, loved and secure.
Others may simply shower their partner with love, always putting them first, their happiness is more important then their own lives. This is a needy type of love.
That's not true love. For real love is unconditional. Real love is a place when you truly love yourself, your partner and you allow yourself be loved. This is the dance of love, which allows love to flow in and out.
Let me tell you a story.
There once was a young women who didn't love herself and she certainly didn't let others love her back. She choose partners that complimented her view of herself. They used her, wouldn't commit, and treated her like she treated herself.
One day she woke up and began a journey of loving herself, learning how to love others and learning how to be loved.
Then she met her a man who loved her unconditionally. At first it was a rocky relationship, for she rejected his love. However bit by bit she allowed this man into her heart and she discovered the true meaning of love.
This story is my story and the man is of course John! Our journey is still continuing, and as we grow individually and together our relationship is becoming even more powerful, loving and magical in ways I never imagined.
Love is the foundation of our relationship, indeed any relationship. From that place you discover the gift of each other, how to be in a relationship, how to support each other, and to communicate and also how to deal with differences. How to make a wonderful, loving and adventurous life!
If you wish to discover the power of love in your relationship and how to enhance it please contact Linda or John.
As individuals we like to do things our own way. We like to be in control. If you try and force your way upon your partner, it can tear your relationship apart. Over time, trying to be in control can turn off attraction switches - no one likes to be told what to do.
Instead of trying to be in control, you could be working with your partner, investing in them, in what makes them feel alive, and what brings you both alive together.
This is the exact opposite of being controlling. Instead of "being right" you can have a more peaceful, connected, loving, growing adventurous relationship.
Byron Katie asks the powerful question, "Do you want to be right, or do you want peace?" Well, you can have more than peace. You can create an amazing partnership with a fulfilled life as individuals and as a couple!
Couples go round in circles prioritizing the wrong things. They make fear, doing things their own way much more important than giving, and playfully creating together.
Imagine for a moment the difference in two relationships - one where fear and doing things your way was the most important thing you chose to act out of, and a life and partnership where giving and playfully creating was the most important thing.
Imagine the kind of lives each couple will create.
We give you the choices to make intelligent conscious loving relationships which are a blessing to you, your partner, all of your friends, you children, and future grandchildren.
This is love. And this is your true nature. And in our programmes, you will come home.
London Couple Counselling and Coaching
One of the mistake many people make in their relationship is that they try to form and mould the other person in a way this fits their needs, hopes and desires.
On a unconscious love they are sending out a message that says "If you want to be special to me, if you want me to love you then you must meet my conditions. The moment you fail to meet these you lose my love".
It's a very controlling way to live and be in relationships and most people do not realise they are doing it.
Some couples try to get all their needs from their partner. A few years ago we to lived in communities, neighbours knew each other, it was easier to visit family and friends - we had a bigger support network that was there to help us when we needed it. In our changing times many of us try to get all our needs meet by the one person.
You must dance to my tune so I can get all my needs meet. You must have these values, car, house, financial security, ambitions, goals and so on - only then will I love you.
What a huge pressure that places on the relationship and the person. It's unrealistic and very difficult to maintain.
One of the greatest gifts you can give your partner is the freedom to be who they are.
Without any fears, judgements, condition or controls.
This is true love.
Anthony De Mollo in his book The Way to Love suggests saying this;
I leave you to be free to be yourself;
To think your thoughts,
Indulge your tastes,
Follow your inclinations,
Behave in ways that you decide are to your liking.
In order to create this freedom for your partner you must be willing to create freedom for yourself.
To let go of attachments, fears, jealously, manipulation, judgements, conditions and control.
Once you have offered this gift and freedom to your partner you then have the capacity to break free from yourself. To allow your heart and love to grow with freedom. Unconditionally, whole and expanding.
That's the greatest gift you give to your partner - the freedom to be who they truly are. To follow their own drum, their own dance. Then the two of you will meet. Two dances emerging to create something truly beautiful.
Do you need relationship support?
John Donlon and Linda Connors help couples to experience more love, connection and joy in their relationship - on a very deep, profound and transformational way.
For more information on couple counselling in London and Bath please call us on +44 (0) 753 421 3557.
Linda and John offer relationship advice, solutions and share their thoughts on love, relationships, marriage and intimacy.
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